Posted by allisonross on December 10, 2005, at 7:59:22
Hi, all. This will be my last post, and I will explain. First of all, these quotes:
Do my words seem to include, or do they exclude?
Will my words bring healing and peace?
Should these words be spoken? Now?
Are my words true? Kind?
Can my words anticipate a need?
Will my words help another?I think these are words...for life.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking of what has gone on here, so decided instead of just leaving without a word, to say my thoughts. I may be repeating a few things, so please be patient.
When I started here I mentioned my 2 websites on a couple of postings. Someone criticized me for that (or it felt like criticism); they were "disconcerted" because I posted the sites. I let it go, but it caused me to feel bad.
The old: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is a motto I try to live by. If I don't understand, or disagree, I remain silent. After all, knowing the difference between "their" stuff and my stuff is a big key in relationships.
I mentioned my feelings for my t, and that he asked me a question ("would you go for it, if I gave you the green light"?)...I then said I bought a green light bulb...and it seemed a huge controversy was started.I was shocked. I assumed a trigger warning would be for really horrific things: rape, suicide, abuse, etc., etc....
It never occurred to me that anything said about a t would be a problem.
I feel that if I cannot voice my thoughts, opinions without the fear of criticism, then this is not a safe place to be for me. I've spent my whole life (except for 3 years in the army) being told that every thought, feeling or action I said/took was wrong.
I'm processing 31 years of abuse, and attempting to heal from it (doing amazingly well), and getting used to being alone. It is a scary, but necessary journey...it is also a lonely journey.
I've had to let go emotionally, of everyone that should have loved me (mother, husband, 2 children, a whole church family).
My friends have become my family. I share everything with them, but my "real" family ignores me (slight pity party, LOL)
It is ironic, because I have spent my life helping/counseling abused women, etc. I am excruciatingly careful with my words
Being that I've lived a lifetime of verbal abuse......I mentioned that I am divorced after 31 years of abuse, but no one said a word. I've been used to handling my "stuff" all by myself ...all of my life
This is not a criticism, but an observation, and I was puzzled by that.
My faith, and wicked wit and sense of humor has gotten me thru life. WIthout my sense of humor, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere.
I realize I am a free-spirit, and I assume (incorrectly) that people will "get it" and not be offended.
To encapsulate: I grew up abused, married an abuser (31 years/38 yrs in all), got the divorce then experienced a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse (my church of 31 years voted me out because of the divorce)
That's when I found my (best t on the planet, I think) who journeyed with me thru the debacle/an expert in spiritual abuse.
He taught me the most valuable words I'd ever heard: "Restorative Justice" This is what you did--this is how it made me feel.
So empowering to someone who always found it near impossible to stand up to anyone ( do it now, even tho it is difficult), because If i do not, it is like abusing....myself.
I have the utmost regard and deepest respect for my t, and he has the same for me. Our relationship is unbelievable; able to be authentic with one another, and he says he "honors that I am able to talk about the hard stuff" Some of that "hard" stuff is my feellings for him.
I've written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice in the world), and have 2 publishers interested. I am amazed and excited.
If anyone is interested, this is the site where I was published (just me and all Ph.D's)www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled: The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse
My own site: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (faith-based poems)
I believe we all want, need and expect validation for our thoughts and feelings.
I have said what I have said as gently as I know how, and hope it is seen that way. I would never knowingly hurt or upset anyone....ever.
Thank you for listening.
Regards and smiles,
Ally
poster:allisonross
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/587729.html