Posted by allisonross on December 13, 2005, at 14:26:37
In reply to Re: Criticism and feelings » allisonross, posted by gardenergirl on December 13, 2005, at 9:48:01
> Hi ally,
>
> > I'm trying too, but (as I stated I think); when one has been criticized for a whole lifetime, it's hard to not feel that way.
>
> Absolutely! It makes us so sensitive, doesn't it?
> >
> > I think that when we feel criticized (whether real or perceived); it's just the same, because it is about how we FEEl. I think that is why it is important to ask the person (who we feel was critical of us) to reflect: was this criticism? Or, I am not sure what you meant by that...would be explain?
>
> You're right, the feeling is there whether the criticism is real or perceived. I certainly don't mean to minimize the feeling. I did want to suggest that when someone else is expressing their own feelings, even if it's in response to a behavior or action I did, it's not necessarily criticism. It's simply their reaction, and they are entitled to their own reactions, just as we are entitled NOT to own or accept their reaction as making our behavior "right or wrong".
>
> In other words, another person's feelings are just that---their feelings. They are not a judgement on our behavior. They are a reaction to it, perhaps. We may choose to take into account someone's feelings and subsequently modify our behavior. Or not.
>
> A concrete example: I react fairly strongly to smoke or strong perfume. If I walk by someone who smells strongly of smoke or has on a lot of perfume or cologne, I am very likely to start coughing, maybe even choke a bit. That's MY reaction. I certainly don't judge or criticize the person for smoking or wearing too much perfume. That's their business. My coughing is my reaction. They can take it into account and maybe decide they have too much perfume on. Or I can ask them to cut back. Or to smoke outside, etc. It's up to them what they do with that information. But nothing in my coughing says that I am judging or criticizing them. It's simply my reaction. Nothing in my asking them to smoke outside or to wear less perfume says I am critical of their behavioral choice. I am just expressing my own preference and need.
>
> Does that make sense?Well in a way, except you are talking about a physical reaction. I'm talking about an emotional reaction.
Of course it is okay to express a preference or need.
> >
> >
> > There have been, but I won't bother to go into it.
>
> I know it's felt that way to you.As I have said, feelings are facts...they aren't right...or wrong...they just are.
Too bad we cannot choose our feelings, but we can't....
Thanks for writing,
Ally> >
>
> gg
poster:allisonross
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588686.html