Posted by allisonross on December 11, 2005, at 7:14:11
In reply to Re: Will my words diminish dreams ,spirits of another? » one woman cine, posted by Gabbix2 on December 10, 2005, at 22:55:25
> > "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all",
I wanted to respond; hope you don't mind, because I am the one that said that. Where I was coming from, wasn't what you are talking about (being obedient, submitting, etc., etc.)
I've been expressing my opinions ALL of my life (born standin up and talking back)..I'm the poster-child for saying what I think.
As a child, I fought back constantly agains the abuse. I asked my sister "why was I the scapegoat?" She said: "Because you would never shut up!"
I meant basically, as adults we can choose to say nothing if the "stuff" has nothing to do with us, or we will hurt another human being. I don't know if I am expressing this well, but I am trying.
to me is a phrase oft told to me by my parents to make sure I was obedient, well-behaved, and always agreeable. Perfect, except it was making me submit to things that were harmful to me as a person. It took away the power of my voice & in my opinion, to all children.
>
> This really hit home with me.
> The phrase if you can't say "anything nice"
> is meaningless to me.
> What's nice? Nice is subjective.
> Women still wouldn't have the vote if we'd been NICE
>
> Kindness, and goodness come in many forms.
> I've learned other viewpoints, and ways of thinking that are precious because someone took the time to offer me an alternate way of looking at things, rather than just nodding their head and saying nothing.I always want to hear what people have to say; I value authenticity.
> To me that is a true kindness.
>
> I would much rather know clearly how someone feels if they are bothered by something I've said rather than have to read between the lines, of their response or sense that something is "off"I cannot bear for anyone to be the slightest bit angry, upset at me. I know this comes from childhood, so I always want to clear the air; talk about it, resolve it, and move on.
>
> Two of my favourite babblers are people I had strong disagreement with. We talked it through, rather than submitting to a tepid congeniality in order to be 'nice'No one would ever say I am "tepid"...LOL...they would say I am passionate.
> And now I have two very close e-friends because of that exchange.
>
> I too have been abused, badly, as a child, and for a long time.I am sorry for that. I had the same experience.
> I don't see the connection between that, and people not being permitted to say how something I say makes them feel - that I can't hear it because it's too painful for me to be criticized as I've been abused.
It's only natural to not want to hear criticism. I lived with it as a child and then in 31 years of marriage. I've worked excruciatingly long and hard to get the toxic people out of my life.
None of my friends ever...criticize me. THey allow me....to be me. I feel "heard" with them, at that is what we all need..to be heard, and validated.
Because of abuse I (lots of abused people) are hypersensitive to criticism; it is only natural for that to happen.
I believe if we use "I" messages. --I felt like this....when you said that.... To me that's a method of gaining control, I would also feel as if I was maintaining my position as a victim.
In my whole life, I never thought of myself as a victim; I call myself an overcomer and wounded-healer.
>
> That's not who I am, the person I am is the person I have become because of this.
> The world is not going to stop for me if I announce my past. If I say that I have a need to express myself because of it, than I would not dare assume that the same need is not for everyone, That would infer that they themselves couldn't know pain, like mine.
>
> Everyone has a story, most of us have a story that would break your heart, and sometimes those most quiet are the ones in excruciating pain.
>
> ****So, just like you have to express yourself, I also must do this.
>
> That says it all really, I don't even know why I bothered with the rest.I hope if there is any animosity between us (that's the hypersensitivity talking here, LOL), that we will resolve it, and become friends. I would like that.
Smiles, Ally
>
>
poster:allisonross
thread:587729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/587987.html