Posted by shrinking violet on April 29, 2005, at 18:56:59
First, this post deals with separation/termination issues, so if that is a sore topic for any of you (seems to be the current "hot topic" with many people right now), then you may not want to read further.
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I thought I was in pain before.....I thought that the pile of crap my life has become (or, rather, as I see it), had brought the most hurt and anguish I had ever let myself experience. My insides would feel like broken glass, and the pain was so deep I couldn't articulate it, it seemed to go down and down and down forever, into my toes and even beyond. So now there's that, PLUS leaving my team and my T. I had my next to last appt with her today and.....I don't know how I'm going to leave for the last time. It was so hard to leave today. My insides ache so much. I don't want to be alone again (well, more alone than I am now, which I didn't think was even possible). Nothing brings me the slightest bit of happiness or connection anymore....My T was one, but for all intents and purposes she isn't even there anymore. Nature and my cats were another but.....I don't feel it anymore. Watching the leaves stir in the wind or cuddling with my kitten doesn't bring any comfort anymore. I'm supposed to finish classes, find a job, and.....what? I don't understand. I don't understand the concept of living day to day. Why? Why do people do it? I honestly don't understand. And I don't want it, I don't want this for another 20, 30, 40+ years. God, that would be such hell.
I keep thinking of an image (I think it was Dinah, forgive me if I'm wrong) that was depicted here in another post, about how she would curl around her T's legs like a snake if she were ever expected to leave her T for good. That's what it feels like for me, b/c that is a reality for me right now. And I'm not ready, I'm not ready to leave her, emotionally or otherwise. And I know I'm in trouble. I don't know what's going to happen to me after that last session, I really don't. I just know that I don't think I can or want to exist afterwards. I want to email her, or go there and hold onto her and beg her not to let me leave, not yet.
Not yet.
:-(
poster:shrinking violet
thread:491643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/491643.html