Posted by shrinking violet on April 30, 2005, at 13:39:15
In reply to Re: Shrinking Violet (hands on hips), posted by fallsfall on April 30, 2005, at 12:45:33
> I agree with Dinah. This is not the time to give up. She's still your therapist, and - as her patient - you have an obligation to tell her how you are feeling.
--I can't see it that way. What can she do in a week or two? She isn't a miracle-worker, or a rescuer....As much as I wish she could hug me and fix my life, make the pain go away, etc, I know now that she can't do that. And forcing meds down my throat and locking me in a ward for a few days isn't going to help either. I'm beyond help. And I don't want it, not that kind. I'm in my own way, that's the truth of it. I've put her through enough, I wn't do it anymore. I need to handle this, or not, on my own, like I did before I met her. It's time to decide once and for all what to do. Before I started this with her, I told myself I'd give it a chance, even though I was skeptical. If it worked, great, if not....then it was time to lay down and find some peace in the only other way I know of.
>> You say that you don't want to ask to continue through the summer because it would be painful if she said no. Seems to me that you are in an awful lot of pain now - would her saying no be any worse than where you are? Isn't that worth the risk of asking? She doesn't even know that is what you want.
--I know, but she must know that's what I would want if she asked. And she hasn't. Even last session she said our last appt "will be and should be" in two weeks. That pretty much answers any hope I would have had for an extension. Besides, the end would be the same...it would come eventually. Maybe then I'd be able to work through some of this and be able to "accept" it better, but maybe not, so.....what would be the point. I couldn't chance it and add any more hurt. She hurts me in little ways iwth things she says as it is (more the way I take them than how she means them, maybe, but the end is the same).
> If you have been hiding your misery from her, then of course she can't help you.
-- I know, but it's too late now. And I can't be honest with her anyway. She'd tell the director, the other T's, and in the end I'd end up locked up in a ward again. I can't chance that. I can't trust her. Best to keep it to myself and decide on my own whtt to do. Time to fix myself in my own way, maybe, even if others don't agree with it. I just want some peace, that's all. And I wn't get it here. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
>> I've been in the hopeless place. In my case, my misery was caused by the therapist who I couldn't live without. I finally screwed up the courage to leave her. Now, 2 years later, things really are much better.
--I'm glad for you, I am. But I dont have 2 years. I don't have 2 months. I dont have that kind of time. I've waited for over 2 decades for things to "get better." Yet they always get worse. And I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, and I just can't.
> By the way, when I left her, I went to a different therapist (and I was SOO far into the camp of "My old therapist is the only one who could ever understand me in the world - I will die without my old therapist"). And he is wonderful. Very different from her. She taught me some things, he teaches me other things. My point is that there probably are other people out there who can help you when you can't see your current therapist anymore.
-I'm sure there are. But I want nothing to do with them. Sorry, but...therapy isn't for me. I've learned that. I'm so resistant it's futile to even try anymore. I'm glad it works for some people, but it won't for me. And I dont have the energy to go through xx number of T's to try to find a decent one, but it will still awlays be areminder that it isnt my T.....no, rephrase, that is wouldn't be MJ, b/c she's much more than a T to me.....a T is one of the last tings she is to me.
> But in the meantime, please tell your therapist that you want to see her through the summer, and make part of your therapy goals to have you situated with a new therapist when you can't see her anymore.
--I can't I cant risk it. And a new T wouldnt be a goal for me anyway. And I wont pretend it is.
See...it's hopeless for me. I'm my biggest enemy.
Sorry. I know you're trying to be hepful. I do appreciate it.
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:491643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/491918.html