Posted by shrinking violet on May 1, 2005, at 12:58:24
In reply to Re: i must be pretty trustworthy » shrinking violet, posted by annierose on April 30, 2005, at 23:17:52
>> SV, let the people in your life provide you with some support to help you make decisions. Just because therapy is ending with this one therapist, doesn't mean you have to end therapy forever. I know you think "she was it". No, she wasn't. Look how many therapist there are in the phone book ... hundreds and hundreds. Help is out there. You have to want the change. It isn't going to knock on your door. I believe you can make your life better. I am sorry you are feeling so much pain.
--I know, but that's the point: I "dont" want it, I don't want the change, and even if I did, on some small deep level....it's too late. I get in my own way, I won't let myself change. I'm too defensive, too stubborn....too many years of defensive measures and now their so ingrained I can't get past them. Besides, I don't necessarily like therapy. I actually think it's a twisted, stupid, gimmick. I'm sick of being seen as a pathology and not an individual, I'm tired of being analyzed and labeled, I'm tired of the "relationship" being so damned hypocritical. I went into T feeling this way, but on some level I also knew I needed it, so I thought i'd give it a try. I did. I would have left a long time ago if my T wasn't the person she was. And I think we both hung in longer than we should have, and maybe for not the best reasons. Why can't I mourn the loss of this T (this PERSON) without being wrong for it? I don't understand....See, more BS, more labeling, more hypocrisy.
I'm not asking for help.....I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe some small teensy part of me is, hence why I keep posting here when I should leave everyone alone. I think it's just that pesky ingrained surivival thing we all have whether we want it or not. But I haven't emailed my T, so that's progress.
See, I'm defensive.
And tired today, even though I slept on and off for 14+hours.Sorry.....I won't post anymore, unless I can offer something to someone else.
sv
poster:shrinking violet
thread:491643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492322.html