Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2005, at 2:59:52
In reply to Alexandra, posted by ClearSkies on November 30, 2005, at 6:33:29
> When I am having a "prickly" time of it
> My perception of words' meanings becomes distorted
> I find hidden and sarcastic meanings in the words before me
> So sometimes I just don't read
> Which is better than I used to do, which was to become rather huffy and "Are you talking to ME?!" in my responses. Overinflated, inappropriate.
> I consider this progress that I have made.
> That I can still feel passionately about what I read
> But I don't always have to act on it.And to see that sometimes the meaning is unclear
That ones interpretation may be a distortion
Sometimes...
That can help too
Can help with muting the painful response.
But sometimes it can be hard to tell
Whether ones interpretation is appropriate or not...
Hard to tell
Hard to tell
I can be sensitive too...
Sometimes it is best to not respond
But that is hard
So very hard
I understand that.> As for the notion of being happy in our solitude before we can be happy with others
> I don't that is the point, really.
> It's not about being happy or sad or pushing others away if they get too close
> It's about self love
> It's about letting ourselves be Enough. We are smart enough, motivated enough, happy enough, handsome/pretty enough.
> To look in the mirror and not hate the person who is looking back
> That is a pretty big deal,Yes. That is a big deal.
Because it really doesn't matter how much someone else loves us or cares for us
If we don't accept ourself
We will not be able to accept that another can care
It is just that we will feel better for a while...
Then have to run because
One can't trust others enough to believe
That they could possibly be genine with their care.>to be able to get to the place where we can say that we are OK with ourselves the way we are.
> For example
> Since I stopped drinking, I have gained some weight.
> Not much, just a couple of pounds.
> And I have already gained a bunch of weight from the different antidepressants I have tried in the last few years.
> So my belly is round
> And my hips are padded where they didn't used to be
> And I have to try really hard to look at myself in the mirror and not be repulsed by who I see
> But then I think
> That being sober is worth carrying a few more pounds than I used to
> And being less depressed and more functional is worth having my waistline go bye-bye
> Because I don't see this as the way I will always be
> My shape will change again
> And being plump is not a reflection of who I am inside.Yeah, and thats a hard one that I find hard too.
It is funny looking at pictures...
The renaissance?
When chubby or cuddly was all the rage
Now its the pre-adolescent boy look
(On girls)
But its so very pervasive
And I destest how my body feels
The flesh
And yet...
I could try and eat more healthily
Try and join the gym
Try and take more exercise
I could
But at the end of the day...
Its just not that important to me
> Our emotions aren't good or bad
> They are our own. Valid in themselves.
> Maybe the volume control needs some refinement (like when I read things and get all upbraided by it)Yes.
I think you are right there.
Its just appropriateness sometimes...
Is the situation an appropriate response to the present?
Or is it an appropriate response to the past?
I can't tell about the present...
What is going on...
Because I'm split between the present and the past
And sometimes I can't tell which is which
And where I am.> Quite often I need the mirror of someone else's reaction to my emotions
> To get it calibrated
> That's something I want to be able to do on my own
> Not through isolation
> But in self reflectionYeah.
A mirror.
Yet sometimes that can be most terrifying...
Especially when one hates and hurts
To risk that being mirrored back
Because sometimes I think that my worst fear
Is that other people will think of me
Judge me
The way I think of and judge myself.But yeah, a mirror...
And another point of view.
Yes, others help us calibrate.
Sometimes I can be really very mad but when I express that...
The other person is apologetic and didn't mean for me to feel that way...
And then the feeling dissapates.
But why couldn't I have trusted their intentions in the first place?
It is hard to trust when trust has been broken so much...
But if you do not trust
Then it is hard for others to feel safe with you
And the cycle continues...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:575153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/584064.html