Posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2005, at 3:13:07
In reply to Re: (I don't get the whole transference thing) » ClearSkies, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2005, at 22:39:43
and i don't know what i'm saying...
i feel sad. fragile i guess.
life is funny sometimes.
funny strange not funny ha ha.
and i wish i was a stronger person
more resiliant
could let things roll of my back
could deal with things without letting them affect me so very much along the way
could deal with things without going off along the waybut i guess thats just not the person i am
though i wish it was
i wish it wasand i wish i didn't need people
i fought that for so long
i was determined
i thought that was the way it was for everyone
i guess i never really thought about it properly
i thought i had to find myself before i was fit to be around people
and so i isolated myself
and one can't find oneself there
one cannot
and when people talk about that
about how that is what you need to do
then they do not understand what i mean by isolation
because you cannot find yourself there you cannot
and i see now that in a lot of ways i made things worse
because like how sensory deprivation brings on hallucinations
isolating yourself so much from people
(not leaving the house for days...)
brings on hallucinations
and i guess i was making myself sicker
and thought i was finding myself
doing the right thing.snapping out of it a bit
but still wary still wary
and now i appreciate more how different life is
life was for most people
for other people
and sometimes i hardly fit in
like a human being
because things were so very different for me in a lot of ways
but then i suppose one can focus on difference
and one can focus on similarities
and i guess i'm human after all.i remember what the skills leaders said in dbt
about how if there were no emotions then people wouldn't do anything...
there wouldn't be any motivation...
there wouldn't be any reason.
a person wouldn't save a child from a burning building if there weren't any emotions
but that is simply false.
drives motivate but most often do not constitute emotions
i don't have an emotion that motivates me to drink
i have a drive of thurst
and it isn't about having no emotions anyway...
its about having no pain
that is the point.
and as for having pain...
there is really no reason why pain has to feel so damned painful
it could have been a little noise like an alarm clock and it would have functioned just as well
there is no reason whatsoever for pain to hurt
and there is no reason whatsoever for emotions to be painful
it is just that they are.
and i don't like it and you can have this back now thanks...but i suppose half the trouble is in thinking too much...
over analysing...
i probably talk myself into more than is good for me
i probably think about things more than is good for me
but...
i guess its part of who i am
and while i wish the pain would stop
i don't really have the desire to think less
i don't really have the desire to do more
to join the gym
to play a sport
to find a hobby
i guess these things just aren't important to me.i don't know what i'm saying.
i feel flat
i think i probably just need to...
get some sleep.but sometimes it does seem like i am split
my head whirling in one direction
dispassioned
relentless
and my emotions so very intense on the other
i thought it was about that...
i thought that was how i was supposed to master my emotions
through logic
through reason
if emotions are responses to irrational thinking
then the cure must be in rational thinking
in logic
so i learned logic
i did
and i learned (as best one can it is jolly hard)
how to translate ordinary english into logic
and problems...
problems with indeterminacy of translation
and indeterminacy of meaning
and was this helping or missing the point?
logic is the study of the structure of arguments
is it illogical arguments that gets me into such an emotional state?
missing the point...its not a matter of logic it is not
and you can't conquer emotions via reason
you cannot
its in the indeterminacies
the indeterminicies of translation
between english and predicate calculus
between the state of the world and ones description of the world in language or thoughtbut the trouble with indeterminacy is that it is indeterminate
and there isn't THE answer
except that the problem was the pain
the intense emotions
and thus if it is those you want to change...
you need to adopt the interpretation with the highest probablility of leaving one feeling okay...
and while there is indeed an irreducible element of indeterminacy...
there are reality constraints
and one can't distort things too much
well...
not unless one is able to supress reality testing altogether...
which one should probably not aim to do
(and i've found i can't if i try so it is pointless thinking on it)and the answer...
how can i live my life seeking the answer to the question 'what is wrong with me and what do i need to do to fix it?'
but i am...
and i don't imagine i'll ever stop
till its over
and then the answer won't even matter anymore.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:575153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/583611.html