Posted by alexandra_k on November 28, 2005, at 19:51:28
In reply to Re: Mania's a circle, you know, because it is » alexandra_k, posted by zeugma on November 28, 2005, at 19:13:57
hey. i'm sorry. have fallen apart rather :-( and i can see what it is about... i am so predictable... they tell me i can't have treatment 'cause i function too highly and so... what am i going to do... my functioning is going to be in danger of disintegrating. and i hate it i hate it so much. like when i was terminated last time and so what do i do? miss time and then come around in the hospital somewhere looking for him and not being able to remember who i am etc. i so hate myself :-( it doesn't feel volountary... but i so hate myself :-( and it is so f*cking transparant even to me. and still more so after being dx'd bpd for so many years and being berrated for my manipulativeness etc. i haven't been able to work. i can't stop crying. i can't sleep. but i just want to stay in bed all the time. i know i need to just curl up and ride this through and keep away from people when i'm like this... yet i keep coming here and posting and provoking people... and i just want to be held. thats all i want. is for someone to hold me and be kind to me and tell me that its okay that i'm okay that its going to be okay. but there isn't anyone. and i shouldn't need anyone anyway. and i can't afford to need anyone. and if you need people then you only open yourself upl for people to exploit you. like people have done to me all my life. and i just wan t this to be over :-( i'm sorry z. i'm sorry :-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:575153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/583144.html