Posted by alexandra_k on November 28, 2005, at 19:10:09
In reply to Re: Mania's a circle, you know, because it is, posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2005, at 23:55:31
i'm sorry zeugma
me
me
me
all about
me
i do get self absorbed at times...but yeah, i think i hear what you are saying...
and i feel the same way at times.
or maybe this is different
i don't know
but i guess i'm about to go on about
me
me
me
again
<sigh>i've always felt like i was broken or something. that something was wrong with me. and so i guess... i started to try and figure out what on earth it was... and now i think i have a pretty good idea. i think i know what is wrong. but there isn't a lot that i can do about it. short of a fairly major personality overhaul and i can't see that happening anytime soon. i don't know whether they will do that anymore even. and even if they did i could never afford it. so i just struggle on as best i can. and i guess... for the most part it is a fairly 'functioning' struggle and that is the only criteria that matters with respect to my life. my prospects for getting better or whatever. because apparantly the health service (mental health anyway) isn't 'comprehensive' it is just... well... emergency or whatever. short term cbt for a variety of conditions, but if that ain't suitable then sorry people. there is nothing we can do. and dbt. but i don't qualify for that anymore. and they are now saying... that i never really did. and slap the wrists of the people who did try and help me because 'objectively' i should have been terminated from the service long ago...
but what about me? and where does that leave me? and what does that offer me for my future and the person i want to be and so on. and the answer to that is it doesn't really matter. i mean.. they havent gone so far as to say that i'm just wanting self development, but it is more about they only offer treatment to the most severe cases where severity is determined by funcitoning and the fact that i am at university in the first place... is enough to rule me out because i function too well.
but for my future... they are telling me that i'll get a job one day. they are telling me that they will deal with me in crisis. and that hurts me so very much. they are telling me that my functioning is due to my hard work (which i don't really believe) but even if it was true then is that how hard work is rewarded these days?
i don't know. i don't really know what i'm saying or what i'm trying to say. i guess its about being left. being left to muddle on as best i can. and i suppose that is all very well... but for me. for what i want out of life...
i don't have a life who am i kidding. and i'm not going to get a life either. because i do hurt people. i do. and i don't seem to be able to refrain. and so... i suppose i could just keep on oblivious... in which case people will surely reject me at some point. or i can try and not hurt people (which i do believe is better because i don't think people should hurt each other) but yeah, that means backing way off. backing way off and keeping away and not letting anybody get to care about me because i will only hurt them. and so that means... a very lonely life. but i can't really see any other way. except that... i lack self control and at times i delude myself that i won't hurt pepole. and that it is okay for people to care about me and so on. but i am kidding myself. because i spin out. i do . and a dose of realism please.
and i really hope death is the end
and i hope it is soon.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:575153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/583118.html