Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2005, at 17:01:09
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2005, at 5:23:05
round and round and round i go...
i'm sorry.yet i persist...
i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be doing...
what it is 'good for me' to be doing...
i suppose that i have a suspicion
that it would be better for me to get involved in some doings
so that i am better able to distract myself from my thinkings
but...
that seems fairly unpalatable for some reason.
i wish i could get into my work...
properly.
when i am doing that it feels really wonderful
but it can be hard to come by.
i've spent much of the past two days...
sleeping.
and haven't been able to bring myself to do anything.
just two weeks
i just need to press on for two weeks
then it doesn't matter
i can sleep for a month
and maybe i will
i don't know.i think i might be depressed.
but i'm too reactive to be properly depressed.
so there it is.sometimes...
i just don't know how to make the nightmare stop...
maybe it is about...
tolerating it...
and i'll grow out of it
as i get older
or maybe...
that was my past dx and not this one
i don't know.
p-doc said...
that it would only make me worse to try and deal with / talk through the past.
so i guess that means...
riding it through...
riding it through...i'm not very functional sometimes...
but there is nothing to be done...
just functional enough...
just enough...on the borderline.
and i don't seem to be able to make myself well...
so i thought...
maybe i can make myself sicker...
maybe thats what you have to do to get a little help...
but that doesn't really work...
because you can't really make yourself...
in the way that seems to be required.
and if people think that is what you are trying to do
then boy oh boy do the judgements and anger come out
and then one only fears improvement...
because of termination...and i hate it
i hate this
i hate them so very muchand he couldn't even respect
DO NOT WRITE TO ME
because clearly he knows best...
he knows that it is better for him to send me a letter...
than to respect my request...well f*ck him
f*ck them all
poster:alexandra_k
thread:575153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051022/msgs/584269.html