Posted by sunny10 on May 3, 2005, at 14:19:07
In reply to Re: On the other hand... » sunny10, posted by Larry Hoover on May 3, 2005, at 12:52:43
again, I think I am just not making sense!
I DON'T want to think about this as "being the end". And I DON'T know WHAT he is or isn't doing at his mom's- and THAT'S my problem. My problem is that if he doesn't COMMUNICATE with me, how will I know WHAT he is doing?!?!?
MY issue is that I can't trust someone who is not communicating with me. HIS issue is that his communication skills STINK! He is perfectly capable of having a logocal, bussinesslike conversation, but when it comes to sharing feelings, asking for help, et cetera, it is almost non-existent. If you recall, I wrote something about this to you about the men raised here in my part of the country. And HE KNOWS that in order for a relationship to be equal and healthy in 2005, he needs to learn how to open up.
But as we all know, "knowing it vs doing it" are two different things. I want him to understand that if he's open with me, I CAN learn to trust him again. But it's hard to trust a brick wall, you know?!?
And yes, what I am asking is a tall order. But he is the one who wants to "live without chemicals" without the benefit of NA. Doesn't NA say that amends must be made, answering the call to accountability must be done, and the rest of what I've outlined in order for a person to truly understand what their addiction did to their lives and just how bad that life actually was- that it really didn't make them as happy as the drug let them THINK they were? Isn't that how you learn to embrace a life without drugs? I think he's perfectly capable of meeting those expectations- I'm just not sure how one gets past the denial stage and begins to take these steps...
I don't know that his mom IS an enabler...I don't know that he IS doing anything wrong at all besides not being open with me. I know that he is ashamed that this has happened and that talking about it and taking responsibility for it is difficult, but I don't want him to push it under the rug and pretend it never happened!
I perfectly understand that boundaries limit me, too. But if there were some in place, as least I would know what he needs and expects from me as well as what I expect from him! It is the not knowing that is driving me crazy!
I've mentioned above which is my sh*t and which is his... I can only change mine. And the letter that I am thinking of writing is the only way for me to "change" the situation for me. I need answers to these boundary questions. I'm not trying to change him anymore than he would be "changed" by learning to live clean of drugs; which is what he says he wants. And I know that only he can decide if he really wants a life without drugs and is willing to make the changes he needs to make to accomplish that. But he needs to communicate that decision to me with ACTIONS AND words.
If he's not interested in working out his issues, then you're right, there can be no "us". But he says that he is- he just needs more time... I need him to let me know what kind of TIME he is talking about.
Didn't you say that you had had substance issues in the past? Did everyone just give up loving you and walk away? If I'm mistaken, I'm sorry...even though I'd still like to know what you WOULD want if you were the one recovering...
I'll try writing the letter tonight...
poster:sunny10
thread:492670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/493163.html