Posted by sunny10 on May 4, 2005, at 8:04:34
In reply to Whether you realise it or not » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 3, 2005, at 22:18:23
I have listened to all of you- really I have.
I know it doesn't seem like that.
The most important thing to me right now is to remove the huge letter D from my forehead (doormat). By asking for an indeterminate amount of "time", he is in the position of calling all of the shots and leaving me with no choices, no say about anyhting at all. And that does not make a healthy beginning to rebuilding a relationship
as we both say we want to do.I have taken everything in that you've all had to say, held it up to the teachings of the Serenity Prayer, and decided that the only thing I can change about the situation is explaining exactly how I feel and what my expectations are in light of the promises he has made.
I wrote a seven page letter last night outlining how I saw our relationship evolve from when we first met, up to and including the argument that ended with me being strangled. It described how I saw our relationship before, and then including, his substance use and how it affected me. I ended the letter by explaining that although I understood his need for time to learn how to live chemical free, I needed us to develop some kind of time line that I could use to feel a part of what was going on, instead of him refusing to "talk about it right now", which only leaves me in limbo and confused.
I suggested creating boundaries that protect both him and me from the confusion we're lost in and stressed about right now. I told him that I loved him and that he knows that I am a "fraidy-cat", so the fact that I was willing to do all this should show him exactly how much I love him.
That was all I could do to "change" the situation for me. When he receives the letter, he will see our relationship from my point of view. That is the only thing I could change; so I did.
If he decides that he is not willing to do anything- or refutes anything that I had written- or decides that I am too high-maintenance, he will tell me it's over. And there is nothing I can do about it.
If he can find himself agreeing that we need those "ground rules" to lessen the tension, he will call me to discuss the letter and how we can set up the types of boundaries I suggested that will ease some of the confusion for both of us.
I can't know the outcome, but I can know that I've done all I can do to change the situation for myself.
I hope you all can support me in this, though I understand that you must feel I am beating a dead horse with this subject.
-sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:492670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/493514.html