Posted by Larry Hoover on May 3, 2005, at 7:40:05
In reply to Re: On the other hand..., posted by sunny10 on May 2, 2005, at 23:05:42
> And therein lies the problem... am I in the difficult stage of post-addiction, or in a manipulative relationship?
>
> And until the truth comes out, HOW DO I JUST STOP MY MIND? I have been saying the Serenity Prayer over and over, but cannot seem to still my on again, off again paranoid thoughts...
>
> So who can help with that?????Oh, dear...there's a whole lot going on right now, and I hope that there's something useful in what I say....
I think one of the simplest conclusions I reach by reading all you've said is that you don't trust him. I can understand why that complicates things, but I urge you to honour that feeling. One of my own personal rules of conduct/self-respect is, "My feelings are not subject to debate, by anyone....even me." I added the last bit to the more common aphorism, because I get nothing out of trying to rejig my own feelings to fit my expectations or my perceptions of my needs. I'm disrespecting myself, and not helping anything, anyway. My feelings just are.
That's where the serenity prayer comes in. Accept what you cannot change (your feelings), the courage to change the things you can (the lack of rules of conduct!).....
Surprised you, maybe? I don't hear that you guys set up any guidelines around mutually acceptable conduct, mutual required information sharing, etc. You're running on expectations, which can only lead to disappointments. "Expectations are pre-planned resentments", as they say. You can't work from assumptions about what somebody is going to do (or not do). Instead, you make a deal, you draw a line in the sand, and you observe.
Here's an example: You try to negotiate that until he obtains his own private accomodations, there will be no sleep-overs of any kind. Then it's not "your place or nowhere". You restore a normal dating-type balance. Or, you negotiate a "must-tell" agreement, so that each of you will tell the other of any straying outside the relationship. I'm not saying that will overcome dishonesty, but if you haven't got such an agreement already, it can promote this idea of faithfulness, which seems to be something you need while you're sorting out the details. At the same time, it makes the STD thing a reasonable limit on the behaviour (quite apart from the relationship issues).
I've just been speculating about what sorts of guidelines you might want to work towards. Making them overt is a good thing. In setting them up, you pretty much have to reveal why you prefer it that way. "I don't want to find out that I got sick from you sleeping with another woman. I want your promise you'll tell me." That's sounds reasonable to me. "I feel pressured to let you come over to my house all the time, because you don't have a place. I'm uncomfortable with that pressure, so I'm asking you to move ahead with your plans for independence." You can plan your comments ahead of time, right? Don't go into negotiations without having thought about it a bit. I talk out loud when I practise something I really want to get right.
I can think of rules you might want to discuss around his use of alcohol. "One drop on your breath, I'm gone...." Or money: "My money is my money." I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but what you might do.
I dunno what stuff is really on your plate. But I think what you're trying to do right now is to make your feelings go away. What your feelings want you to do is to pay attention, and to sort out why you're having them. I think those difficult feelings would be more than happy to go away, if you took steps to comfort them. It's not about his obeying the agreements, it's about your seeking them.
If an overt boundary *is* crossed, your anger has an obvious immediate trigger, and it might be easier for you to express, instead of implode. Right? Timely, measured anger?
Just some thoughts, eh?
Regards,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:492670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/493017.html