Posted by sunny10 on May 3, 2005, at 11:25:39
In reply to Re: On the other hand... » sunny10, posted by Larry Hoover on May 3, 2005, at 7:40:05
I'm a little confused by your post, I must admit.
We DID actaully have the conversation about seeing other people last night. It is agreed that we will not see other people. It is agreed that if the notion ever crosses our minds, that we are honor bound to tell the other before acting upon it- of course, we also understand that this would well and truly mean the end of our relationship.But the trust issue itself did not come from me- and it did not come from my fear of other women. IT STARTED because he lie to and deceived me so easily when he was using the drugs behind my back six months ago. It started because of his addictive behavior. First I became paranoid that everytime he was "having time to himself" in his den or working out, or working on his motorcycle, in the basement, that he was doing the drugs again. After all, said my logical, paranoid brain- that's where he's done it before- the den and the basement- and he hid behind my back and deceived me about it until I found physical evidence- what's to stop him from continuing that behavior? So I was a wreck anytime he wanted to be in either of those rooms (of course I was starting to drive the man batty- but he earned my distrust!). It drives me crazy that he says things are so tough now while trying to save the relationship "because you never trusted me and that's a problem". I did trust him before he gave me a reason not to...
Now he's in an entirely different house. And I know his mom refuses to get involved in any conversations with him about how he shouldn't drink hard liquor or do drugs- how it affects his health and his relationships with other people. Besides being his MOTHER, for goodness sake, she SHOULD care, especially since he is living in her house. She is apparently more afraid of confronting him with this stuff than of being strangled herself if he goes back to the hard liquor and they get in a argument! Which means he could go right back to using there; she won't say anything or try to stop him.... And knowing that she will no longer even discuss these things with ME, the other woman thing started out of sheer paranoia- she wouldn't tell me if he was going out with a different woman every night of the week! She has "taken herself out of this; I can't be in the middle because I love both of you". But he is her son- I am not her daughter...
Yes, I feel that I am the only one interested in helping him. I don't get it. Everyone agrees that he was completely wrong to lose control and resort of violence against a woman, but no one is helping him see that it is his primary job to start setting boundaries for himself that are socially acceptable. Finding an apartment shouldn't be his first priority- learning how to be accountable for his actions is.
Going to therapy- going to anger management classes- making amends to the ones he has hurt by his chemical abuses(me- and his mom by involving her in this)- being accountable in order to regain the trust of his loved ones. Those should be his first priorities.
He is hiding behind the "stress" of finding an apartment to avoid returning phone calls to friends in Colorado who have heard part of the story from the friend that met up with us in New Orleans. They care about him and want to understand what happened (he is "sick of telling the story" says he). And to avoid the fact that none of "the story" would have happened if he was in control of himself. I know that it is classic denial.
But should I believe that he wants to deny himself right out of my life when he tells me that "right now" he needs to think of his own needs before mine? He does need to learn a whole new way of living. It must be difficult.
What I need, though, is the type of boundary setting that you spoke of, but in terms of letting me know what he is doing, letting me know when he will call me (or when he'll be available to actually pick up that darn cell phone- even if he sets up a time to be outside of his mother's house to actually receive a cell signal to be able to answer his phone when I call), letting me "in", in other words. He wants to "handle things by himself", privately. HE thinks it proves something to himself- that he is capable of doing it by and for himself. I NEED him to understand that being part of a couple means open communication- not "one man as an island" mentality.
I think I need to write him a letter. It may take a few days to actually word it correctly, but I think I need to let him truly understand what Susan47, gg, and you have said about his behavior and how it affects me. And that the distrust that I have was the direct outcome of his earlier behaviors- not because I "can't trust anyone"- he cannot turn the situation around to make me feel like the bad guy. If he really wants to make something of "us", then he needs to understand that my needs are just as important as his. That he can't just figuratively set me on a shelf "while he handles his stuff" and expect for "us" to work. I'm not an inanimate, unthinking, unfeeling thing. I am not a plate. I have needs, too.
But, in the meantime, I am not sleeping very well. I have been late to work twice in the past two weeks because I have resorted to sleeping pills just to shut off my mind and go to sleep. My boss knows SOME of what has been going on and has been pretty understanding, but it makes me feel bad about myself to not be acting accountable to the hours of my job! This has to stop somehow. These swirling thoughts in my head.
I have tried meditation in the past, but can never get past the swirling thoughts.
Maybe I'll feel better after I write the letter and receive (or not) some kind of response....
What do you think about this type of "coping mechanism"? Letter writing, I mean? Do you think it will help get the thoughts out of my head if I put them on paper and mail thenm away?
I was even thinking about including copies of Susan47, and gg's posts... your own last post had too much to do with the other woman thing and we already discussed that, so it'd be a little like beating a dead horse if I included that one...
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
poster:sunny10
thread:492670
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/493104.html