![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Like many of you, my illness has a physical component (both my dad and my sister have been diagnosed Bi-polar), but it also has an environmental component (my mom is unaware of emotions - her own and other people's, and my dad was a workaholic and quite unavailable to me).
I talk to them on the phone periodically (once a month?). Usually I talk more with my mother. Recently she asked how I was and I told her that I was having a pretty hard time. Her response was: "Oh, well, how are the kids, then?" Clearly she didn't want to talk about my difficulties.
Last night they both called me - I had given them tickets to a local play for Christmas, and they wanted to report that they had gone and enjoyed it. My dad asked how therapy was going. I know that he did want to know. So I told them that recently I had figured out a pattern in my life that started when I went into the hospital just before I turned 2, with Meningitis. I explained to them that this was back in the days when parents were not allowed to stay, and in fact, they refused my mother when she asked to be with me during the (very painful) spinal taps. I told them that they didn't do anything wrong (I needed to be in the hospital and they weren't allowed to stay), but that this was a very traumatic time for me. I didn't tell them details about my pattern, or other times that it has shown up in my life. I told them what I did tell them because I wanted them to know that I was doing real (and difficult) work in therapy and making some progress. My mother's response was (typically): "So, if you didn't have Meningitis, then you wouldn't have any problems?". My father and I both told her that it wasn't quite that simple.
How much do you tell your parents about things that they did when you were little (either purposefully or by accident)? I can't really see the value of telling them how they weren't there for me. But at the same time, I would like them to understand me a little better, and so I would like them to know some of the things that I am learning about myself.
I'm not interested in "blaming" them for anything. Their intentions were always good, they always loved me. I am not *angry* at them for the way they brought me up (but ask again in a year, I think that I ignore my anger a lot).
When is it helpful to let them know what is really going on?
Posted by Karen_kay on February 22, 2004, at 13:45:33
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
First of all, I'm sorry your mom invalidated your idea and pattern. It hurts when parents, friends do that. I thik it's spectacular that you picked up on that pattern. Did you do it on your own or with the guidance of your therapist? Wow! That's wonderful that you were able to pinpoint a certain time when it started! Props to you!
I know form my personal experience with amother who sounds like she has a similar personality as yours, that it's not helpful to me to inform her of things she did (knowingly and otherwise) that encouraged my negative behvavior as an adult.
She often times says, "I know I was a terrible mother," at which I hug her and reassure her she was not. I don't inform her because I have forgiven her (I know that's not your case) for things she did to me as a child. And she was rather abusive, to the point of locking my sisters and I outside during the summer all day and making us drink from the waterhose. ( I only included this information so you could see she was rather abusive. She also threatened suicide every day and on my father's birthday, her gift to him was a suicide attempt... She had problems, as you can see)...
But, in my heart of hearts I have forgiven her for these things. I honestly don't hold any grudges. I came to me by knowing that she was hurting on the inside and didn't have the help and support she needed.
I think that informing them should be a decision you make with a clear head. Decide if it will help you and/or them in some way. If it doesn't progress your well-being then I'd say "No," don't. If it will help progress your therapy and healing, then do it.
I know it's hard to tell if telling will actually progress your therapy, but look at your motivations for doing so. If it's to become closer to your parents and help aid you to stop this pattern, then do it. And hope for the best outcome.
It seems that you wanted to "show" them that you were doing somethign in therapy. Can you not get that validation from yourself, your therapist, your support? Everyone on the board knows you are working hard. Maybe you could just explain that you want more support/validation/nurturing form your parents without going into detail agout your therapy and specifics if it proves to be harmful.We know you are working hard. I thik the answer may come when You know you are working hard.
Sorry again if this sounds a bit "preechy" but Falls dear I care about you and don't want to see more invalidation from your mother. I fear that may be what happens if you disclose personal therapy issues.
Posted by pegasus on February 22, 2004, at 15:50:39
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Wow, interesting, falls. Both your insights, and your mother's reaction. It sounds very familiar to me.
I've talked about this type of thing with my old T in the past. My mom also takes any mention of a bad thing in my life as some kind of condemnation of her. So, she'll respond, like Karen's mom did, with some kind of statement about how she screwed up. My T would point out that she was taking a conversation that was about something important in my life, and making it about her. So, essentially, the message was that we can't talk about hard things in my life without blaming her. Which I don't. It's a different brand of invalidation.
My T would say that I could say something like, "Mom, I know this must be hard for you to hear. I don't mean to be saying that you did anything wrong, and I'm not trying to make any point about your parenting. I think you were a great mom and I love you. When you say things like that, I find it hard to talk about these important things that I'd like to be able to talk to you about." My T lives in therapist world, where families really talk like that.
Anyway, I was also in the hospital very young (with severe pneumonia - apparently I almost died). I remember being taken from my mother, and put in an oxygen tent. I was alone a lot, as I remember it. It was extremely traumatic, and when I'd ask for my mom, they'd say she couldn't come (apparently my brother was also in the hospital at the same time, and probably she spent a lot of time with him, or at home with my other siblings). So, I'm wondering how your early hospitalization and "abandonment" by your parents affected you. Maybe I have a similar thing going on.
- p
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 16:02:48
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by pegasus on February 22, 2004, at 15:50:39
> My T lives in therapist world, where families really talk like that.
ROFL. My therapist lives in therapist world too. LOL. He wants me to talk to *everyone* like that. Bosses, acquaintances, everyone!
And they think I'm a bit odd now! Just imagine.
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 16:11:26
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Sounds like you've got one parent on board! That's not half bad.
I agree with Karen Kay. If you keep trying with your Mom, you're likely to get hurt. It's nothing about you and everything about her limitations. It doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship with her, within her abilities. But it's not unlikely that you can't have the sort of relationship you'd like to have with her.
But you can try with your dad!
You're a Mom yourself. And as you say, there's a genetic component to these things. (We started setting aside for my son's future therapy before he was born.) It's likely that in some way or another you've been less than an ideal parent. Gasp!!! I don't mean any disrespect by that, or to make any comments on your parenting abilities. I just figure we all let our kids down somehow in a way that gives them plenty of future material for therapy. We're too close and intrusive or too distant. We're too rigid or too permissive. No one can balance on that fine line of perfect. What can you learn from your experience with your parents that will help you help your kids better should they ever come to you to discuss their therapy. Can you think of ways that they could do it that would make it easier for you to respond positively? Perhaps you can use some of those techniques with your dad, and maybe even your Mom.
Posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 16:24:41
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
I never talk to my dad about how he treated us when I was little and he never brings it up. Except to tell me a few years ago not to get divorced, that I shouldn't put what I want in front of what my kids need. Maybe a learned lesson? I don't know.
I have this push/pull relationship with my mom. I love her dearly and think she is this amazing woman who has broken a million glass ceilings, accomplished tons in a man's world, all while wearing a skirt and heels and of course, her diamonds. She taught me to be a strong woman and I truly believe that she believes I could do ANYTHING - and she would be behind me no matter what. But...she wasn't THERE for me. She was always working. She talks about "quality" time -- but at 12 I was running the whole household, looking after my baby sisters, doing laundry, cooking the meals, even doing the grocery shopping. At the time I was pretty proud of myself and liked how grown up it all was. And even now I know she didn't have too many choices, she had to work, etc. But because she wasn't there emotionally, I can't share my emotional turmoil now. It is really complicated, I tell her I'm unhappy and she says she knows that. The she will tell me how strong I am, how great I am, how capable and how she has taught me to look at the bright side of things. *sigh* No pressure there.
My question, when I think about talking to her about stuff, is whether it will change how she relates to me? Will she ever "get it"? If not, and I don't think she will this late in life, then why go through the drama of trying? Head banging eventually is a self-injurious past time. If I thought she ever would understand and give me the response I wanted/needed, then I might keep trying. Because as I sort all this stuff out, I feel like there is a giant wedge between us. But then I ask myself what a 40-something should want/need from her mommy anyway?
But this I can tell you. I parent completely different than she did. I am around, probably more than they want. And emotionally, I try to talk to them about how things feel, not just about what they did. When my son was in therapy, he processed his sessions with me, which didn't always make me feel good, but it helped me understand him.
I have no idea if I've even come close to answering the question. Maybe I'm too new to the process still. But a wise friend told me that I should stop trying to get emotional support from people who have consistantly failed to provide it. Instead, accept who they are and what they could offer and go find other people for the deep support I needed. That way I wouldn't be sad for what I wasn't getting and I wouldn't be disappointed in them for who they are.
Posted by Racer on February 22, 2004, at 17:36:51
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 16:24:41
What DaisyM posted:
"But a wise friend told me that I should stop trying to get emotional support from people who have consistantly failed to provide it. Instead, accept who they are and what they could offer and go find other people for the deep support I needed. That way I wouldn't be sad for what I wasn't getting and I wouldn't be disappointed in them for who they are."
That says almost everything.
As for me, my mother is the polar opposite of fallsfall's, it seems. Mother blames herself so much, more of my attention is aimed at reducing her pain and feelings of failure than of communicating any of the negatives. Of course, that's also a continuation of the rest of my life: protecting mother. I, too, did the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, ironing, etc by 12 or 13. In my case, of course, it was in self-defense: mother would get distracted and wander off, in her sweet gentle moonbeam way, from the cooking or laundry. That habit resulted in things like pink underwear and flaming broilers. Taking it on myself was just a way to keep my undies white and my food edible.
So, I can't offer much beyond my own experiences, but I hope it helps to see that there is another wrong way to do it...
Posted by gardenergirl on February 22, 2004, at 19:40:10
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
OMG, you might be writing about my life. Just add alcoholism to the dad and narcissism to both; change the menigitis to encephalitis, and I'm right there!
I don't share anything in therapy with my parents. I just don't want to deal with either the lack of response (which is most typical) or the emotions it could stir up in them. It's enough for me to just try to understand it myself. Perhaps a significant note: my parents never ask, and I'm not sure they even remember I'm in therapy. How brave you are for discussing it with your folks.
I did talk with my dad recently and acknowledged to him my struggles with procrastination after he talked of his own (he's writing his memoirs...snicker, narcissist! Okay, that was mean, I know.) He was dumbfounded! He went on and on about how I need to just get over it, presumably so he can keep the image in his head about how perfect his little girl was.
Lovely.
I'm sorry you had a similar situation. I know how hurtful it was to be alone like that, even if it was circumstance. Besides, you get isolated even from other kids in the hospital due to congagion risks.
Did your visitors have to gown and mask up? I felt like an alien because of that. Also, my dad and brother went to a movie and waved to me from the parking lot as I watched them go from the window. I was so upset that I couldn't go too. I still have never seen 2001 Space Odyssey.
I was so young, when the tech was saying "just a little stick here" during the spinal tap, I thought he meant that he would be poking me in the back with a stick! :) That's the nice memory.
Sorry to make this about me. But wow, such resonance when I read your post.
Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on February 22, 2004, at 19:50:13
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 16:24:41
Oh Daisy, again, I really resonate with your post. Although I did not have to do as much as you to take care of the household, I do remember that anytime my mom had one of her "sick headaches" requiring her to take a Valium and check out for awhile, I was always so proud of my abilities to get dinner on for me and my sibs and to try to take care of my mom by giving her a backrub, etc. Thinking about that now, I see what I lost in childhood by being so adult. It's complex, though, because I was so reinforced both from 'rents and from inside for being so "adult". No wonder I am enjoying regressing so much, lately. I think regression is awesome! Let me wear pigtails again like I used to (not that you are regressed, Dinah). Let me enjoy jumping in a stack of fall leaves like a kid. Let me spin around in my desk chair.
I also learned from my T how wise it is to stop going to an empty well for support and validation. Now, I rely on my husband, friends, treasured aunt and uncle, and you Babblers for validation and support. Much better choices, if you ask me.
Daisy, you sound like a wonderful parent. Your son is so lucky. I hope you realize that in your heart of hearts!
take care,
gg
Posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 20:34:55
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » DaisyM, posted by gardenergirl on February 22, 2004, at 19:50:13
Thank you GG. It is nice to hear. It is one of the areas that I worry about most but have always felt I did best.
The awful question now is, as they are leaving home, who am I really? My mother???
Posted by cubic_me on February 23, 2004, at 7:42:50
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
I don't know if I can really add anything to this, and in a way I agree with what DaisyM said about not trying to get emotional support from someone who is unlikely to give it.
My parents know nothing about my SI or depression. A few years back a teacher rang my mum and told her she thought I may be depressed - my mum lauged, said I couldn't possibly be depressed and told all her friends how hillarious it was (I was deeply suicidal at the time). Often people think that my parents should know something of my emotional life, but I'm old enough to stand on my own feet now, and they do not deserve to know. I get on well with them on a superficial level, and I do not blame them for how they brought me up, but I think that anyone must earn the right to know about me in that way, and they haven't earned it.
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:23:05
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by Karen_kay on February 22, 2004, at 13:45:33
The pattern that I recognized (When I am sick, then I am bad (have done something wrong - evil), and noone will be there), came to me at 5AM the morning after I saw a person who I hadn't seen in 8 years. She triggered many memories. We had been over some things in therapy in recent months. Somehow it all just fit together. And I find that if a situation doesn't quite fit, I'll force it to fit (If I am sick and abandoned I'll find something that I did to interpret as being bad.) I'm still figuring out how to use knowledge of the pattern to make things better.
My mother has never said that she was a bad mother - and I have never thought that she was. I don't think that she knows that she should have been more than she was. As a person, I think that she is limited. It would be like complaining that a mother couldn't drive you to all of your activities because she was blind.
I'm sorry that your mother was hurting - and more sorry that her hurt ended up hurting you. I think it is positive that you can see that blaming her wouldn't help anything. I think that we are in much the same situation.
I like your idea of my talking to them "stopping the pattern". The pattern says that I am sick, so I am bad, and noone is there. I AM sick (Depression), but I am trying very hard not to be bad, and maybe if THEY were there, it would be easier to know that I'm NOT bad. I hadn't seen that until just now. Thanks, Karen.
>
> It seems that you wanted to "show" them that you were doing somethign in therapy. Can you not get that validation from yourself, your therapist, your support? Everyone on the board knows you are working hard. Maybe you could just explain that you want more support/validation/nurturing form your parents without going into detail agout your therapy and specifics if it proves to be harmful.My therapist will be thrilled with this comment of yours. We have done some excruciatingly hard work on validation recently. I hadn't seen the talk with my parents as looking for validation, but I think you are exactly right.
Thanks for caring, Karen. You've made me think about some important things.
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:31:41
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by pegasus on February 22, 2004, at 15:50:39
I think that the early hospitalization (I was 22 or 23 months old) set the stage for my abandonment fears.
I think that it also crystalized the belief that I must have done something bad, even though I can never (even in current reinactions of the pattern) figure out what I did that was wrong. My sister also has a pervasive feeling that she will be punished for doing something that she didn't know was wrong - so clearly there was something in our environment that perpetuated that feeling. But I think that it started for me in the hospital (Why else would they have been sticking needles in my back - punishing me - if I hadn't done something wrong?).
The experience also made me predict that people wouldn't be there for me. When I was little and would throw up in my bed, I would need to call for my mother. I would start in a whisper "Mommy?", and then try again 30 seconds later a little louder "Mommy?". It was always a question - like I expected her to not come. It took 5 or 10 minutes for me to call loudly enough for her to hear me. I also tend not to ask people (friends) for help - perhaps because I think that they won't either be able or willing to help. I don't want to hear the rejection, so I don't ask.
How do you think your early hospitalization effected you?
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:34:51
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by Dinah on February 22, 2004, at 16:11:26
I know that trying to get my mother to understand my therapy is a lost cause. She's great with lots of other things - logistics is her specialty.
I have really mixed feelings about my dad. He tends either to be so involved in his own stuff that he is oblivious to the fact that anyone else HAS any stuff. Or he wants to "merge" - there was a time when he tried to "do therapy" for me - I stopped it when he wanted to tape record our phone conversations so that he could transcribe them. I haven't figured out if I can find a middle ground with him.
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:40:21
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 16:24:41
I'm sorry that your mother won't acknowledge that difficulties and weaknesses are part of being human. That IS too much pressure to put on a child (even a grown one).
>But then I ask myself what a 40-something should want/need from her mommy anyway?
Well, I know what *I* want from my mommy. I want her to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that it will all be alright.
I guess the crux of my question really is "What should a 40-something woman/man want/need from her/his parents, anyway?"
I am understanding that I won't get what I need from my mom - she doesn't have it to give. I'm still deciding about my dad.
And yes, I think I've done better with my kids.
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:42:07
In reply to Wow! and a contribution, posted by Racer on February 22, 2004, at 17:36:51
Yes, Racer. Our Moms are very different.
And I would say that this DOES help (but I'm not sure why): I hope it helps to see that there is another wrong way to do it...
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:45:53
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » fallsfall, posted by gardenergirl on February 22, 2004, at 19:40:10
I'm sympathetic to your lack of parental support - even now. And the "requirement" that you keep up perfect appearances.
How old were you when you were in the hospital? How much do you remember?
I was 22 or 23 months old. When I was 5 I could remember the pain of the spinal taps, and now I can remember being able to remember when I was 5. But I don't know about gowns or anything. Most of what I know is from my parents' (questionable) memories. And I'll tell them something that they told me 6 months ago and they say "gee, I didn't know that"... So who knows what really happened?
I'm sorry for your isolation. I know that can be so painful.
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:48:25
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents?, posted by cubic_me on February 23, 2004, at 7:42:50
I can certainly understand your feeling that your parents haven't "earned" the right to know about your inner self. I have a desperate *need* for them to validate my inner self - because I can't seem to validate MYSELF. It is interesting how we all have different needs.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 23, 2004, at 10:59:51
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:45:53
> How old were you when you were in the hospital? How much do you remember?I was actually in the hospital a lot when I was a kid. At age 18 mos. and then again at 2 years old I had eye surgeries. I remember being wheeled into the operating room. I was working on an alphabet puzzle and the nurses were helping me. The doctor had really cold hands. I also remember waking up in restraints as the anesthesia they gave me was PCP (angel dust). You gotta love the 60's. Apparently I was hallucinating and trying to tear off the bandages. I asked to be released, but they wouldn't release me until the doc. said okay. That was hard. Of course I didn't understand. I'm surprised I remember so much.
I was 5 when I had encephalitis. I remember playing games of old maid incessantly when I was awake. I remember not being allowed to go watch tv with the other kids on the unit because there was no where to plug in my heating pad (my back had folded up in a pike postition from the rigidity). I was really upset about that, all alone in my room. I once said to my mom, "that must have been a really scary time for you." I was thinking about how serious this illness is. She answered something vague and didn't seem to have been very upset about it. WELL IT WAS SCARY FOR ME! She's so not into other's feelings.
>>
> I'm sorry for your isolation. I know that can be so painful.Thanks for the thoughts.
gg
Posted by mair on February 23, 2004, at 11:48:41
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Nothing! I've never told my parents that I've been treated for multiple episodes of major depression; I've never told them I take antidepressents or that I am in therapy. I can see no purpose to it.
I love my mother; I have great difficulties with my narcissistic father, although I work hard to hide them under the surface. A couple of years ago, I was particularly angry with him and my therapist was telling me I had to keep my distance. I decided to write him a letter telling him about my depression and explaining to him why I couldn't be responsive to him. My sister (the only person in my fairly large family who knows anything about my medical history) talked me out of it arguing, correctly that rather than create some space, my father would be all over me either trying to defend himself or make amends. A letter would have had the opposite effect I was seeking. I followed her advice and really it was fine because I got alot out of just writing the letter; there was no reason to mail it.
This is a touchy subject for me because for the last several sessions, we have been talking alot about my very normal childhood. My therapist is convinced that the core of all of my self-hatred was formed as a young child, largely perhaps because my parents really didn't understand how truly sensitive I was. She may be right, but to me, now a parent of teenagers, it's a truly frightening proposition. I seem to remember very little about how I felt as a child; the few hurts I can recollect clearly came out of very unremarkable mundane events. The thought that these minor encounters could have such a great effect, makes me think that my kids don't have a chance.
Mair
Posted by pegasus on February 23, 2004, at 14:10:41
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » pegasus, posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:31:41
> I think that the early hospitalization set the stage for my abandonment fears.
>
> I think that it also crystalized the belief that I must have done something bad <snip> But I think that it started for me in the hospital (Why else would they have been sticking needles in my back - punishing me - if I hadn't done something wrong?).
>
> The experience also made me predict that people wouldn't be there for me. <snip> I also tend not to ask people (friends) for help - perhaps because I think that they won't either be able or willing to help. I don't want to hear the rejection, so I don't ask.
>Fallsfall,
Well, the above parts of your post describe me perfectly. I guess I never traced it back to the early hospitalization, but it all rings very true. I do remember feeling punished while I was in the hospital (I was not quite 3). I was there for several weeks, and they wouldn't let me have any blankets or stuffed animals, and no one could touch me (they couldn't reach into the oxygen tent). And I kept asking my mom to hold me, and she wouldn't. Or she just wasn't there. I also remember that they made me wear diapers, which was humiliating.
I am freaked out by the idea of abandonment, but I thought everyone was. I had a pretty rough time with my old T leaving at the end of last year. It felt like my mother was ditching me. Even now, I'm convinced that he doesn't want to hear from me, despite evidence to the contrary. I feel this way about friends, too. I never want to impose on them. My husband thinks this is crazy, as we have very close, supportive friends, and I love to help them, and apparently it's clear to him that they love me. I feel abandoned by family members in various ways. I feel that everything I do is wrong to them.
I'm going to have to mention this to my T. I never really thought about that hospitalization affecting me so strongly, but it is an extremely clear memory for a very young child, and so it must have meant a lot to me at the time.
Now, mentioning this to my parents would be a whole 'nother ball of wax. I'll have to think about that one.
- p
Posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 16:41:18
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » fallsfall, posted by pegasus on February 23, 2004, at 14:10:41
>>I also remember that they made me wear diapers, which was humiliating.
That is one thing that my mother did for me.
My birthday is in March, and I had announced a week before Christmas (when I was 21 months old) that I wanted to use the potty. With 3 kids under 5, my mother was less than thrilled at this prospect just before Christmas. My Grandmother was visiting, and she helped me do the toilet training.
I had Meningitis in January or February of that year. The nurses didn't believe that I was toilet trained (except at night). My mother knew how upset I would be if I had to go back into diapers and she finally convinced them to let me use a little potty. Which they did, and I guess I used it well.
I did thank my mother for fighting for that for me.
I'm sorry that your hospital wasn't flexible for you.
Posted by All Done on February 24, 2004, at 9:47:04
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
> my mom is unaware of emotions - her own and other people's
Mine too.
>and my dad was a workaholic and quite unavailable to me
Mine too except substitute workaholic for alcoholic.
> I talk to them on the phone periodically (once a month?). Usually I talk more with my mother. Recently she asked how I was and I told her that I was having a pretty hard time. Her response was: "Oh, well, how are the kids, then?" Clearly she didn't want to talk about my difficulties.
Isn't this irritating? My mom does the same thing on the phone with everyone. It's like she just needs someone to listen to her and she has absolutely no interest in anything the other person might have to say. My sisters and I have given up. We just say, "uh huh" an awful lot.
> How much do you tell your parents about things that they did when you were little (either purposefully or by accident)? I can't really see the value of telling them how they weren't there for me. But at the same time, I would like them to understand me a little better, and so I would like them to know some of the things that I am learning about myself.
I'm struggling with that right now. Since I've started therapy, I've been thinking quite a bit about my relationship with my mom (go figure) and her personality, in general. I'm also dealing with her mental illness which I pretty much ignored before. Part of me wants to talk to her about all of it and get some of my feelings off of my chest, but the other part of me says it's not worth it. Why should I make her suffer when she probably did the best she could? Then again, I get so mad when I think about the connections between the way she treated me and how that shaped me into who I am today (problems and all). Maybe as I get closer to self-acceptance I won't feel the need to confront her anymore.
I vacilate between feeling the need to tell her exactly what I'm feeling and going through and telling her nothing. In the end, I guess I feel like what's done is done and if I talk to her about the past, I'm not going to get what I want or need from her. Stiring up all of the old stuff probably wouldn't be very productive for our current relationship, which is tenuous at best.
It's a tough call and I understand what you're going through. What are you hoping for by telling them what you are feeling? Do you believe you will get what you need from them if you talk to them?
>I am not *angry* at them
I didn't ever acknowledge my anger until I started therapy. I can feel myself slowly changing and when I admit I'm angry, so much of my ancillary stress disappears. In an odd way, it's refreshing. You should try it :).
I wish you the best, falls.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2004, at 9:56:29
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » fallsfall, posted by All Done on February 24, 2004, at 9:47:04
We have so much in common. I was just talking with my T today about my mother not having any apparent emotions. And my dad is an alcoholic, too. I haven't even considered talking to my parents at this point. I have no hope that it would help. I think for me it would just replay the past, and I'm struggling enough with that as it is.
Take care,
gg
Posted by All Done on February 25, 2004, at 0:29:10
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » All Done, posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2004, at 9:56:29
> We have so much in common. I was just talking with my T today about my mother not having any apparent emotions. And my dad is an alcoholic, too. I haven't even considered talking to my parents at this point. I have no hope that it would help. I think for me it would just replay the past, and I'm struggling enough with that as it is.
>
> Take care,
>
> gg
Hi, gg! You know, I think I've noticed in some other posts that we have similar parents as well.I know what you mean about not wanting to replay the past. Just thinking about my childhood and how I was affected by my parents is all so new to me. I can't imagine rehashing it all with my mom. I would probably just end up yelling at her (or "running to my room" like I did most of my childhood and adolescence) and I don't imagine that would be very effective or worth the additional pain.
My dad passed away a year and a half ago and I think my therapist is concerned because I haven't grieved "enough". So, I end up talking about all of his good qualities and missing him a lot. But I'm starting to wonder how his alcoholism affected me. He was a "happy" drunk and some of our best one on one conversations occurred while he was inebriated. On the other hand, he spent a lot of time away from home or passed out while he was home. I probably need to explore this more fully.
Well, sorry to keep you. I hope you're reading this during a break from your work on your dissertation :). Keep up the good work! I'm impressed and proud of you for working so hard!
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