Posted by DaisyM on February 22, 2004, at 16:24:41
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
I never talk to my dad about how he treated us when I was little and he never brings it up. Except to tell me a few years ago not to get divorced, that I shouldn't put what I want in front of what my kids need. Maybe a learned lesson? I don't know.
I have this push/pull relationship with my mom. I love her dearly and think she is this amazing woman who has broken a million glass ceilings, accomplished tons in a man's world, all while wearing a skirt and heels and of course, her diamonds. She taught me to be a strong woman and I truly believe that she believes I could do ANYTHING - and she would be behind me no matter what. But...she wasn't THERE for me. She was always working. She talks about "quality" time -- but at 12 I was running the whole household, looking after my baby sisters, doing laundry, cooking the meals, even doing the grocery shopping. At the time I was pretty proud of myself and liked how grown up it all was. And even now I know she didn't have too many choices, she had to work, etc. But because she wasn't there emotionally, I can't share my emotional turmoil now. It is really complicated, I tell her I'm unhappy and she says she knows that. The she will tell me how strong I am, how great I am, how capable and how she has taught me to look at the bright side of things. *sigh* No pressure there.
My question, when I think about talking to her about stuff, is whether it will change how she relates to me? Will she ever "get it"? If not, and I don't think she will this late in life, then why go through the drama of trying? Head banging eventually is a self-injurious past time. If I thought she ever would understand and give me the response I wanted/needed, then I might keep trying. Because as I sort all this stuff out, I feel like there is a giant wedge between us. But then I ask myself what a 40-something should want/need from her mommy anyway?
But this I can tell you. I parent completely different than she did. I am around, probably more than they want. And emotionally, I try to talk to them about how things feel, not just about what they did. When my son was in therapy, he processed his sessions with me, which didn't always make me feel good, but it helped me understand him.
I have no idea if I've even come close to answering the question. Maybe I'm too new to the process still. But a wise friend told me that I should stop trying to get emotional support from people who have consistantly failed to provide it. Instead, accept who they are and what they could offer and go find other people for the deep support I needed. That way I wouldn't be sad for what I wasn't getting and I wouldn't be disappointed in them for who they are.
poster:DaisyM
thread:316484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/316567.html