Posted by pegasus on February 22, 2004, at 15:50:39
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Wow, interesting, falls. Both your insights, and your mother's reaction. It sounds very familiar to me.
I've talked about this type of thing with my old T in the past. My mom also takes any mention of a bad thing in my life as some kind of condemnation of her. So, she'll respond, like Karen's mom did, with some kind of statement about how she screwed up. My T would point out that she was taking a conversation that was about something important in my life, and making it about her. So, essentially, the message was that we can't talk about hard things in my life without blaming her. Which I don't. It's a different brand of invalidation.
My T would say that I could say something like, "Mom, I know this must be hard for you to hear. I don't mean to be saying that you did anything wrong, and I'm not trying to make any point about your parenting. I think you were a great mom and I love you. When you say things like that, I find it hard to talk about these important things that I'd like to be able to talk to you about." My T lives in therapist world, where families really talk like that.
Anyway, I was also in the hospital very young (with severe pneumonia - apparently I almost died). I remember being taken from my mother, and put in an oxygen tent. I was alone a lot, as I remember it. It was extremely traumatic, and when I'd ask for my mom, they'd say she couldn't come (apparently my brother was also in the hospital at the same time, and probably she spent a lot of time with him, or at home with my other siblings). So, I'm wondering how your early hospitalization and "abandonment" by your parents affected you. Maybe I have a similar thing going on.
- p
poster:pegasus
thread:316484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/316552.html