Posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
Like many of you, my illness has a physical component (both my dad and my sister have been diagnosed Bi-polar), but it also has an environmental component (my mom is unaware of emotions - her own and other people's, and my dad was a workaholic and quite unavailable to me).
I talk to them on the phone periodically (once a month?). Usually I talk more with my mother. Recently she asked how I was and I told her that I was having a pretty hard time. Her response was: "Oh, well, how are the kids, then?" Clearly she didn't want to talk about my difficulties.
Last night they both called me - I had given them tickets to a local play for Christmas, and they wanted to report that they had gone and enjoyed it. My dad asked how therapy was going. I know that he did want to know. So I told them that recently I had figured out a pattern in my life that started when I went into the hospital just before I turned 2, with Meningitis. I explained to them that this was back in the days when parents were not allowed to stay, and in fact, they refused my mother when she asked to be with me during the (very painful) spinal taps. I told them that they didn't do anything wrong (I needed to be in the hospital and they weren't allowed to stay), but that this was a very traumatic time for me. I didn't tell them details about my pattern, or other times that it has shown up in my life. I told them what I did tell them because I wanted them to know that I was doing real (and difficult) work in therapy and making some progress. My mother's response was (typically): "So, if you didn't have Meningitis, then you wouldn't have any problems?". My father and I both told her that it wasn't quite that simple.
How much do you tell your parents about things that they did when you were little (either purposefully or by accident)? I can't really see the value of telling them how they weren't there for me. But at the same time, I would like them to understand me a little better, and so I would like them to know some of the things that I am learning about myself.
I'm not interested in "blaming" them for anything. Their intentions were always good, they always loved me. I am not *angry* at them for the way they brought me up (but ask again in a year, I think that I ignore my anger a lot).
When is it helpful to let them know what is really going on?
poster:fallsfall
thread:316484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/316484.html