Posted by pegasus on February 23, 2004, at 14:10:41
In reply to Re: What do you tell your parents? » pegasus, posted by fallsfall on February 23, 2004, at 8:31:41
> I think that the early hospitalization set the stage for my abandonment fears.
>
> I think that it also crystalized the belief that I must have done something bad <snip> But I think that it started for me in the hospital (Why else would they have been sticking needles in my back - punishing me - if I hadn't done something wrong?).
>
> The experience also made me predict that people wouldn't be there for me. <snip> I also tend not to ask people (friends) for help - perhaps because I think that they won't either be able or willing to help. I don't want to hear the rejection, so I don't ask.
>Fallsfall,
Well, the above parts of your post describe me perfectly. I guess I never traced it back to the early hospitalization, but it all rings very true. I do remember feeling punished while I was in the hospital (I was not quite 3). I was there for several weeks, and they wouldn't let me have any blankets or stuffed animals, and no one could touch me (they couldn't reach into the oxygen tent). And I kept asking my mom to hold me, and she wouldn't. Or she just wasn't there. I also remember that they made me wear diapers, which was humiliating.
I am freaked out by the idea of abandonment, but I thought everyone was. I had a pretty rough time with my old T leaving at the end of last year. It felt like my mother was ditching me. Even now, I'm convinced that he doesn't want to hear from me, despite evidence to the contrary. I feel this way about friends, too. I never want to impose on them. My husband thinks this is crazy, as we have very close, supportive friends, and I love to help them, and apparently it's clear to him that they love me. I feel abandoned by family members in various ways. I feel that everything I do is wrong to them.
I'm going to have to mention this to my T. I never really thought about that hospitalization affecting me so strongly, but it is an extremely clear memory for a very young child, and so it must have meant a lot to me at the time.
Now, mentioning this to my parents would be a whole 'nother ball of wax. I'll have to think about that one.
- p
poster:pegasus
thread:316484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/316870.html