Posted by All Done on February 24, 2004, at 9:47:04
In reply to What do you tell your parents?, posted by fallsfall on February 22, 2004, at 13:20:09
> my mom is unaware of emotions - her own and other people's
Mine too.
>and my dad was a workaholic and quite unavailable to me
Mine too except substitute workaholic for alcoholic.
> I talk to them on the phone periodically (once a month?). Usually I talk more with my mother. Recently she asked how I was and I told her that I was having a pretty hard time. Her response was: "Oh, well, how are the kids, then?" Clearly she didn't want to talk about my difficulties.
Isn't this irritating? My mom does the same thing on the phone with everyone. It's like she just needs someone to listen to her and she has absolutely no interest in anything the other person might have to say. My sisters and I have given up. We just say, "uh huh" an awful lot.
> How much do you tell your parents about things that they did when you were little (either purposefully or by accident)? I can't really see the value of telling them how they weren't there for me. But at the same time, I would like them to understand me a little better, and so I would like them to know some of the things that I am learning about myself.
I'm struggling with that right now. Since I've started therapy, I've been thinking quite a bit about my relationship with my mom (go figure) and her personality, in general. I'm also dealing with her mental illness which I pretty much ignored before. Part of me wants to talk to her about all of it and get some of my feelings off of my chest, but the other part of me says it's not worth it. Why should I make her suffer when she probably did the best she could? Then again, I get so mad when I think about the connections between the way she treated me and how that shaped me into who I am today (problems and all). Maybe as I get closer to self-acceptance I won't feel the need to confront her anymore.
I vacilate between feeling the need to tell her exactly what I'm feeling and going through and telling her nothing. In the end, I guess I feel like what's done is done and if I talk to her about the past, I'm not going to get what I want or need from her. Stiring up all of the old stuff probably wouldn't be very productive for our current relationship, which is tenuous at best.
It's a tough call and I understand what you're going through. What are you hoping for by telling them what you are feeling? Do you believe you will get what you need from them if you talk to them?
>I am not *angry* at them
I didn't ever acknowledge my anger until I started therapy. I can feel myself slowly changing and when I admit I'm angry, so much of my ancillary stress disappears. In an odd way, it's refreshing. You should try it :).
I wish you the best, falls.
Take care,
All Done
poster:All Done
thread:316484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040218/msgs/317127.html