Posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2008, at 20:09:32
I'v learned to open up more in therapy and there certainly have been times when I've let an easy cry out; not the sobbing kind, but a gentle release when something we discuss really hurts. for me, tears mean progress, and always invite something new to talk about.
I've been having a really difficult time w/my pdoc's orientation. BTW, I often cry during these sessions, which is unusual for me. (My pdoc is very CBT, very strict boundaries) and a lot of painful things have come up that I really haven't been able to handle. Today my T asked me why I wanted to continue w/him.
I receive no comfort or caring from him; no call me if you need me, but he has called back twice when I wanted to clarify something we'd discussed.
I don't contact him outside of therapy anymore because I've never been encouraged to do so. I also haven't been able to write anything signficantly since he called what I wrote "b*llsh*t" when I accused him of something he didn't like. I know it's ridiculous to give him this power over me, but it has stopped my writing in its tracks, which is a huge issue for me.
I deal with the crises he brings forth by discussing them w/my T.
My pdoc is much much focused on my behavior, how to change it and pull myself up by my bootstraps. He's right in many ways and he has been helpful. but now he's making me bleed out emotionally, and I'm questioning his orientation that requires such strict boundaries. When I ask for reassurance, he tells me how great i"m doing (yeah, right; if he would only listen to my truths.) I want him to reassure me he won't abandon me, and he's vested in our relationship. He told me last night that if he was vested in the relationship, the therapy won't work. He's probably right because I would just fall in love w/him.
But only under duress and great apprehension will he admits he 'cares' --never saying he cares about me, specifically, but just that he caresss. He claims to use a variety of orientations, but I don't know. I understand the 5-yr-old girl needs to grow up, but does every realization have to be so painful and cruel? He doesn't see it this way, at all, BTW, he sees it as progress that I respond to present day circumstances, based on the integration with the chid with what I've learned in therapy about dealing effectively with my past. But doesn't the 5-yr-old have to be healed first? I'm so confused. He has always pulled for integration, and at times I agree fully, but hese feelings are so tough, I don't see her leaving anytime soon.
But anyway, my T and I discussed this at length this morning, and she asked what would be the benefit of continuing. I replied that I wanted to work through this issues w/my pdoc so I don't respond this way to male authority figures anymore, that I can truly let the anger and feelings out about my father, which is one of my stated goals with my pdoc.
At the end of our conversation, I said, "I can't come next week" (we had been doing twice a month and then reverted back to weekly because there was too much going on emotinally and one session only allowed us to catch up and not make as much progress as we needed to.) I told her I couldn't come because I couldn't afford it w/losing my job and my insurance pays less that half of what she charges.
She asked if I hadn't gotten the message from my husband when I called to cancel last time because of finances. (My mental health finances are a huge issue with my DH). The message I had received from him, after he spoke with her, was that she said "Don't let the insurance get in the way of you coming."
I guess I wasn't clear on what she had said.
What she had tried to tell me (and my husband hadn't fully conveyed it; a little sabotage going on) was that she would accept whatever my insurance paid until I got back on my feet.
I was stunned by her kindness. "Why would you do that," I asked. "Because I love you," she said and we both cried. "And you are working so hard on your therapy right now that I don't want to interrupt it."
I cried and there were definite tears in her eyes. She hugged me and I left.
I should add that my pdoc has been totally unwilling to cut his outrageous rate. It's just one of his boundaries. He did roll back his 3% 2008 increase for me, and said that he charges me less than new clients. That said, he still costs about twice as much as my T.
So I have free therapy w/my T until I can afford it. What a blessing to have that weight lifted from my shoulders, especially in dealing with financial issues with my DH. He can't resent me going because it isn't costing us anything.
I love her and don't know what I would do w/o her.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm having a lot of trouble in therapy, especially in what my pdoc is bringing forth (transference) about my father. Everything feels so evil, unsafe and even dangerous with him, and he is not the type to offer any type of outside the boundaries support.
Thanks for listening. Just wanted to say there are wonderful Ts out there.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856481.html