Posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 8:16:55
In reply to My T made me really cry today, posted by antigua3 on October 8, 2008, at 20:09:32
I'm sorry, but I have to keep talking about my pdoc.
This week:
1. The previous session, I was angry at him for letting me leave in such a precarious state. I asked him, "How could you let me leave feeling like that?" I felt like I had disintegrated right in front of him, we had gone so deep, and he didn't patch me up before I left (like my T does). And I felt so alone--he didn't say, "Call me, etc." or schedule another appt. I threw it at him that to me, that meant I wasn't important to him, and I meant also that I felt it was irresponsible of him (didn't have the guts to say that, though).He replied, "You didn't disintegrate, you're here today." He meant it in a positive way that I had used my own resources to survive, and had learned, again, that I can do it.
I told him that it was dangerous for me to be left that way. He questioned what "dangerous" meant and we discussed the rational part of wanting to die vs. the irrational, which he said I was experiencing. I said it wasn't the rational I was worried about; it was the irrational, impulsive actions I take. It's like what do I have to do to get his attention? What did I have to do to get my father's attention?
I told him he was minimizing my feelings and he respected that.
2. I told him that a few days earlier I had been really angry at him for how he'd left me (like the way my father left me in a disgusting mess after his visits, I see today). While I was ruminating over being so angry w/him, POOF, it came to me that I wasn't angry at him, I was angry at my father.
He thought this was incredible insight. Told him they're a dime a dozen. But it did stop me from going in "in attack mode." But I didn't know how much of my reaction was in response to my father and the actual truth of how he had treated me. I have a very hard time with this--delineating between what is real about him and his approach and the tangled web of what it brings up. So this is why I questioned his approach.
He says we have a cycle to our therapy where I open up, come back on the attack and we work through the rupture. I didn't want him to perceive me as coming in on the attack because I'd made the connection w/my father, but these were important things that needed to be discussed. How I respond to male authority figures, and when it's appropriate to stand up to them and not react on the past. I think maybe that it was just a more sophisticated form of attack. He said it was good because I hadn't exploded in emotion w/him, we were talking rationally. But that's what I need to do, I cried, and he seemed surprised. He made it sound like I respond this way IRL, exploding that is, and I told him, No, I never, ever do that. I can explode w/my DH, but I never yell at my children. Im not even impatient with store clerks anymore! He told me it must be hard to hold that anger, and I said yes, I stuff it down.
So, I don't know if he got it or not, but he seemed surprised, even though I've discussed the need to get this out forever. He thinks it should be let out slowly, like a leaking faucet, and maybe he's right. "Explosion" is all I know w/men.
3. I explained that my experience of therapy was that it was circle, with both the T and the patient inside those strong outside boundaries; nothing can penetrate those boundaries. The unconditional aspect of it to me is that Im safe w/in those boundaries. W/him, I said I feel like hes a self-contained unit w/in that circle (that I cannot penetrate, nor will he let me; the self-containdness represents his boundaries) and that there is a hole in that circle where things can fall out that I have to deal w/on my own. I feel like I have no safety net w/him. He said the hole is good because I have to break that circle to continue making progress. Thats when he made the comment that it was like a rebirth. It was interesting, and I can see his point of view, that I am the one who has to learn how to handle the break in the circle so that I can survive better IRL. In some ways, it was a swipe at my therapy w/my T, but I understood it and recognized the value.
But is it too much? Im the only one who knows that answer, I recognize that, and thats why I discuss this w/my T. In my mind, has this turned to abuse? And retraumatization? Am I on the right track?
4. He said something interesting at the end. I noticed he was trying to tie the session up all nicely so I wouldnt leave like I had last time. But that made me mad; it was too obvious. (As he says, its a Catch-22 for him; he cant say anything nice because I mock him. I said, how can you feel like Ive mocked you when you say that we have no relationship? Youve said again and again that our therapy has nothing to do w/our relationship, because in fact we do not have a relationship according to him. He is simply driving the bus).
As I was leaving, he mentioned he would be away for a while, but back for our next session. (I like the guy who is covering for him and often wondered when I had the choice to go with either man, I chose the wrong one.) I spat at him, why are you even telling me youre going to be gone? It makes no difference. And you know what he said? Well, in case you wanted to leave me some words on my voice mail He used the exact word words, not tell me something, etc.
So, he tried and I rejected him. He had asked me what I wanted that I wasnt getting and I had made it clear that I wanted psychological comfort. He said that was a broad term and could I be more specific. I said, Reassurance. But then he defined the term differentlyhe defined it as support, and tried to tell me how great I was doing, etc. I guess I sort of lied. I wanted reassurance that he wasnt going to abandon me, and that he cared.
So sorry for being so long, but Im in such a struggle,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856557.html