Posted by Nadezda on October 9, 2008, at 10:10:34
In reply to More (long) **Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 8:16:55
Antigua,
I know you've had these feelings about your pdoc for a long time. There's something tying you to him and, in a way, I don't want to question that, because it's hard to evaluate or know what's really going on emotionally with a relationship.
I get the feeling that you do go to him because he treats you like your father did-- in a symbolic way-- and you had some need to reexperience that. Is it really helpful though? Do you believe you couldn't reexperience the emotions of your relationship with your father with someone who's more overtly caring (not through saying, I care-- but acting in a way that says I care-- in many spoken and unspoken ways)? I do wonder if you aren't replaying some type of trauma of your mistreatment by your father, and wish for a good mother who will make it better and take care of you. It feels as if a pdoc who had boundaries, but less strict ones, or who was able to say, I'm invested-- but the boundaries are important--and who gave you enough to hold you between meetings-- would be a positive force.
You defend your pdoc-- but is it truly a constructive relationship, or, rather, one that meets the need to remain connected to an unhelpful or even hurtful father? Someone with whom you could experience angry feelings while repairing the anger, not simply repeating it? Is it truly the most useful thing to go through this with your pdoc and have to have your T pick up the pieces? It's not that I don't think this issues you address with him are important-- but let me just ask: do you feel that you're making progress with *him*-- through him-- ? or only because he evokes the angry and hurt feelings-- which then are taken to your T, who helps you contain them?
I think that moment when you say "he tried and I rejected him" is also part of the cycle with him. I feel as if, even if he hasn't said that per se-- you've been though this-- where you feel that somehow there's a small chance for things to change, and you cling to that,, and blame yourself because you didn't grasp this fleeting hope-- But I question whether there was a solid chance there, or only a chimera that appears and disappears in a way that only keeps you hooked in.
So I do have to really wonder if you are on the right track with him. I get the feeling that you wonder that a lot-- but maybe without really taking it quite seriously enough.
But it's wonderful-- very-- that your T is so dedicated and loving, and that you find the sort of warmth and caring, and softness that you need. I'm touched to hear that--because it shows how deep the commitment is, and how meaningful the work is to her, as well as you, and that's a beautiful thing.
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856569.html