Posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 17:15:25
In reply to More (long) **Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 8:16:55
Wow, this is so painful and hurtful. I spent the day hiding in bed, which I havent done in months.
I appreciate everyones replies. They were honest and insightful, and what I asked foran outsiders opinion of my therapy w/my pdoc. While everything Ive written is just from my perspective, I thats all that counts.
I have been seeing my pdoc for therapy for about a year (for meds a total of three or four years). Hes the one who suggested we pursue therapy, and I agreed.
I am embarrassed, no, ashamed to admit that since beginning therapy w/him, I now realize that I have been running to mommy to tell on daddy. I never had that as a kid. But Im not sure its helpful, because it doesnt mirror what was actually going on. Its time to stop.
It has been suggested to me by other people and professionals that Ive been in therapy w/my T for too long, that Ive gone as far as I can with her, and that Im afraid to leave the nest. Its true, and its time to grow up.
My pdoc can never give me what I want due to his orientation and the limitations of his own capabilities. You cant force someone to care about you, although in many respects I think he does. I want him to provide me with the same cocoon my T provides, and that is not possible.
While I am desperate to find out what the fear and terror is that lurks underneath me every day, one that keeps my hypervigilant and makes me jumpy at the sound of even the slightest noise. I live my live clenched always, waiting, not relaxing unless it is by medication, which is not something I want to continue to do for the rest of my life.
I cant make the terror come forth; its humanely impossible. Ive tried every way I know how and Im going to have to live with my not knowing.
I will never, EVER enter therapy with another T, especially a male, because I dont want to fall in love and be consumed by feelings of transference. Its too painful, and I simply dont have the time. I need to be concentrating on my life, instead of my therapy.
So the question has been asked many times here: When is it enough? Heres my answer. This is enough. Ive been through the blender too many times, chopped into tiny pieces, pierced and pulled, and still dont have the answer I seek, or the relief from the underlying terror I live with every day.
The last question is to resolve the writing. Hopefully, I can find a way to do that.
Thanks again everyone,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856634.html