Posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 23:16:34
In reply to Re: Thank you everyone » antigua3, posted by Nadezda on October 9, 2008, at 22:26:12
I'm sorry I didn't respond to you personally on your earlier post; I really wasn't quite sure what to say.
This time, I do:>
> But I wonder if you aren't punishing yourself now-- perhaps for telling on your father, if that is part of what's going on-- or in the belief that you "set yourself up" for this retraumatization with your pdoc.>>It doesn't feel like I'm punishing myself for telling on my father at all; that all feels pretty inconsequential at this point because i've received support from my T (and I just realized today that I have been doing this)
>>and I did not set myself up for being retraumatized. I know that I can get very angry with myself when I find I'm in this situation again, but I don't feel that way right now. It's not my fault. Wow, just like the abuse wasn't my fault. That thought just occurred to me as I was writing.
>>No, this not working out w/my pdoc is just a mismatch. And I tried really hard to make it fit, but it doesn't, and it isn't my fault and I don't think it is his either. I think he found me as a challenge and often didn't know quite what to do w/me.
>I don't know what this situation means, but it's not worth acting abruptly and sending yourself into further turmoil.
>>>I'm not looking for any more turmoil; I'm looking for peace, of accepting the world as it is,as I am, and to quit struggling against the tide. I'm tired of trying; I'm worn out.
> You really don't need to take any action. In the midst of a storm of feelings-- hurt, anger, self-blame and the rest-- is not a time to change things radically. It's a time to start to look at what's happened, at what you feel about it, at why it might have happened-- and then, over time, to come to the right decision.
>>Oh, but it could be the best time to make the changes, to silence the questions, the innuendos, the unknowns, the chattering in my head, even, to find peace. The peace of mind when it's naturally quiet. The rest of what you suggest requires too much. I can't do it anymore; I don't have the energy anymore; I don't have the fight w/in me.
I'm probably as good as I'm ever going to get, and that will have to be fine enough.
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> You certainly need your T;, and you may need this pdoc for a while, because you have in a very intense connection of some kind-- even if it's not good for you.
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> But I dont' think he has the temperament or the right approach for you-- not only as an individual-- but as someone who has very different issues-- and age-- from his usual patients.
>>>Interesting points to consider.
> If anything I would stay within the framework that you've created for yourself, where you're working with a T who cares about you a great deal, and, until you;re more comfortable and sure about ending it, with a pdoc who also cares, but may not be able to give what you need.
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> Whatever changes you need to make can't be make precipitously and and, to be in your best interests, should be prepared for, and shouldn't cause you so much pain.
>
>>With all due respect, I don't agree. I don't want to drag this out. If I speak w/either of them, they will make me talk, and will talk me out of this.It's not fair to my T because I can't afford to pay her now, despite her kindness. Maybe I just don't want to be put into that position. It has been time to go for a long time.
I will meet w/my pdoc and explain. He isn't vested in this, so I will suffer the pain, but he'll be able to fill my spot quickly. Being able to resolve the writing issue may prove more cumbersome. I'll have to think on that before I see him. It's over though; I've had enough.
Thank you so much for making me think,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856688.html