Posted by rskontos on October 9, 2008, at 13:38:42
In reply to More (long) **Trigger**, posted by antigua3 on October 9, 2008, at 8:16:55
Antigua,
I really can relate in way to your posts about your p-doc. Now for me my p-doc is also my therapists. But I have to tell you, my p-doc did for me what your T did for you. I was having anxiety about paying for therapy with him being out of network and then in May, I had used what little they did pay. I told him I just couldn't come anymore until it kicked back in. He said, like your T, don't let that get in the way of progress. I did not assume that meant free, I wasn't sure. Two sessions went by and I told him I was struggling to pay his may or june bill and would have to do it in payments. He said, how about we just forget about it for now? I too said, why would you do that? My own father would not help me like this. He said because I was worth it and he felt like his time was well spent in helping me. If he had enough time and consistency he felt he could help me tremendously. It took me three sessions and a great deal of thinking to process this and what it meant.
Now my p-doc and I don't talk about personal stuff unless I bring it up. He isn't exactly warm and fuzzy but he isn't cold either. I feel like he probably knows too much talk about feelings from him would be a real touchy thing for me. Your p-doc sounds somewhat like mine. Mine has called me on my perceptions at times. He pushes sometimes and doesn't sometimes. I don't know it works because my parents both were lousy parents. I had a bad childhood. My flashbacks are coming back and I am scared of them. He knows. He helps me acknowledge my feelings which for me is a bigger. Somehow he knows just enough to be real to me, too much and I will run. He says to me, that I will probably try to run from him again. It is to be expected as more comes out to the surface.
So I understand a p-doc's frame of reference. I believe for me it helps me more. Now maybe yours is something that is too hard on you. But these feelings, do you think they need to come out. The things he gets out of you, are they necessary deep down to your well-being. You should have a gut instinct regarding that.
My p-doc too has left me in a precarious state. I have cried afterwards and be in dissociative states after leaving him. So he now tries hard not to do that.
From my point of view, you too do seem to have a relationship that is working on some level. I mean at least you do tell him what he is doing that upsets you, how his treatment makes you feel and how sometimes his behavior relates or makes you feel like your father did. Isn't that what therapy is about uncovering what is holding you back and helping you work through it?
I do understand how you want reassurance from him. It is a different relationship, working relationship than your t. One that is less nurturing it would seem but maybe the two are working in sync to help you get to this deeper place.
Have you thought about it becoming more abusive prior to your T questioning of the relationship or did she initiate this questioning? To me that is important. If you have been wondering prior to her thoughts, then is it vital you tell him how you feel. That you are wondering if this isn't trauma all over again.
I did this with my p-doc. I told him I thought this was retraumatizing. We worked it out. Maybe you need to really get that out to your p-doc and see how he deals with that information.
I just wanted to present a case for some good p-docs like mine that although he has high fees too, he is treating me right now for free and has been since May. I am still amazed. It is hard to wrap my mind around it actually.
Good luck, Antigua.
I know this is a struggle and a difficult one. One part of me thinks you have really gotten to a deeper part that is necessary. I feel I have to get further into a place I don't want to go but I know I need to. But it sounds like you are hurting and you need to discover if you have gone too far or not.
(((((((((((((Antigua)))))))))) I am sorry this is so long. I trust you can just tune me out if I don't make sense. And I hope I was too intrusive myself in my opinions.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:856481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856594.html