Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2006, at 17:44:40
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me? » JenStar, posted by cricket on January 25, 2006, at 15:04:17
> The parties... The baseball games... The stupid television shows...
I wouldn't do any of that crap either. I would rather go for a walk in the park, go see a film, go to the theatre, or a museum, or art gallery, read a book. Have conversations about those kinds of things.
Do you guys have anything in common?
>> And so maybe... You don't think that any other kind of relationship would be possible for you.
> Yeah I guess not. :-(
I think that will change in time. I do. But it won't be a change that anyone forces upon you. I think it will probably come as a growing realisation that you want more. In terms of an emotional connection with someone. In terms of a trusting relationship. Right now you probably don't think that that would ever be possible for you. That someone could really like and respect you for you. For your caring, gentle nature; for your interest in writing and stuff like that. But one day... As you start to have more liking and respect for yourself you might well start feeling a longing for something more. For someone to really connect with. Like how you are having friendships and connections on the boards and stuff. The same kind of thing but even deeper. Maybe... But I think it will take time.
> I guess what I hope will happen is that as I get better I will be able to find friendships that can offer me connections and interactions.
Yep.
> It's a bit hard even to imagine now though. Sex is the only way I know.But you are learning other ways. And thats going well :-) I guess I think of a relationship (like a marriage or whatever) as being... A deeper friendship. Kind of evolving out of that. But I know what you mean about sex. I went through that too. But then I started to realise that... I felt used a fair bit. And I don't want to do it that way anymore. Even if that means that I never end up with someone. Friendships are great :-) And as for anything more... Well... That can be a mixed blessing and maybe it will happen one day and maybe it won't.
> I guess that explains how I got into this relationship in the first place.
Yeah. Because you guys don't really have anything in common...
> I have all these horrifying statistics at work on AID/HIVS in various countries...
Er yeah, that was what I was getting at. I didn't want to say it in case I freaked you out but yeah. At the very least you are the mother of his child and your health is very important to him and his child given that you are financing his lifestyle etc...
> It is cultural for one thing. In some latin cultures, it is pretty much accepted that a man will have dual wives so to speak. One that bears the name and is sort of the official wife (that's me I guess - although I am the third in a series) and then there's the good time girlfriend. Both women usually bear his children. In old times, both women would be supported financially by the man. This is the way my husband was raised, this is the way his brothers, brothers-in-law live.
Yep. But he isn't financially supporting either you or his girlfriends. You are. So... Times are changing. But that being said... I think I do understand what you are saying. I mean... I think you have said that the financial thing is hard for him... Because of the tradition. I think someone else posted a while back (maybe on social) about her husband having a girlfriend and about how she didn't mind so long as he saved some loving for her. And lots of people do live like that. And they seem to be happy enough. And I think other people should be careful not to judge that. But when I think of you working so very hard to financially support him... And he spends money on his girlfriends no doubt, and takes them on holiday... Well when do you get to go on holiday? Either with him or by yourself? And I'm just worried about you I guess. That sometimes you feel like you are just slogging through life... And for what? And then thinking about... How maybe your son will grow up with a similar view on acceptable ways of treating / relating to women. I don't know...
> I definitely don't have boyfriends, and no that would not be permitted at all.What would he do about that?
> What am I getting from this marriage?
> Sex sometimes.
> Kind words.
> A caring, affectionate touch sometimes.I think you could get that from a lot of people... And people who would be prepared to invest as much into the relationship as you are. But I guess it will take time for you to come to really believe that. That you deserve more.
(((((Cricket)))))
poster:alexandra_k
thread:602095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/602760.html