Posted by sunny10 on June 21, 2005, at 7:51:44
In reply to Sorry (very long) » sunny10, posted by Damos on June 20, 2005, at 18:18:39
I can see myself in everything you wrote. How old are you? I'm wondering because my cycles used to be 5-7 years apart, too. I think we are so alike that it's a little scary sometimes.
We even react the same way (nausea and vomiting- gee, do you have irritable bowel syndrome, too?) to the stresses of wanting to help someone we love and knowing that it will be too hard on us to do so because they will hurt us while we are helping them.
There really is no need for the lists in my case. It is quite pathetic, but I know WHY I am the way I am. I just can't seem to learn to think differently with all of the knowledge that I HAVE actually proven myself to not be worthless. I cannot seem to mesh logical thinking with emotional thinking. I know this is the problem. I know that I have not forgiven my mother for her harsh treatment of me. I have not been able to forgive myself for putting up with that harsh treatment. And I know that I have incorporated my harsh mother as my inner critic. I just don't know how to get rid of this baggage. I've been to four or five different T's. They have all given me the attitude of "just do it. You know what the issues are, so just get over it and teach yourself to think differently." As if I have the tools necessary to be able to do such things. No one has taken the time to actually teach me HOW. If I could "just do it", I would have been "cured" long ago- at least in terms of the nurture side of depression. And I think that I wouldn't have to rely on brain chemicals as much if I didn't get so upset over things to begin with- no shortage of serotonin or dopamine (or faulty receptors- as they are not sure which is the answer) if I didn't have to use so much of them to be stable. So maybe the nature side of depression would be "cured", too.
I have not spoken to my mother in twenty years. I have found that it is impossible to forgive someone who refuses to admit to any wrongdoings.
And it is wrong to let your child know since birth how unwanted they were. How their godmother saved their life by stopping the mother from going through with an abortion. For letting them know that they are despised for being the reason that a fiance ran away when the man found out the mother was pregnant. That it is the child's fault that the mother is alone and sad- just by being alive. No grade could ever be good enough. No activity could ever be quiet enough to allow the child to go unnoticed and unberated. Hugs and kisses only happened in front of others- never in the home. The child learned to pretend everything was normal in public while everything was in tatters inside.
My mother understands now that she suffers from depression. I know because she sent a book about depression to me (as a Christmas gift) through my aunt and cousin one year saying that it helped her. The premise of the whole book was to forget the past and move on as if it never happened. That is what she has decided to do. Which would be fine except that her depression destroyed the lives of two children (and the third, my brother, is so guarded that his wife has a hard time getting in- so you could say three children).
Even in AA and NA, you have to make amends to those you've harmed during your "sick days".
I know I'm supposed to decide not to care whether I ever have her approval or her request for forgiveness. I know that I cannot "change" another person, nor should I wait around for them to change on their own. I can, logically, not care. I've logically not cared for twenty years. But I know that my inferences are those of a wounded little girl. I know that every "mean-sounding" comment is my father not sticking around to ever know me; is my mother berating me and never loving me. It just evolved into every man that ever hurt me, et cetera. But I know where it starts.
I just can't seem to make it stop.
poster:sunny10
thread:513088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/516499.html