Posted by Damos on June 20, 2005, at 18:18:39
In reply to Re: It sounds (long) » Damos, posted by sunny10 on June 20, 2005, at 8:26:43
Sunny I'm really sorry if I made it sound as though I thought it was simple. It's not, it's so far from simple it's impossible to imagine. It's also impossible for me to imagine what you're going through right now.
In my case the person I had to ease out of my life was the woman I lost a child with. The person to this day who knows me better than anyone. Who I loved and still love more than I can say. But I had no choice. It took me 20 years to do it but I did eventually. How much does this person effect me? Well she called last Thursday out of the blue after 6 mths of complete silence. We spoke for over an hour and she in effect asked me to do my "all the king's horses and all the king's men" act on her life again, and then I spent the rest of the day throwing up and crying pretty regularly from the stress and tension that it caused. She never harmed me physically but did an awful lot of emotional damage. Like you I never knew what was true or not and also knew that I had been lied to and manipulated. I could never get 'balanced' as long as this person was around (obviously still can't). The messages were always so mixed up and then my mental state just spun them all out of control. I also used to hear about everything she did after it had happened, after I had sat at home all weekend wondering why I hadn't heard from her. Emotional and spiritual safety is as important to people like us as physical safety.
Believe me Sunny I kinda have a sense for where you are right now. I feel more insecure than I ever have and emptier than I have for a very long time and I too can see the cycles of my major episodes shortening and it scares the hell out of me. Used to be 5-7 years and is now around 3. Again I'm just hoping this one is more situational than the others and will pass - eventually.
Sunny I cannot and will not judge you for wanting to be with your SO, or judge him. I can only speak my truth and try to help and support you however I can.
Your comments about You being the person you trust least rang true for me too. If I could be rid of me most of my troubles would've been over long ago. Alex actually said to me yesterday that I had the lowest self esteem of anyone she knew, so I can identify with what you said about yourself.
Three questions:
Are you competent? Yes, you've survived all that has happened to you. Yes, you manage to hold down a job. Yes, you have raised a child. Yes, you responded to the 'holiday incident' so remarkably and got yourself sorted. Yes, you are questioning your own thinking and actions because you believe they are not as effective as they could be. Yes, because you take responsibility for your own life.
Are you a good person? Yes, no matter what you are going through you reach out to people here and do everything you can to help and support them. Yes, because you are kind and caring. Yes, because I don't believe you ever mean to hurt anyone. Yes, because I believe there is so much that is good about you that I don't get to see - I can feel it.
Are you worthy of love? Yes! More than you know or will probably ever accept. Yes!
A lot of what I hear you expressing sound like identity issues and given what I understand about your life that makes perfect sense. The questions above are identity questions. When we doubt our own identity we start to interpret everything that happens in relation to our identity. I still struggle with this badly. I loose sight of my identity issues and then use 'all-or-nothing' thinking. The call I spoke about above is a classic example and the after effects are what I describe as an identity quake.
So where do you start unravelling the anxiety and fearfulness around this? Okay, first you need to start looking for patterns in what tends to knock you off balance in conversation and social situations. Second, you need to look at what about your identity feels at risk here. what it means to you. How would it feel if what you fear were true. This is tough make no mistake and raises some ugly questions and might be something you want to do with your T as they are way more capable of helping you through this than me. For me there were answers like: What if they reject me, What if they laugh, etc.
The next bit's just as tough. Once you've identified the identity triggers you need to 'complexify' your self-image. That means moving away from "I am perfect" and "I am worthless", because they are false choices and getting a clearer picture of what is actually true about you. Like the rest of us your true picture is a complex mix of good and bad, wise and unwise, etc, etc. Nobody is absolutely perfect or totally worthless (well, except me). You are never always anything - except Sunny. by making your image more complex it allows you to feel good about many things and also ambivalent or regretful about others because life is too complex for any reasonable person to feel otherwise. Well that's the theory anyway.
I remember a story about a martial arts master and his student. The student said: "Master, you never loose your balance." The Master replied: "I loose my balance often, my skill lies in my ability to regain it."
Do your friends act weird around you. I reckon there's a pretty good chance they do, because they don't know how to act right now and are probably afraid of how every word and action is going to be taken and interpreted but are afraid to say they are afraid and unsure because they're afraid of upsetting or worrying you. So the answer to your question is both.
The way I started identifying what was going on in my head was using a sheet of paper with a line drawn down the middle to record the left and right hand conversations. The left hand column was what was said, done, actually happened, and the right hand side was what I was actually thinking at the time. I'll repeat it again. I still have real trouble maintaining any sort of identity for any length of time, but I am better at identifying why I'm thinking the way I am.
I so want to help you get through this Sunny and I really hope your SO is the one and that things do start getting better for you real soon. Lord knows you've been through enough for several lifetimes.
poster:Damos
thread:513088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/516172.html