Posted by sunny10 on June 20, 2005, at 8:26:43
In reply to Re: When you suffer from depression, how do you know, posted by Damos on June 19, 2005, at 17:48:32
like you are assuming that my inferences can be trusted.
The issue here is that I'm really not sure if they should be trusted.
I am safe. At least from without. Within me is a vast river of chaos and confusion. I know that I am more insecure right now than I have ever been. And I fear that I am being overly vigilant- assuming people are going to hurt me before they ever do. Assuming that people are lying to me. But the truth is, I still cannot remember anything for those two days. I do not know what was said to me, do not know what I said to anyone. It feels kind of like that black hole is growing instead of shrinking in my mind.
My SO talked to me on Saturday night about this stuff, finally. He said that he is still "in this room talking with you like this" because he loves me and still wants a future with me. He agreed with my fear that he would use this suicide attempt to leave me; he said it crossed his mind, but that he realized two things. One is that he loves me and would hate himself for not giving us another chance. And two, he understands that when I am in the depths of depression that I am really not myself. He agrees that I should stay on the meds now- that he understands, in the past, my depressive episodes only struck about every seven years but now they are coming faster and I need the meds to keep them at bay. He said that he is a little afraid to trust in the future, but he now understands how difficult it is for me to believe him sometimes because he lied to me in the past. That we each have to deal with these issues now. When I looked puzzled at the comparison, he said that he didn't distrust ME, he mistrusted the depression and wanted me to promise him that I would stay on the meds. But the suicide attempt did scare him, he said. He also said that although he was already ashamed with himself for letting an argument turn physical, he was really shook up when he thought I might die. He said he realized that he didn't want to live without me and that if he had actually physically hurt me instead of scaring me to death, he would never be able to forgive himself. But that he is still ashamed of scaring me.
He also said that he strongly believes that since we made it through all of this crap, nothing can tear us apart. That we've managed to learn more about each other in two years than most people learn about each other in ten years. That we have a great future ahead of us. That I need to relax and just "be", so that the future can happen. And that he just wanted to be sure that I still wanted the same things.
The only time I interrupted him is when he said that he was glad that I've decided to let him decide when he'll stop using coke. Because he said, "I want to be able to tell you that I went to the casinos with the guys last Friday night and we had some coke". I stopped him and said that I would prefer to know before he went off to the casinos, rather than after. I told him that I would feel more comfortable if I knew what he was doing with his buddies because I AM very insecure rght now. I don't want to be sitting at home alone wondering what he is doing all the time. I told him that he is lucky that all of my friends are married with children (or in one case not married with child!), because he KNOWS that I am not out at strip clubs, or dating other people, or putting myself in any danger (drinking and driving, for instance). I don't have any of these assurances at all. He has single and unhappily married buddies along with happily married friends. And those buddies are always looking to "get some" or just plain "get drunk and stoned". So I DO have things to worry about. And he agreed that I would know that he was GOING, ahead of time, but that even he wouldn't know ahead of time if he was going to decide to use or continue to say no.
He told me that I have to trust him. That he may get drunk, and he may do some drugs "socially", but he is not interested in other women. That he knows how lucky he is to have me. That he simply doesn't even have the time or energy to cheat on me, anyway. But this is the spot that is tricky for me, inference-wise. Because almost all men I have been involved with have cheated on me. And because he HAS lied to me in the past. And he admits this, and he reluctantly had to agree that he is going to have to put up with my doubts and insecurities because he caused them himself by lying to me before, about drugs. He says that he understands that I am not just worried about him lying about drugs, but that it colors everything he says. He wants me to give him a second (or third, he said) chance. He is giving me a second chance to keep taking my meds and stop scaring him to death, he said. I said that I, too, was in the room still talking with him because I was giving him a second chance.
He apparently has done some reading, because he even asked "if the drugs stop working for you, are there any clues I should look for to make sure this doesn't happen again?". I told him that I get extremely anxious about everything and paranoid, too. Plus, I can only see the negative side of things, 'cause that's what the disease does. Of course, I had to explain to him that in this case, he couldn't have seen it coming because there actually WERE things for me to be anxious and paranoid about, and that my dad just died, and we just went through a merger at work... This time was more situational stressors bringing on the depression, rather than the chemicals simply malfuntioning in my brain. But the end result is the same, be it nurture or nature. My brain is simply not equipped to deal with that many stressors at once without medications anymore, I've found out.
So, you see, it's not as simple as just cutting people out of my life as you posted. In order to cut out the person I MOST distrust, well, I'd have to cut out ME.
I distrust myself the most. I think that I am worhtless, in the end, which is why I am so insecure in love relationships. I think that every other woman is better than me. I think that the man I love will ultimately discover that I am a fraud. A person pretending to be as good as everyone else. And in the end, my paranoia usually chases them away, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I no longer want to be right about this, though. I want to believe that I am the perfect woman for him. In the past, I was so afraid of being hurt by someone else, that I wound up hurting myself instead- by chasing them away. But I was always "right"- they were going to leave me.
I don't want to be right. I don't want to lose him. He understands me better than anyone else. He knows what I am thinking now. And although it often makes him mad that I am having a hard time trusting him, he knows that I have a valid reason- one that he is ashamed of. And he knows that he has to deal with it because he caused it.
And the weirdness with my other friends? It is still there. But I am so overcome with embarrassment and shame for succumbing to my "Mr. Hyde", that it is hard for me to tell whether they are uncomfortable around me because of what happened, or are they just reacting to how I act and sound because of my own shame. Yes, they ARE acting strangely, and I am afraid they are not being completely honest with me. But is it because of THEIR feelings, or mine?
You see, it's not quite so simple...
poster:sunny10
thread:513088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/515909.html