Posted by DAisym on December 2, 2008, at 20:35:02
Why is it that one little sentence can cause so much angst? Especially when you know that you are creating so much more to the words than was intended?
In therapy, we've been talking about what Holidays were like when I was a kid and what I wished had been different. Last Wednesday, I asked what my therapist would have done if he'd known what was happening. This is not a new question, I've asked this before. He said, "I would have reported it and made sure your dad was taken out of the home." I pushed it further - "what would happen to ME?" I really wanted to know. How would it have been to be the girl that the neighbors talked about and the other kids whispered things to? I can't imagine it being better than keeping the secret. My therapist said, "you would have needed therapy - to work through all the trauma. Maybe your whole family would have gone to therapy." I tried to work this out in my head several ways but I kept hearing, "therapy with someone else." Now, this is completely irrational, because it was 30 years ago, of course it would have to be with someone else.
I grew very quiet and he guessed that he'd said the wrong thing. So he said, "was that not what you were hoping? Did you want me to stop your dad myself?" This surprised me, because no - never. I would not want the two of them to ever meet. But I did say that it would be hard to be left like that. Time was up and I felt upset and sent away. He tried hard to make a connection before I left and we ended up trading phone messages later. It was a long 4 days.
Yesterday he brought it up, at the very end of the session. He asked me what I'd wanted from him - what did the 8-year old me wish he'd done for her? The answer just popped out - "I wanted you to take me out of there...I wanted you to take me...home." There were tears all over the place. He nodded and said, "yes, you wanted me to put you with a safe family, where no one would hurt you." Gasp. Nope. Not another family - home, with you. Tears dried up. In my best pull-it-together voice I said, "well, nothing can change all that now" and I left. And cried and cried in my car. It was just awful.Today he brought it up again. "You left really upset." It took me the nearly the whole session to get the words out - to apologize for making a wish that was clearly not OK. He said all wishes are OK to have, he just can't always fulfill them. But I think asking that, even from a very young part of me, was wrong. It is wrong to want a different family. And it is wrong to just leave everyone else behind and not take care of things. But mostly it was wrong to want my therapist to rescue me. Not his job. And I'm not even sure he gets what was upsetting and I just can't explain it to him. It is stupid to feel sent away around something that never even happened. I know I should have said more, but my pride gets in the way, or perhaps I don't want to be really wounded again.
He rarely misses. He missed this time.
poster:DAisym
thread:866338
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866338.html