Posted by crushedout on February 28, 2004, at 1:35:43
In reply to More questions » crushedout, posted by Elle2021 on February 28, 2004, at 0:53:23
really good questions, elle.
> > i even told her in the email where i told her i did it, that i felt like i was being manipulative
>
> Usually when we are manipulative we are trying to gain something or trying to get the other person to do something we want, that they don't necessarily feel comfortable giving or doing for us. If you think you were being manipulative, what do you think you wanted from her? Just attention, or something more?well, i really wasn't sure what i was trying to get. i even told her this in the email. i said it felt manipulative but i wasn't even sure what i was trying to get. i asked aloud, "nurturing? guilt?" but honestly didn't know. probably both of those things and maybe others, too. i think i probably partly wanted her to get angry at me. i wanted the negative attention. i'm not sure. i even told her when i saw her that part of me maybe wanted her to terminate me, because that would be somewhat of a relief. (btw, elle, have you been following all the drama i've been going through with my t lately? i was just assuming you had, but that's a silly assumption.) i also realized afterwards that part of me might have done it to get some kind of closure, to make it clearer to myself that nothing would ever happen between us (me and my t -- this assumes you know about my recent history with her -- if not, i'll have to fill you in) because i would have creeped her out or just appeared so f'ed up and immature that she would definitely never want to be my lover. or maybe even my friend for that matter.
> > well, i was talking about liking her being mad at me, i think.
>
> Because she was more attentive to you?not *more* attentive really, but i think the anger showed me she cared maybe. also i found it sort of arousing. that sounds weird.
> >it's more seeing the blood, i guess.
>
> Does seeing the blood make you feel like you are draining some of the "bad" part of you out?i dunno. i don't think so. i think it's like a pretty picture on my skin. i drew on myself tonight: a flower and a sun. i colored the flower in. it makes me happy to look at it. i got the same feeling when i looked at my t's initials after i carved them into my arm. that was one of the things she kept pressing me for an answer for: what about looking at the flower, the initials, the original accidental burn in the shape of a heart, gave me pleasure? i couldn't explain it. it just does. i can't explain it.
> >i've only done it three times now but each time i was in pain, and i did it to calm myself, to feel numb --
>
> When you say you do it to feel numb, it makes me think you are doing it to distract yourself from what's really bothering you. So I guess the thing you have to get at here, is *what's bothering you?*wanting so much to be my t's lover/child/mother/friend and knowing i can't be. that's clear as can be. and yes, i do it to distract myself from the pain that causes me, which is pretty unbearable at times.
> Also, I really think there is hope for you since you have only done it three times.thanks. but i think there is hope for you, and others, too. it just may be a little easier for me.
i'm glad you found the chart useful.
> > yeah, i guess that was the idea. and also to avoid falling into a deep depression. i'm already on some meds but a very low dose.
>
> Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I'm starting it, and I think it seems to be helping me.no, i haven't tried it. do you only do it for the si stuff, or other stuff, too? do you do other kinds of therapy? i don't entirely know what it is, except that i know it doesn't appeal to me (that sounds so closed-minded).
> > i tried filling out the chart (as my action) and then i tried journal writing.
>
> Sometimes to distract myself from the urge to cut, I just cry really hard (with the hopes of falling asleep). Can you think of other things you can do instead of SI-ing, like maybe taking a walk or cooking/baking, exercising?well, i do all that stuff (including crying really hard). after i cried hard, i wanted to SI. so that wasn't a replacement, but more of a trigger. i've been exercising every day. and shopping and snacking on healthy foods a lot. i'm actually taking amazingly good care of myself for the first time in my life, practically, in every way but this one. it's like i'm learning to nurture myself for the first time, and it feels really good. but then i cut. i don't know. it doesn't really make sense. does it?
i hope you're right that i will get past this. i'm more worried about getting over my t.
crushed
poster:crushedout
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318438.html