Posted by crushedout on February 26, 2004, at 23:52:27
In reply to ((((Crushedout))))) » crushedout, posted by Elle2021 on February 26, 2004, at 23:38:42
Thanks, Elle. I'm not sure why I started, except that I've been in all this pain over my T, and a few weeks ago I accidentally burned myself on the radiator, and it left these marks in the shape of a heart on my arm. I got this weird sense of pride/pleasure from that, and then started fantasizing about getting a tattoo. It kind of took off from there. I even drew pictures on my arm before I tried actually cutting myself. Maybe I should go back to drawing pictures.
My T was angry and pressing me for reasons. She wanted to know what I was feeling, what I was getting out of it. I was having a lot of trouble coming up with answers, and usually she doesn't push me very hard, but today she was like, "Try harder." It was a bit rough, but like I said, I think I sort of liked it. Maybe in a sort of masochistic way.
She said it made her realize that before we get into exploring my fantasies about her, we have to make sure I have enough coping skills to handle it. Then she gave me a chart to keep track of my feelings and urges to cut. And a referral for a psychopharmacologist.
I think the point of the chart was to help me figure out other ways to cope, but I almost took it as her giving me permission to cut more, as some kind of research. So, I did tonight, only a little. But just to see how it made me feel. Then I wrote it down on the chart. It made me feel better. Nothing else I tried did.
Anyway, I'm interested in hearing more about your reasons for cutting, since I'm not sure I understand what's motivating me at all yet. It's really weird. I'm too old for this.
> I'm sorry your feeling depressed. I wish I had some better advice to offer you, but I'm depressed myself. Why do you think you started cutting all of the sudden? Do you have an idea of what triggered it? I know I cut because it's a way of punishing myself. I read on the webpage that I recommended to you that carving initials seems to be fairly common. What did your T have to say about this (if you don't mind my asking)? Take care of yourself okay. ((((Crushedout))))
> Elle
poster:crushedout
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318102.html