Posted by crushedout on February 25, 2004, at 9:30:41
I've never been into cutting myself before (although I'm a cuticle-attacker, which I think is related). But a few weeks ago, I burned myself accidentally on the radiator and it gave me this weird sense of pride/pleasure (the burn on my arm looked like a heart), and then I started fantasizing about getting a tattoo, which I've never done before.Last week, in the midst of a very difficult week with my therapist, I cut myself for the first time. I told her about it and she said she'd appreciate it if in the future I tell her about it when I'm angry at her rather than take it out on myself.
But this Monday, I carved her initials into my arm. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about it yesterday when I saw her so I emailed her about it. I feel like I'm being manipulative (which I told her in the email) but I'm also just scared because I'm wanting to do this all the time now, and I know this can be addictive. I don't really understand it. I'm sorry if this is a hard post for folks to read -- I just thought maybe you guys could help me understand what's going on, and realize why I need to stop doing this. Because it's not entirely clear to me what the harm is.
I quit doing a lot of self-destructive/addictive things recently (drugs and smoking) so this feels pretty innocuous in comparison), and it's kind of taking the place of those things for me.
I'm also worried that my T is mad at me now and it's kind of embarrassing (especially since it was her initials).
poster:crushedout
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/317484.html