Posted by crushedout on February 28, 2004, at 2:37:57
In reply to Re: More answers (long) » crushedout, posted by Elle2021 on February 28, 2004, at 2:16:29
> It's interesting that you sort of wanted her to terminate you. I think that perhaps for you, her terminating you would signal some type of firm answer on whether the two of you can have something more than just a therapist-client relationship.hmm, well, i'm not sure. on the one hand, termination might mean we could start a nontherapeutic relationship. and then, if we didn't, it would give me an opportunity to get over her, which is very hard for me to do seeing her twice a week as my t. so either way, it would be an end to this suspended misery i've been in for over a year now.
> I remember you talking about your transference in the past. If I'm remembering correctly, the two of you exchanged CD's.yes, although that was a couple months ago. since then, she told me she was attracted to me, and then started divulging a lot about herself (ways in which we are similar and she tends to overidentify with me) and then told me basically that she was mad at me for needing her too much (because i called her on the weekend after a really bad fight with my mother -- i called her work number, mind you, and left a message saying i understood if she couldn't talk since it was the weekend, but just asked if she could chat with me for five minutes). (sort of in her defense, she said it wasn't my fault she was mad at me -- she was just telling me so i would be able to know why she was reacting to me a certain way? i'm not sure. this isn't really clear to me.) anyway, after all that, i got kind of freaked out and tried to fire her but she talked me into staying. the cutting started during that week, when i tried to fire her.
> > not *more* attentive really, but i think the anger showed me she cared maybe. also i found it sort of arousing. that sounds weird.
>
> Perhaps you found it arousing because she showed concern for you, much like a close loved one might (i.e. a spouse).yeah, i think that's right.
> Okay, when I read the above, I started to think a little bit. Here is my sketchy theory on what you wrote:
>
> The things you cut, carve, burn into yourself are things you desire or seek to make a part of yourself. The burn that was shaped like a heart, signified that you want love. So having a heart on your body might be like having "love." Carving your T's initials into your skin might be your way of having her with you all the time, or just having her, if that makes sense. Since you said the flower and sun make you happy when you look at them, that is like always having something you know will make you happy, right there on your skin. By the way, I would much rather have you draw on yourself then cutting. I don't know what you think about that, but I'd be interested to know.wow, i LOVE your theory. it really makes sense to me. especially the part about having her with me, *having* her even. i really like it, elle. thanks. and yes, i agree that drawing is better than cutting. much better.
> > wanting so much to be my t's lover/child/mother/friend and knowing i can't be. that's clear as can be. and yes, i do it to distract myself from the pain that causes me, which is pretty unbearable at times.
>
> I'm going to respond to the rest of your questions too, but I have to get something done right quick.no rush. is it really late where you are? 3:36 a.m. here.
poster:crushedout
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318444.html