Posted by crushedout on February 27, 2004, at 18:19:29
In reply to Re: ((((Elle))))), posted by Elle2021 on February 27, 2004, at 1:54:33
hi elle,i definitely don't mind trying to answer your questions. i like it, actually.
> So all this started quite by accident then, that's interesting. Do you think you cut this time because you wanted to upset your therapist or get a reaction out of her?
yes, i think that's why i did it, mostly. and i think she knew that, and that's why she was mad at me. i even told her in the email where i told her i did it, that i felt like i was being manipulative by telling her about it, but the alternative (not telling her) seemed worse. that didn't get me off the hook, though.
> >My T was angry and pressing me for reasons.She wanted to know what I was feeling, what I was getting out of it.
>
> It's so annoying when they ask the same question repeatedly and I just don't have the answers she wants. I know they think I'm trying to avoid the question, but in reality, I just really don't know what I feel.yeah, i really didn't have the answers and she wouldn't let me just say "i don't know." she usually does, but i guess she was mad or i don't know why she was pressing me like that.
> >I think I sort of liked it. Maybe in a sort of masochistic way.
>
> Is it the pain you enjoy? Do you feel really numb, so in order to feel something you SI? Sometimes that's the reason I do it. Other times, I depersonalize, so then I self injure to reassure myself that I am awake and real. This has been the trend for me lately, as I have been depersonalizing more than usual as of late.well, i was talking about liking her being mad at me, i think. but i also liked the si. i don't think it was the pain i enjoyed. it's hard for me to tell. it's more seeing the blood, i guess. i've only done it three times now but each time i was in pain, and i did it to calm myself, to feel numb -- so, it was the opposite of what you're talking about. although i could see myself doing it to feel something when i'm numb, too. i just haven't done it for that reason yet. hopefully, i won't start.
> >She said it made her realize that before we get into exploring my fantasies about her, we have to make sure I have enough coping skills to handle it.
>
> I definitely agree with her on that. It might not be a good idea to delve into your fantasies about her without having a healthy way to cope with them. I just really hope for you that this is something you can stop since you just recently started. It is a highly addictive behavior.me, too. i think i can. that's why i told her about it. i don't want to wait till it's gotten completely out of control.
> >Then she gave me a chart to keep track of my feelings and urges to cut.
>
> Thats a good idea, I think I'm going to try it. Do you mind describing the chart? I think that would be really helpful.sure. the chart has columns for (1) day and time, (2) urge to cut on scale of 1-5, (3) feeling(s) (or if you can't figure out what you're feeling that thought(s)), (4) action taken (cutting would be one possible action, i suppose -- this is where i took this as permission to cut -- but ideally, i guess you would try something less destructive, like writing in a journal), and (5) feeling after action.
> >And a referral for a psychopharmacologist.
>
> For meds? Some of the meds that control impulses are said to be somewhat helpful for SI-ing.yeah, i guess that was the idea. and also to avoid falling into a deep depression. i'm already on some meds but a very low dose.
> >So, I did tonight, only a little. But just to see how it made me feel. Then I wrote it down on the chart. It made me feel better. Nothing else I tried did.
>
> What else did you try first? Sometimes I find taking an anti-anxiety helps me to calm down enough to resist the urge. Did you cut tonight just to see how it would make you feel or was there another more specific reason. I try to identify why I'm getting the urge to cut.i tried filling out the chart (as my action) and then i tried journal writing. but the journal writing made me very sad and i cried a lot, and then that made me want to cut way more than i was wanting to before i wrote. so i did, and then i felt comforted. i felt so much better.
i know that's messed up. i'm not sure what i'm going to do to deal with this.
crushed
poster:crushedout
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318335.html