Posted by Elle2021 on February 28, 2004, at 2:16:29
In reply to More answers (long) » Elle2021, posted by crushedout on February 28, 2004, at 1:35:43
> really good questions, elle.
Thank you!
>i'm not sure. i even told her when i saw her that part of me maybe wanted her to terminate me, because that would be somewhat of a relief.
It's interesting that you sort of wanted her to terminate you. I think that perhaps for you, her terminating you would signal some type of firm answer on whether the two of you can have something more than just a therapist-client relationship.
>(btw, elle, have you been following all the drama i've been going through with my t lately? i was just assuming you had, but that's a silly assumption.)
I have been following it. :)
>i also realized afterwards that part of me might have done it to get some kind of closure, to make it clearer to myself that nothing would ever happen between us (me and my t -- this assumes you know about my recent history with her -- if not, i'll have to fill you in)
I remember you talking about your transference in the past. If I'm remembering correctly, the two of you exchanged CD's. I think that transference is like a safe experience for people in therapy to explore their feelings about relationships. The therapist is a safe person to choose to do this with because the client knows that nothing can happen between them (except in some rare, unethical situations).
> not *more* attentive really, but i think the anger showed me she cared maybe. also i found it sort of arousing. that sounds weird.
Perhaps you found it arousing because she showed concern for you, much like a close loved one might (i.e. a spouse).
> i dunno. i don't think so. i think it's like a pretty picture on my skin. i drew on myself tonight: a flower and a sun. i colored the flower in. it makes me happy to look at it. i got the same feeling when i looked at my t's initials after i carved them into my arm. that was one of the things she kept pressing me for an answer for: what about looking at the flower, the initials, the original accidental burn in the shape of a heart, gave me pleasure? i couldn't explain it. it just does. i can't explain it.
Okay, when I read the above, I started to think a little bit. Here is my sketchy theory on what you wrote:
The things you cut, carve, burn into yourself are things you desire or seek to make a part of yourself. The burn that was shaped like a heart, signified that you want love. So having a heart on your body might be like having "love." Carving your T's initials into your skin might be your way of having her with you all the time, or just having her, if that makes sense. Since you said the flower and sun make you happy when you look at them, that is like always having something you know will make you happy, right there on your skin. By the way, I would much rather have you draw on yourself then cutting. I don't know what you think about that, but I'd be interested to know.
> wanting so much to be my t's lover/child/mother/friend and knowing i can't be. that's clear as can be. and yes, i do it to distract myself from the pain that causes me, which is pretty unbearable at times.
I'm going to respond to the rest of your questions too, but I have to get something done right quick.
Elle
poster:Elle2021
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318443.html