![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on December 4, 2007, at 18:39:56
When will I be able to Not Care about how it is, how he feels about me, when will I be able to be Normal again, a person standing alone in my own right, not caring how he feels about me. my presence. my persona, my Being, my Soul is nicer than my physical body I hope, I hope I have a soul as beautiful as can be. Be, to be, to be autonomously feeling and thinking and Being, to spend an entire 24 hours without thinking about him, without caring what he's doing, without wondering how he's feeling .. I want to have what I cannot have ever, not ever, Susan get it this time. This time Susan, you absolutely cannot Fail but to Get it. And even though it'll break your heart and your spirit and it will be the saddest thing that's ever happened, it's happened to you before, and of course the truth is that Nothing has changed. This is the way it always was, you cannot love someone you're not allowed to. You cannot expect anything back from someone if you don't exist in any way but a Bad way. Sometimes it's just like that. You know that. Think of Balbir, think of Richard, think of others who see you the same way. It's awful. Dreadful. Hurtful for everyone.
I hate it.
I want to return what I am given, it hurts that I can't love Balbir and see him the same way, the anticipation when he looks at me .. and Richard the same. Richard the same, every fricking day at work was a dip in an ocean of Pain.
I could not stand it.
I had to become That for someone else, to feel the empathy more deeply. I had it then and it hurt so much. I wanted to give back and I just Couldn't.
So why then did i have to become that for someone else why did i make this happen on purpose, you know you did it on purpose Susan, and you hurt somebody doing it and made them dislike you so much they want to throw up, as soon you left the room he ran probably to the wastebasket to puke in his inner sanctum, the place you'll never be allowed ever again, and would you want Balbir in your living room? No, because he would get the wrong idea, that he had a Chance to show you his most magnificent self, and then claim you for his, when you belong, in truth, to No One.
Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 12:19:22
In reply to When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I, posted by susan47 on December 4, 2007, at 18:39:56
forgive me, Sarah, but holdin' it in. HOldin' it all in, holdin' it in and getting stoned on pot every fricking day because you cannot stand the reality, the harsh, bare Reality of the soundless Void.
That's what life is, you see, that's what it is, it's really truly soundless, without sound but silence, the silence is so deep and hurts too much, and you have to live with Sarah and and your writing and your drug and sometimes booze too, sometimes you drink too much, but not drunk drink, pain-less drinking, darling, to drop the pain, to forget it and live without it, to live with Hope for a change..
I hae a smile, stretched from ear to ear, to see you walkin' down the road ... we meet at the lights, I stare for a while, the world around us Disappears ... disappears, .. it's gone, and not it's just you and me on my Island of Hope .. a breath between us could be miles. Let me surround you, a sea to your shore, let me be the calm you Seek ... and everytime I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say, and you just Walk Away ...
Ah.
Now I'm going to take my dog for a walk on the beach, when I'd rather be sailing in the tropics, when I'd rather be making love on the beach, in the forest, in a pond, in the Light.
And I will come home and do what I have to do to get through another day. Another day in Hell, because if we are here to learn lessons, then mine is that I will die.
I Love You.
I love ... I need to learn to Love.
Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 12:30:42
In reply to Holdin' On, and, posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 12:19:22
> forgive me, Sarah, but holdin' it in. Holdin' it all in, holdin' it in and getting stoned on pot every fricking day because you cannot stand the reality, the harsh, bare Reality of the soundless Void.
> That's what life is, you see, that's what it is, it's really truly soundless, without sound but silence, the silence is so deep and hurts too much, and you have to live with Sarah and and your writing and your drug and sometimes booze too, sometimes you drink too much, but not drunk drink, pain-less drinking, darling, to drop the pain, to forget it and live without it, to live with Hope for a change..
> I have a smile, stretched from ear to ear, to see you walkin' down the road ... we meet at the lights, I stare for a while, the world around us Disappears ... disappears, .. it's gone, and now (not, not not)... now. Now... it's just you and me on my Island of Hope .. a breath between us could be miles ... let me surround you, a sea to your shore, let me be the calm you Seek ... and every time I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say, and you just Walk Away ...
> Ah.
And life, it's here again, when this stone wears off, perhaps even before that, I will feel the harsh glare of my life staring back at me, and I will see that these mundane things I do alone today, will only bring another tomorrow. and ...
> Now I have to get out, into the light, even though it's harsh and cold and it has a glare to it that it shouldn't have, that is hurtful, and I have to take my dog for a walk on the beach, in the cold, and look for hope to carry on, somewhere in the grains of sand under my shoes there is some truth I can bear ... when I'd rather be sailing, with a warm wind and warm ocean and beautiful people and beautiful fish and soft night breezes, when I'd rather be making love on the beach, in the forest, in a pond, in the Light, in Love, in cherishment.
> But today and perhaps every day to the cold infinity and the harshness of my dying, I will come home and do what I have to do to get through another day. Another day in Hell, because if we are here to learn lessons, then mine is that I will die.
> I Love You.
> I love ... I need to learn to Love. Love me, because if I can't love me, who can? Oh god, oh if there are angels then please help me through this life, because I just can't fricking stand it, it's only in the forgetting of it that it's bearable.
Posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
In reply to When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I, posted by susan47 on December 4, 2007, at 18:39:56
Hey Susan,
I honestly don't know how to respond, so I thought I'd share a couple of things that have been resonating quite strongly for me lately.
The poet Rainer Maria Rilke begs us:
'To be patient toward all that is unsloved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually,without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.'
And Jiddu Krishnamurti said:
'In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.' and
'You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer and understand, for all that is life.'
(((((Susan)))))
Someone asked me the other day if I could ever imagine myself as 'x' and I said not without dying and being reborn. And she said: "and this is what you are experiencing now - labour pains of a kind, the pain of being reborn into your life."
Hold onto hope my friend, there are others on the road beside you.
Damos
Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:20:11
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47, posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
First of all, you don't have to respond, a response is not necessary. Your emotions, your own feelings are all that is necessary in this dance.
Ah, ah-hah. Your need to break everything down into component parts, into something that makes sense so that I can deal with my pain. It's all right, it's okay, pain is an end in it iself, I'm sure, not only part of the process but also part of the meaning of it all. In fact we were born into pain. My first breath was painful, and I believe it resonates now, as do all ours, until we get to express it and be Heard. Heard, Damos, to be heard is the most important thing of all.
There is no sense in Knowing it all, is there? Of course not, that would take all the romantic poetry out of this thing we've come to know as Life, as living, and some of us retain the essence of pain in everything we see and do, until we're able to let it Out. Be heard, appreciated, understood, and most of all, to be loved.
Someday, I will have that I will have Love. Before my dying moment would be nice, but I understand now that it may not be necessary or even planned that way, I see it every day in my mind's eye now, I see an old woman Alone, and it makes no earthly sense to live into that. I cannot and I Will Not Live Into That. I will have love, and be loved, and experience ecstasy in giving myself to someone, and him giving himself to me, but Wanting That. That's the worst part, the part is the Wanting that has to Be. And do you have any idea how lucky some people are to actually Have That? Damos, what's it like to have that? To feel that you want it, I know how that is. But I'm a gemini, and it's understandable that's my life mission, to find my twin, and not to grieve if I don't, not so badly that it messes up my whole life.
Damos I know I'm talking ridiculous nonsense but it isn't, really. I mean, I know it's beyond the beyond for some people to think this way, and to understand. But reality is what we choose it to Be. I am building a better reality for myself, out of my pain, out of my learning, and I don't care what any philosopher says .. it may or it may not resonate with me. But I still have the capability to put things into my own words, inadequate as they may seem to Some. I understand. I am not a poetic or a philosopher or even any kind of a writer. And I am certainly not the pianist I wanted to be. Pain comes in so many shapes and forms, memories ... sometimes it really seems too much, but my catharsis is in these explosions of words and in my ability to communicate a feeling to someone.
God forgive me for being myself, for being imperfect and unwell, and wanting to be what I am clearly Not.And Damos, thank you for saying there are Others beside me. I want there to be that.
Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:28:56
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47, posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
> 'You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer and understand, for all that is life.'
>
If only there were not so much other Crap we need to Deal with on a daily basis, there must be so much time for meditation every day, and the deepest of that comes in listening to music, my music. And thinking of love, and writing from the heart, expressing what needs to be said, and I wish it were different, and it isn't, and it's frightening, Damos, because it comes with so Many bitter tears, so many things that can't be expressed in words, sorrow that cleanses but also hurts so deeply you cannot imagine unless you actually do it Purposefully, as I do, and I don't understand and cannot imagine Why.
Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:32:46
In reply to That's Beautiful, Damos, really Truly., posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:28:56
Violin Concerto No. 5 in A major, K.219
Part of the dance, part of the feeling, beautiful love expressing itself. Music is love in it's purest form...if only i played music.. if only these fingers could play the piano the way they play a keyboard .. to be a master of the art of the form of love.
My God. Truly.
Posted by susan47 on January 19, 2008, at 12:04:43
In reply to Mozart, posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:32:46
Was Mozart happy, was Haydn happy, Beethoven, was Beethoven Happy?
How about Dorothy, Dorothy with the glasses, oh I can't remember the f*ck*ng mj .. Parker. Here on my shelf. I'm coming. Today I will read you and remember and feel your funny witties, funny titties, I have funny witty titties.
Oh, Dorothy. Oh, dear.
What the hell am I saying, where am I going on this trip, right now, here right now oh dear. I have to stop. This is not the place to be writing, I have to learn to write and do it on my own, because I have a real identity I am a real person and this is real life,
Susan you're on the web are you insane?
Yes.
Truly, I am crazy. A crazy stupid unhappy person. Thinking that she can change anything, I can change nothing, I can only be what I am and f*ck the world because the world certainly doesn't give a f*ck because I, I don't give a f*ck, that's the truth I am a failure I can't do anything right.
I can't do anything wrong, if I say f*ck the world.
The biker's hat trick, ftw.
How many unhappy people can ever do anything really positive, relaly good? It seems like a lot can. But it seems like it doesn't make them happy, and in the end what was better? What do you do though, if you're a stupid, ignorant unhappy person, who has no feeling of worth to even make a real connection? Why does my world have to center around my heart, why can't it center around golfing, or running, swimming, skating, fishing, oh god how I miss going fishing. I used to love to fish, I still love to do that but I don't want to do anything alone, the world is too real, it comes sense-crashing in and I cry too much. Everyone says I cry too much. But I have to cry, that is what no one understands, that crying makes me happy, and hard to be around, and that makes me sad.
I am truly a freak, submersed in self-pity.
Iloveyou.
Posted by susan47 on February 25, 2008, at 19:29:14
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47, posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
To hell with suffering. I know why it's there and why we have to go through it, why everybody does in some form, that's certain, and I know every time I suffer for some cause or some reason I know I always end up with more understanding, more empathy, and more gratitude.
But why I feel weaker all the time, that's another thing. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know how all this will end. I don't feel good about this, although I really want to. I want to feel good about everything. There has to have been a purpose, a reason for it. Do you know the feeling of not wanting to leave until you know you've done everything you have to do, and done it well? It's an awful feeling not to have that.
Posted by susan47 on April 15, 2008, at 23:50:38
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I, posted by susan47 on February 25, 2008, at 19:29:14
a film about old people. A doctor filmed his house calls with the aged, that's you and I in the not-too-distant future. And some people are just waiting to die.
And I have been that for so long I just don't know if I can be any different. I want to be I really, truly do want that.
There's so much to say while we're alive. so much to put right, if it can be done. So much. It's a basket of heaviness, a gift of life.
To give myself. To be of service.
Service to you, not myself. Let me be of service to you.
Posted by Susan47 on May 2, 2008, at 10:43:33
In reply to Last Night I saw, posted by susan47 on April 15, 2008, at 23:50:38
Dear Brian,
It has been so long since I hated you. I am so sorry for all the pain I added to your load, which was already so heavy, so unbearable for some, and you managed, you managed to live, but what a life. What a life of lessons for you, of learning your strengths and weaknesses and carrying them back .. I pray your life is meaningful and full of love now. I pray for your release from pain.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.I wish for healing for yourself and your son, and I pray one day soon, you'll be reunited, but this only in love.
You are the father of a child I bore, a child I loved inadequately but to my best. A child I love today and always and forever, no matter what. And he carries your pain body too, Brian, and I wish only the best for both of you, because I love you both.I forgive you for all the ways you ran from knowing him, from your financial obligations, from not loving him as a father. I forgive you for that, for all the years of loneliness and despair I felt, and I forgive myself for feeling that way. I forgive myself for all the times I couldn't listen to what Andrew was saying, because I was so involved in my own head, my mind's thoughts, my ego's cravings for attention, and I wasn't able to hear what Andrew was wanting from me, which was only and always to be present.
I forgive myself for missing so much of my child's life by not being present, because I was always in a state of mental agitation so gross it took over almost my whole self.
If I should never see you again, I forgive the $128,000 dollars or so you owe in back child support.
Andrew is a grown man now, and the only thing he needs from you is you to be and love yourself, Brian.
Please, be happy and know that you're forgiven, from all of my heart and soul, and that I pray your son too will forgive you and me in time.
E.
Posted by susan47 on June 26, 2008, at 23:40:45
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47, posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
'To be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually,without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.'
Loving the questions, the locked rooms, is only possible when one can be brave, and to be brave, one has to be able to be in This Moment, right in it, baby, like, furiously grabbing at it, going "YES! THIS is my life, THIS is the essence of Who I am, this is me, baby, and I'm LOVING it" ... and flying into the answers with that attitude, can actually be done, with the help of a drug ... Now I want it to be done without the drug, please dear God, God of my heart, god of my soul, god of my being, in Jesus' name remember me, please agree with me, for my healing, for the healing of every one of us, for the social rehabilitation of our souls .... for our wellbeing, the health of planet earth, the wellbeing of our souls and our universe, the health of the natural vibrations on our planet .. please help us all to Heal.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Posted by Damos on July 3, 2008, at 18:27:37
In reply to Damos, posted by susan47 on June 26, 2008, at 23:40:45
> 'To be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually,without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.'
> Loving the questions, the locked rooms, is only possible when one can be brave, and to be brave, one has to be able to be in This Moment, right in it, baby, like, furiously grabbing at it, going "YES! THIS is my life, THIS is the essence of Who I am, this is me, baby, and I'm LOVING it" ... and flying into the answers with that attitude, can actually be done, with the help of a drug ... Now I want it to be done without the drug, please dear God, God of my heart, god of my soul, god of my being, in Jesus' name remember me, please agree with me, for my healing, for the healing of every one of us, for the social rehabilitation of our souls .... for our wellbeing, the health of planet earth, the wellbeing of our souls and our universe, the health of the natural vibrations on our planet .. please help us all to Heal.>I love you
Hi Susan,
Sorry to be so long in replying. What can I tell you, your desperate longing for the answers, for meaning, that sense of running out of time to get it right are all perfectly normal things to be feeling. They are. And I'm not gonna lie to you, the 'being patient' is hard, damn hard. Well it is for me anyway.
Time is a funny thing Susan, there's Kronos - chronological time and then there's Kairos - the right or special moment. You've experienced Kairos if you've ever had the sense of time having 'flown' - you know that feeling when you're really 'in' a conversation or something and you feel like it's only been a couple of minutes but when you look at the clock a couple of hours have slipped by. Or when you've experienced the opposite - that sensation of time slowing down and everything happening in slow-motion. The bad news, and it took me a long time to realise this, is that you can't *make* those moments happen.
Susan, you know me well enough to know I'm not brave - not the least little bit. Gee I wish there was a good way to represent the long pauses that are going on while I try and make sense of what I'm trying to say and actually write it. Susan, it takes great courage to allow life to 'unfold' and this is where reality really bit me hard. It took a long time for me to realise that my desperation for this and that, the intensity and desperation of my clinging to things (and people) was effectively killing off the very possibility of the things I wanted so much. You cannot create those moments but you can create the space in which they can unfold. AAARRRGGGHHHHH! I remember as a kid feeding ducks and wanting to pat them, so I chased them - they moved away from me, and the quicker I moved to pursue them, the quicker they moved away. I remember being told that if I just stood still long enough they would come to me - and they did - eventually. That's kinda what I'm trying to say here, sometimes all you need to do is stand still long enough for life to find you - for it to have a chance to unfold. That's what our friendship does Susan, it ebbs and flows and unfolds over time, because we've created the space for that to happen. Honestly I don't think I've ever flown into any of the best moments of my life. More often than not it's actually been a post-fact realisation an 'Ah-hah' moment if you will, because when you are 'in' the moment it just is, it's only afterwards you think 'WOW! that was really amazing'. Am I making any sense here? Susan, sometimes being brave as you describe it can simply be taking a deep breath in and out and relaxing into the moment, rather than trying to make it this or that. I might also be talking utter cr*p here. All I know is that all the best moments I've ever experienced are a complete mystery to me, Sunny said something to me the other day as well about how 'the bad is explained, but the good can never be.' Wise woman our Sunny.
I can't really say much about the with or without drugs because I've never used them. But my sense is that on them, it's not you that is in the moment, not your true physical self, not your true spiritual self, but as I say I don't know, it's just a feeling that somehow that 'altered' experience takes you further from where you want to be, not closer - don't know.
Breathe Susan, just breathe, come and sit with me a while, watch the sun go down and the moon rise and just *be* for a while.
I love you too my friend
Damos
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 18:34:16
In reply to Susan47, posted by Damos on July 3, 2008, at 18:27:37
a real person, someone I knew, who knew me. Because you don't know me, and you can't love me because you don't know me.
Off drugs, I am not even on this site. Damos, do you know that the only Susan you've ever known is the stoned one, unless I emailed you privately, and even then, I have to be stoned to get up the nerve to face my computer.
Because the instrument of my expression, and the drug of that expression, have both become torture.
But I read things I've written, and Damos, they're All True.
All of them, even in the moments when I am Not Stoned, and I read things, they're true.
So being stoned did not cover my real essence.
What it did, is it was released through mj. But mj has many, many bad side effects.
And a feeling of unreality about my un-stoned self, is one of those.
And feeling badly about who I am on this site, is another.
And one day, I shall Recover.
I shall be stone-cold Straight, and Loving It.
Posted by susan47 on July 18, 2008, at 20:27:23
In reply to Susan47, posted by Damos on July 3, 2008, at 18:27:37
You said this,
"Time is a funny thing Susan, there's Kronos - chronological time and then there's Kairos - the right or special moment. You've experienced Kairos if you've ever had the sense of time having 'flown' - you know that feeling when you're really 'in' a conversation or something and you feel like it's only been a couple of minutes but when you look at the clock a couple of hours have slipped by. Or when you've experienced the opposite - that sensation of time slowing down and everything happening in slow-motion. The bad news, and it took me a long time to realise this, is that you can't *make* those moments happen."
and I say, this is the exact effect of smoking marihuana, on a steady, daily basis, and then experiencing a week or two without the drug, and then experiencing effects of going on and off Prozac and Risperidone, even, 0.5 mg twice daily and at bedtime, but then falling asleep when driving, and experiencing depressed states of being, and always reading reading reading different stuff, crazy, schizophrenic stuff even, Damos you would not Believe the type of reading material, the different realitities people have created in their worlds ... and feeling like a part of all of it and a part of none of it ... the shifts in time, the forgotten past, the forgetting, the forgetting, the forgetting .. the eternal forgetting effect of eternal mj, the desire to get Off of this Drug, and the knowing and feeling I am doomed, at the same, one and the same time.
Tomorrow I go on a long driving holiday, and I was hoping to go without the drug, but it looks like I won't be able to do that ... but I am not doomed.
I just am I.
Time goes by, and we eventually get where we're going.
Good-bye, my friend, until we meet again.
Ciao.
Posted by Damos on July 19, 2008, at 22:12:30
In reply to Re: Susan47 » Damos, posted by susan47 on July 18, 2008, at 20:27:23
Have a safe & wonderful trip my dear friend, we shall talk more when you return.
No you are not doomed Susan, not in my eyes, far from it.
Oh and I would believe the type of stuff that's been written Susan, I've read some William Burroughs and other shall we say 'odd' stuff in my time.
I must apologise for not having responded to your other post. It seems I've reach new levels of slackness and forgetfulness lately - even for me.
Take good care my friend.
Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2008, at 3:19:11
In reply to Re: Susan47 » susan47, posted by Damos on July 19, 2008, at 22:12:30
> Have a safe & wonderful trip my dear friend, we shall talk more when you return.
I'm back .. Oh, Damos, it was crazy, it was great, it was a camping holiday in my beautiful province here in Canada ... it was awful (mountain pine beetles destroying all of our pine forests ... soon there will be nothing left ... because of global warming, Damos, and no one is taking responsibility for that fact, it is all covered up in silly placating propaganda and actual lies .... so sad, my children's future is so so sad and I feel so bad about this, there are too many people and too many monied liars in power in this world) .... and my holiday was challenging, and wet, it rained a lot, and I spent hours and hours river rafting with a friend and her children and my children ... and we got dumped into a glacial Class 3 rapid and we made it out alive and it was crazy, wild, scary, life-affirming. If not for my friend I wouldn't have done anything like this so I'm a lucky, lucky person to have the people I do have in my life ... I hope I'm becoming a better person. I think I am, therefore I must be, I am, becoming what I wish to be. Maybe not completely off the drug, yet, but understanding more about the role it plays in my life. Getting dreams, sleeping outdoors for the last two weeks, psychic dreams, dreams of knowing ... maybe I am crazy. Maybe my reality's changing so fast I only feel crazy. Tonight I picked up a hitchhiker, someone who's trying different lives on for size, different realities slipping in and out of his life ... and it feels like a way to be happy, to be truly in the moment and not caring about the expectations of anyone else.
>
> No you are not doomed Susan, not in my eyes, far from it.
>
Damos, you are so kind, so very kind to me. Over these years (!), unbelievably, I've been lucky enough to have you posting me and supporting me and caring about me, when I don't feel I deserve your friendship or support but there you are. So many people have been so kind to me IRL too, when I was at my lowest of lows, and I pray I never feel so low as I have lately, this year, ever again. I don't know if I could make it through. I hope I've reached the end of the bad feelings. The anxiety is torture. I want the anxiety in my brain to die away, leaving only feelings of peace. Like nursing a baby, that kind of peace.
> Oh and I would believe the type of stuff that's been written Susan, I've read some William Burroughs and other shall we say 'odd' stuff in my time.
>
I've read stuff of murder and torture, haven't we all? Have you read about the murder, dismembering and cannibalism in Liberia, have you read about the people living on toxic garbage dumps in the Philippines, to hell with fiction let's go with the facts, is Burroughs fiction? Hell IS there such a thing as fiction, or is fiction just a product of the subconscious mind, which absorbs things we're not even consciously aware of? Things that are real on some level? What IS reality? Why am I living here in this gorgeous soon to be once-gorgeous country, when others have realities so much harsher than mine, why do I suffer mentally and psychically when I really don't need to, when someone living in a slum or even on the East End, drug-addicted and going through hell, would think my own addiction and anxiety were laughable? Hah-hah-hah? Why do I wonder about whether my life is worth living, day in and day out I wrestle with the desire to do myself in and the knowledge that certainly this would only extend my time here in hell, in the end I would pay for an act like that, and I can't do such a thing to my friends or family, it would be selfish. I have to live what I am given.
I want to change what I have given myself.
I want to change my story from victim, to hero.
That has to be the secret.
I am not a victim.
I am a hero.
I am the hero of my own story.
I am the hero of my story.
Why do I get the luxury of choosing? Does the guy sh*tt*ng in a field outside the airport in Mumbai have the luxury of choosing his happiness? His blank stare may hold an answer.> I must apologise for not having responded to your other post. It seems I've reach new levels of slackness and forgetfulness lately - even for me.
>
Forgetfulness ... Damos, don't be so hard on yourself. Pray this isn't the thing we have in common, no one will beat us up as we do ourselves. Stop it! You're lovely.
> Take good care my friend.Take good care yourself, you're sunshine.
Susan.
This is the end of the thread.
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