For Brian

Posted by Susan47 on May 2, 2008, at 10:43:33

In reply to Last Night I saw, posted by susan47 on April 15, 2008, at 23:50:38

Dear Brian,
It has been so long since I hated you. I am so sorry for all the pain I added to your load, which was already so heavy, so unbearable for some, and you managed, you managed to live, but what a life. What a life of lessons for you, of learning your strengths and weaknesses and carrying them back .. I pray your life is meaningful and full of love now. I pray for your release from pain.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I wish for healing for yourself and your son, and I pray one day soon, you'll be reunited, but this only in love.
You are the father of a child I bore, a child I loved inadequately but to my best. A child I love today and always and forever, no matter what. And he carries your pain body too, Brian, and I wish only the best for both of you, because I love you both.
I forgive you for all the ways you ran from knowing him, from your financial obligations, from not loving him as a father. I forgive you for that, for all the years of loneliness and despair I felt, and I forgive myself for feeling that way. I forgive myself for all the times I couldn't listen to what Andrew was saying, because I was so involved in my own head, my mind's thoughts, my ego's cravings for attention, and I wasn't able to hear what Andrew was wanting from me, which was only and always to be present.
I forgive myself for missing so much of my child's life by not being present, because I was always in a state of mental agitation so gross it took over almost my whole self.
If I should never see you again, I forgive the $128,000 dollars or so you owe in back child support.
Andrew is a grown man now, and the only thing he needs from you is you to be and love yourself, Brian.
Please, be happy and know that you're forgiven, from all of my heart and soul, and that I pray your son too will forgive you and me in time.
E.

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Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47 Damos 12/8/07
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Re: Mozart susan47 1/19/08
Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I susan47 2/25/08
Last Night I saw susan47 4/15/08
For Brian Susan47 5/2/08
Damos susan47 6/26/08
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Re: Susan47 » Damos susan47 7/18/08
Re: Susan47 » susan47 Damos 7/19/08
Re: Susan47 » Damos susan47 8/1/08

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