Posted by susan47 on August 1, 2008, at 3:19:11
In reply to Re: Susan47 » susan47, posted by Damos on July 19, 2008, at 22:12:30
> Have a safe & wonderful trip my dear friend, we shall talk more when you return.
I'm back .. Oh, Damos, it was crazy, it was great, it was a camping holiday in my beautiful province here in Canada ... it was awful (mountain pine beetles destroying all of our pine forests ... soon there will be nothing left ... because of global warming, Damos, and no one is taking responsibility for that fact, it is all covered up in silly placating propaganda and actual lies .... so sad, my children's future is so so sad and I feel so bad about this, there are too many people and too many monied liars in power in this world) .... and my holiday was challenging, and wet, it rained a lot, and I spent hours and hours river rafting with a friend and her children and my children ... and we got dumped into a glacial Class 3 rapid and we made it out alive and it was crazy, wild, scary, life-affirming. If not for my friend I wouldn't have done anything like this so I'm a lucky, lucky person to have the people I do have in my life ... I hope I'm becoming a better person. I think I am, therefore I must be, I am, becoming what I wish to be. Maybe not completely off the drug, yet, but understanding more about the role it plays in my life. Getting dreams, sleeping outdoors for the last two weeks, psychic dreams, dreams of knowing ... maybe I am crazy. Maybe my reality's changing so fast I only feel crazy. Tonight I picked up a hitchhiker, someone who's trying different lives on for size, different realities slipping in and out of his life ... and it feels like a way to be happy, to be truly in the moment and not caring about the expectations of anyone else.
>
> No you are not doomed Susan, not in my eyes, far from it.
>
Damos, you are so kind, so very kind to me. Over these years (!), unbelievably, I've been lucky enough to have you posting me and supporting me and caring about me, when I don't feel I deserve your friendship or support but there you are. So many people have been so kind to me IRL too, when I was at my lowest of lows, and I pray I never feel so low as I have lately, this year, ever again. I don't know if I could make it through. I hope I've reached the end of the bad feelings. The anxiety is torture. I want the anxiety in my brain to die away, leaving only feelings of peace. Like nursing a baby, that kind of peace.
> Oh and I would believe the type of stuff that's been written Susan, I've read some William Burroughs and other shall we say 'odd' stuff in my time.
>
I've read stuff of murder and torture, haven't we all? Have you read about the murder, dismembering and cannibalism in Liberia, have you read about the people living on toxic garbage dumps in the Philippines, to hell with fiction let's go with the facts, is Burroughs fiction? Hell IS there such a thing as fiction, or is fiction just a product of the subconscious mind, which absorbs things we're not even consciously aware of? Things that are real on some level? What IS reality? Why am I living here in this gorgeous soon to be once-gorgeous country, when others have realities so much harsher than mine, why do I suffer mentally and psychically when I really don't need to, when someone living in a slum or even on the East End, drug-addicted and going through hell, would think my own addiction and anxiety were laughable? Hah-hah-hah? Why do I wonder about whether my life is worth living, day in and day out I wrestle with the desire to do myself in and the knowledge that certainly this would only extend my time here in hell, in the end I would pay for an act like that, and I can't do such a thing to my friends or family, it would be selfish. I have to live what I am given.
I want to change what I have given myself.
I want to change my story from victim, to hero.
That has to be the secret.
I am not a victim.
I am a hero.
I am the hero of my own story.
I am the hero of my story.
Why do I get the luxury of choosing? Does the guy sh*tt*ng in a field outside the airport in Mumbai have the luxury of choosing his happiness? His blank stare may hold an answer.> I must apologise for not having responded to your other post. It seems I've reach new levels of slackness and forgetfulness lately - even for me.
>
Forgetfulness ... Damos, don't be so hard on yourself. Pray this isn't the thing we have in common, no one will beat us up as we do ourselves. Stop it! You're lovely.
> Take good care my friend.Take good care yourself, you're sunshine.
Susan.
poster:susan47
thread:798806
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20080605/msgs/843432.html