Posted by susan47 on December 8, 2007, at 19:20:11
In reply to Re: When? Tell me Now .. when will it happen that I » susan47, posted by Damos on December 8, 2007, at 18:15:44
First of all, you don't have to respond, a response is not necessary. Your emotions, your own feelings are all that is necessary in this dance.
Ah, ah-hah. Your need to break everything down into component parts, into something that makes sense so that I can deal with my pain. It's all right, it's okay, pain is an end in it iself, I'm sure, not only part of the process but also part of the meaning of it all. In fact we were born into pain. My first breath was painful, and I believe it resonates now, as do all ours, until we get to express it and be Heard. Heard, Damos, to be heard is the most important thing of all.
There is no sense in Knowing it all, is there? Of course not, that would take all the romantic poetry out of this thing we've come to know as Life, as living, and some of us retain the essence of pain in everything we see and do, until we're able to let it Out. Be heard, appreciated, understood, and most of all, to be loved.
Someday, I will have that I will have Love. Before my dying moment would be nice, but I understand now that it may not be necessary or even planned that way, I see it every day in my mind's eye now, I see an old woman Alone, and it makes no earthly sense to live into that. I cannot and I Will Not Live Into That. I will have love, and be loved, and experience ecstasy in giving myself to someone, and him giving himself to me, but Wanting That. That's the worst part, the part is the Wanting that has to Be. And do you have any idea how lucky some people are to actually Have That? Damos, what's it like to have that? To feel that you want it, I know how that is. But I'm a gemini, and it's understandable that's my life mission, to find my twin, and not to grieve if I don't, not so badly that it messes up my whole life.
Damos I know I'm talking ridiculous nonsense but it isn't, really. I mean, I know it's beyond the beyond for some people to think this way, and to understand. But reality is what we choose it to Be. I am building a better reality for myself, out of my pain, out of my learning, and I don't care what any philosopher says .. it may or it may not resonate with me. But I still have the capability to put things into my own words, inadequate as they may seem to Some. I understand. I am not a poetic or a philosopher or even any kind of a writer. And I am certainly not the pianist I wanted to be. Pain comes in so many shapes and forms, memories ... sometimes it really seems too much, but my catharsis is in these explosions of words and in my ability to communicate a feeling to someone.
God forgive me for being myself, for being imperfect and unwell, and wanting to be what I am clearly Not.And Damos, thank you for saying there are Others beside me. I want there to be that.
poster:susan47
thread:798806
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/799614.html