Posted by susan47 on December 4, 2007, at 18:39:56
When will I be able to Not Care about how it is, how he feels about me, when will I be able to be Normal again, a person standing alone in my own right, not caring how he feels about me. my presence. my persona, my Being, my Soul is nicer than my physical body I hope, I hope I have a soul as beautiful as can be. Be, to be, to be autonomously feeling and thinking and Being, to spend an entire 24 hours without thinking about him, without caring what he's doing, without wondering how he's feeling .. I want to have what I cannot have ever, not ever, Susan get it this time. This time Susan, you absolutely cannot Fail but to Get it. And even though it'll break your heart and your spirit and it will be the saddest thing that's ever happened, it's happened to you before, and of course the truth is that Nothing has changed. This is the way it always was, you cannot love someone you're not allowed to. You cannot expect anything back from someone if you don't exist in any way but a Bad way. Sometimes it's just like that. You know that. Think of Balbir, think of Richard, think of others who see you the same way. It's awful. Dreadful. Hurtful for everyone.
I hate it.
I want to return what I am given, it hurts that I can't love Balbir and see him the same way, the anticipation when he looks at me .. and Richard the same. Richard the same, every fricking day at work was a dip in an ocean of Pain.
I could not stand it.
I had to become That for someone else, to feel the empathy more deeply. I had it then and it hurt so much. I wanted to give back and I just Couldn't.
So why then did i have to become that for someone else why did i make this happen on purpose, you know you did it on purpose Susan, and you hurt somebody doing it and made them dislike you so much they want to throw up, as soon you left the room he ran probably to the wastebasket to puke in his inner sanctum, the place you'll never be allowed ever again, and would you want Balbir in your living room? No, because he would get the wrong idea, that he had a Chance to show you his most magnificent self, and then claim you for his, when you belong, in truth, to No One.
poster:susan47
thread:798806
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20070425/msgs/798806.html