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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 3:02:45
In reply to Re: hmm » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 19, 2006, at 18:05:21
cracking up. i feel like i have been cracking up over the last couple weeks. i'd think 'things are really not going well' and then i'd think i got some insight or other and things were fine and then a little while later i'd kind of crash again. i think i am one of those people who doesn't do so well with no structure. and at the moment i have no structure. no place to go no place to be nothing that i have to do no reason. no f*cking reason. and so my head starts going and mostly... its incoherent and jumbled and even i can't understand what the hell i was trying to say later on.
i'm scared. i'm scared about moving. last year i managed... one hospitalisation of around one week. the year before... i don't know. maybe three or four. progress i suppose. but fact is this year if i need to go to hospital... they will deport me. or just let me stack up a bill i'll never be able to pay... or whatever. no hospitalisations for mental health for one year. end of story. don't even go there. but yeah. i'm scared. because there will be pressure. more than i've had in a while.
and medication. just this week i've been thinking abuot medication again. things are fairly bad when i start contemplating that one. and really very bad when i start taking it.
what the hell is up with me?
i don't know what i need to do...
i don't think i know anything anymore.
i don't even know what i wanted to know.
just keep thinking
'what is wrong? what is wrong? what is wrong with me?'
and i just want to curl up...
curl up
and disappear.
:-(
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 3:08:32
In reply to Re: hmm, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 3:02:45
it is the waiting..
everything is on hold until i hear about accomodation.
and they send you emails every five minutes about how to look for rental properties and co and so the accomodation situation is not looking optimistic.
and i can't bring myself to do anything until i know
because i'm f*cking hopeless without the security of where i'm staying (me spending so very much time in my room and all)
and so things are on hold.
and i don't know what will happen if nothing happens except that i just want to cry and i don't want to do this anymore and am i going to mess up right at the very start???
what the f*ck is wrong with me?????
sometimes i really do hate myself.
and the point that i have to deal with my parents over this...
an dthe point that they are going to make the most of their power about now...
and the point that my mother is winding herself up for a right drama about now...and i don't know.
i hope the sun is shining tomorrow...
being numb...
it still hurts.
dull ache
but sometimes...
the dull ache seems to be all there is
and will this ever stop
and is death my only hope
?
i don't know what i'm talking about
Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 3:46:58
In reply to Re: hmm, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 3:08:32
> ?
> i don't know what i'm talking about
Death isn't a hope, silly, it's an end. Remember?
Sometimes I wonder what type of expectations you must be expected to live up to, and if it's that bringing you to this emotional wreckage of a place, over and over again Alex.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 16:08:38
In reply to Re: hmm, posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 3:46:58
> Death isn't a hope, silly, it's an end. Remember?yeah. it is just that i think it is my only hope that the pain will ever end. that these cycles of i am okay - i am not okay will end. that i won't hurt any more. that i won't hurt others any more. the world is one f*cked up place. oh yes it is. and i don't think i want to play anymore susan. i'm weary. maybe i do need to take the f*cking pills.
> Sometimes I wonder what type of expectations you must be expected to live up to, and if it's that bringing you to this emotional wreckage of a place, over and over again Alex.
i don't think it is the expectations. i though my current state might be about lack of structure. i've been told i don't cope without structure. but i think thats in virtue of a dx that i apparantly don't have anymore so who the f*ck knows. but i thought it might be about the lack of structure. do better with something to be getting on with. some deadline to motivate me. but then if i remember back to when i did have structure. when i had obligations. classes. deadlines etc. well... sometimes i'd fall apart under the pressure. so i think i just spin along really. and although therapists used to get pissed off with me because i couldn't work out what triggered my episodes i can't figure it out. maybe it is just a time thing. just a time thing and every now and then this j ust happens to me. i'm so tired. i'm so sick of it. i don't know susan. i'm sorry.
Posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 17:57:56
In reply to Re: hmm » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 16:08:38
I'm weary, too. I go up and down, up and down, all day, every day. I constantly search for escape from reality; that which others see and I don't. Days go by when I don't understand what I'm doing here, and I feel a complete failure .. other times I have good days, days which have hope in them. I harbour the hope, a tiny flame inside my heart, that I might not be that which others see badly.
So badly.
Such a complete failure, at living a worthy life.
Why? Why? Why can't I see who I can be?
Maybe we're not so good for each other, right now.
Or maybe we need this.. where are you, Alex my friend? Where are you?
I need a voice, I need a phone, but not just any voice or any phone. No. I am so tired, so lonely and so sick at heart.
What is the matter with me? Talk to me Alex, I need you right now. Really, and badly. Today was horrible, horrible. A night of self-recrimination, a morning of abject despair. The knowledge of my open stupidity, ignorance and disrespect .. but I so truly care about others .. tell me, how did I come to this pass? How? I want out.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 18:36:43
In reply to Don't You Dare .. Please! » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 20, 2006, at 17:57:56
> I'm weary, too.
yeah. life can be really very hard sometimes. or mosttimes. or whatever.
> I go up and down, up and down, all day, every day. I constantly search for escape from reality; that which others see and I don't. Days go by when I don't understand what I'm doing here, and I feel a complete failure
yeah. me too.
> .. other times I have good days, days which have hope in them. I harbour the hope, a tiny flame inside my heart, that I might not be that which others see badly.
> So badly.
> Such a complete failure, at living a worthy life.(((((((((susan))))))))))
i think you are a good person.
i see that you hurt a lot. are in a lot of pain. i don't think that you are a bad person. but i don't know how to help you. and i don't know how to help myself.> Maybe we're not so good for each other, right now.
> Or maybe we need this..i think it helps to talk. it hurts. but it helps too.
> where are you, Alex my friend? Where are you?
> I need a voice, I need a phone, but not just any voice or any phone. No. I am so tired, so lonely and so sick at heart.i'm in the library which is closing in a couple minutes... i'll wander over to the comp lab... i don't have access to a phone right now. but we shall talk one day. after i'm moved i will get a phone. i promise you that. and we shall talk.. okay? so we have to stick around for that. both of us.
> What is the matter with me? Talk to me Alex, I need you right now. Really, and badly. Today was horrible, horrible. A night of self-recrimination, a morning of abject despair. The knowledge of my open stupidity, ignorance and disrespect .. but I so truly care about others .. tell me, how did I come to this pass? How? I want out.
i don't know. i don't know susan. but i think you are a good person and i hate to see you hurting.
please don't hate me for this... but are you on any meds? would / could they help? not a cure no but help a little. help with the extremes. the lows. i hate the lows susan. i'm so tired... so weary... i have to get out of the library now but i'll be back in a half hour or so... come babble to me if you are still around - okay???
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 19:00:49
In reply to Re: Don't You Dare .. Please! » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 18:36:43
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 19:18:54
In reply to Re: Don't You Dare .. Please! » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 18:36:43
i start to get cravings for hospital. i hate that. i hate to admit that. i just want. some validation that yeah things are not okay and i'm not doing okay and i need a little help and yes they are helping me they are going to help me and it is okay and i am going to get better. only hospital isn't even about that because they don't help you really they don't even f*cking talk to you or if they do is only to judge you. and i just miss having a t. i just miss having a t to talk to. i miss feeling cared about by someone who is trying to help me and who is helping me and who believes in me and who believes that i am getting better and i am going to be well. this is going to stop. the cycles aren't going to happen anymore. i'm not going to feel like this anyumore. but of course that isn't going to happen. and i have to be really careful to not go from there from all that to the point that there really isn't any hope for me. i don't know. i don't want to do this anymore. but there is nothing to be done. there isn't anyone for me to tal kto irl and i feel sad and... hopeless and i feel mad and then i get scared about feeling mad and then i start thinking all these bad thoughts about what i have to do to get taken seriously... and i know this is unhelpful this whole thing is unhelpful but who am i kidding i am not okay and nobody irl cares at all and nobody irl will help me at all will do anything at all and irl is full of sh*t anyway and i'm not doing so well susan. but things will be better tomorrowl - won't they? and worse the day after and so on and so forth and that is life. i don't like it susan. i don't like it at all. and i don't understand why i can't be normal. in the sense of not getting like this. not thinking these thoughts. i dno't know. time to go back to bed.
Posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 22:24:53
In reply to Re: Don't You Dare .. Please!, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 19:18:54
Why are you being so kind to me? Why haven't I noticed you are in as much pain as I am? Well actually I have. But I feel selfish. Thank you so much.
I don't mean to turn alexandra's intellectual threads into therapy. I hope that isn't getting you down. I'm putting too much importance on my effect on others I know. I really just want to say I like you and let's have more fun while we still deal.
I'm going to take a bath,
James K
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 22:36:26
In reply to You two, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 22:24:53
> Why are you being so kind to me?
no.
the question is
why are you being so kind to me?
;-)> Why haven't I noticed you are in as much pain as I am? Well actually I have. But I feel selfish. Thank you so much.
lol. ditto.
> I don't mean to turn alexandra's intellectual threads into therapy.oh. well that is the point really. i don't have a therapist (long story but i'm not getting one) so i just ramble along playing therapist to myself and every now and then other people play along. and help me out. or it turns into a discussion about them. and sometimes people are able to help them out. or whatever. and if somebody gets something out of it then that is terrific and that is the point really. i don't really care whether they are intellectual discussions or not because i'm always looking at applying it to me so why the hell shouldn't other people do the same thing?
besides which... i don't really know what i'm talking about. and it is nice to get responses :-) intellectual discussions, personal experiences, poetry, a telling off ;-) its all good so don't you stop - okay?
> I hope that isn't getting you down.
nah. its people like you and susan who help me feel better.
> I'm putting too much importance on my effect on others I know. I really just want to say I like you and let's have more fun while we still deal.
> I'm going to take a bath,i like you too :-)
i'm trying to figure whether i'm going to think of you as my uncle or my brother or what ;-)happy bathing.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 22:53:12
In reply to Re: Don't You Dare .. Please! » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 18:36:43
about the phone thing...
you didn't mean me, did you... you were talking about phoning your t.
i haven't been following along all that... but i have read a bit... about how you want to call... but how you want to stop calling...
therapy susan.
i think it really would help you to get a female therapist.
someone good.
someone who doesn't judge you.
because this urge to call him
the intensity of your feelings for him
its not really about him susan
its abuot people from your past
your father or someone like that
and you need to work through it
and that will hurt
it will hurt one hell of a lot
but it will also help
and it will help heal you
and help you see your t differently
so that you don't have that urge the way you do now((((susan))))
i don't hate you sweetie.
you are a good person
i really believe that.you need to stop calling, yeah
but maybe your best way of goign about stopp9ing is to try and find someone to help you figure it out.
Posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:17:41
In reply to Re: Don't You Dare .. Please!, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 19:18:54
I'm so glad you're going to bed. I hope you sleep well and wake refreshed. I myself am rocking back and forth, back and forth.. like an autistic child
Posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:20:42
In reply to You two, posted by James K on January 20, 2006, at 22:24:53
> Why are you being so kind to me? Why haven't I noticed you are in as much pain as I am? Well actually I have. But I feel selfish. Thank you so much.
>
> I don't mean to turn alexandra's intellectual threads into therapy. I hope that isn't getting you down. I'm putting too much importance on my effect on others I know. I really just want to say I like you and let's have more fun while we still deal.
>
> I'm going to take a bath,
>
> James K
I hope you come out of the bath all gooshy and warm and clean ... you're not selfish if you're doing your best, and I think you really are. Pain is one of those things that can move us forward but it's so Damn Hard, you know, to stay the course and not fall away in despair. To remember there's a goal, and keep it in sight.. well, sometimes we need to help each other by holding a hand or two. And right now you two are mine, one on each side, and damn it thank you so much. I hurt too, I hurt too.
Posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:25:47
In reply to Re: susan, posted by alexandra_k on January 20, 2006, at 22:53:12
I'm okay, Alexandra, I'm fine. I'm going to be okay. I've worked out the father thing, I really have. And the mother thing as well. I've learned to forgive, and forget. I've learned I can be myself, I can move forward, in spite of their fears for me, I can be honest. I can admit I'm broken. I did it, I told my mother I knew about my mania, it was okay, I knew I get depressed and difficult, and I was sorry, I was a chip off the old block and I couldn't help it, but don't worry, I'm okay with who I am, as long as you are too.
I wish I were different
but I'm not. And I know that they love me, you know? I know that. In my heart, now, I know they feel badly about their malice, about past hurts, I know their guilt is so big actually that they have to push the truth aside. They just can't face their own broken-ness. It's why mine is so hurtful to them.
That's why.
Posted by James K on January 22, 2006, at 13:36:19
In reply to Re: You two » James K, posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:20:42
Hey Susan47, I just wanted to send a kind word your way. I was out all night. Maybe not the best thing for me right now, but I needed it.
This isn't the social board, so I'll get on topic of writing. And that is when I'm feeling a little better, I'm going to get back to some of the things we were discussing earlier and try to compose (as opposed to off the head ramblings) some thoughts about things.
take care
James k
Posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2006, at 0:08:56
In reply to writing about it » Susan47, posted by James K on January 22, 2006, at 13:36:19
> Hey Susan47, I just wanted to send a kind word your way. I was out all night. Maybe not the best thing for me right now, but I needed it.
Maybe you were able to get out some emotions. I hope you do come back and write write write your heart out James K because it can really be a Tremendous help. Knowing when to let go is the hardest part, for me. But when I need it it's here, the boards are here which is so comforting.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2006, at 19:37:19
In reply to Re: susan » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:25:47
> I myself am rocking back and forth, back and forth.. like an autistic child
I do that too. But not as much as I used to...
> I've worked out the father thing, I really have. And the mother thing as well...
Okay... I guess I was thinking that the thing with you and your t might be a thing with you and your father (because of stuff you have said about 'all men') but maybe not...
> I wish I were different
> but I'm not.I feel like that a lot too. I think we can get better in time... I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I don't feel broken and wounded anymore. I don't know. But I guess that there are times when I don't feel that way. So maybe it is about seeing myself that way more often. Feeling that way more often.
I don't know. I feel really very vulnerable at the moment. I guess that is what hospital is about. Opting out of life for a while. Opting out of all the social norms and expectations etc. The thing I like most about hospital is that. The people who don't talk. Who sit down wherever and whenever they feel like. Who ask inappropriate questions. I feel at home there. Like the pressure is off. No pressure. No pressure. Institutionalised apparantly. Maybe... Maybe I am. But one week of that and I've had enough... Unless I'm really bad... And sometimes... All it takes is a couple days. If I had a t... I don't think I'd need that... But maybe I still would. Maybe having a t would bring up more stuff for me and I'd crave it more often. I don't know.
But I'm okay. I feel sad. And wounded. And raw. But I feel a inner calmness and stillness underneath it all and I am okay. I'm going to be okay. But the hurting... I wish the hurting would stop.
(((((((Susan))))))))
I love ya just the way you are.
But I hope that over time... You don't see yourself as broken anymore.
I really really do.
For you.
Posted by wildcard11 on January 24, 2006, at 11:23:55
In reply to Re: susan » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2006, at 19:37:19
((((((((((((alex))))))))))) ((((((((((susan))))))))))))
((((((((((james k))))))))))
Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 16:21:31
In reply to all of you, posted by wildcard11 on January 24, 2006, at 11:23:55
(((((wildcard)))))
:-)
and of course ((((susan)))) and ((((james k))))
:-)
Posted by Damos on January 24, 2006, at 17:06:22
In reply to hmm, posted by alexandra_k on January 18, 2006, at 20:20:15
Alex, Susan, you were the first people I really spoke to here and I have grown to truly love and care about you both so much, and you and your friendship mean so very much to me. Gosh I hope you know that. This thread really touched and moved me and I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. I'm sorry you hurt, and would do anything to take it away if I could. Want so much for you guys to be happy.
(((((Susan))))) (((((Alex)))))James K, mate I don't think we've met but any relative of Alex's is okay by me ;-) I'm glad you're here and that you've had the chance to meet these two wonderful, precious and incredibly dear friends of mine. So; "G'day and welcome and thanks for being here with us." Sadly I'm not around nearly as much as I'd like so I haven't had a chance to read many of your posts but I know you hurt too and I'm sorry. Take good care okay.
(((((James K)))))Wildcard, gosh it seems like ages since we've talked, seem to have so lost touch with people
:-( Really hope you're doing okay.
(((((Wildcard)))))
Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 17:17:04
In reply to Alex, Susan, James K, Wildcard, posted by Damos on January 24, 2006, at 17:06:22
Damos!
(((((Damos))))) Nice to see you post. I'm sorry you don't have much time to post anymore :-( Sad for you but also sad for me and everyone else who misses out on you :-(
I also wanted to clarify:
>> Why haven't I noticed you are in as much pain as I am? Well actually I have. But I feel selfish. Thank you so much.
>lol. ditto.
Not sure how that came across... I didn't mean to call you selfish... I just meant... I know that when I am really hurting that tends to take over or become me and I find it really very hard to focus on anything outside of myself; that I do feel better at other times, that this shall pass, that other people are hurting too.
I think that that is a normal / typical human response to pain / suffering.
But I didn't mean to imply that you have done / are doing this. Because I don't think you are. I don't think that you are.
But I'm aware that I have been.
But sometimes I really become aware that other people are hurting as much as me...
And knowing that helps. I mean, I feel bad that they are feeling bad. But it is like... One isn't / doesn't have to be alone with the hurt. Sometimes isolation feels like the biggest hurt of all. For me at any rate.
Oh dear... Maybe I'm just digging myself in deeper...
I'm sorry :-(
Posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 18:04:44
In reply to Re: anyone following along..., posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2006, at 17:17:04
Posted by wildcard11 on January 24, 2006, at 18:37:45
In reply to relax (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 18:04:44
Posted by Susan47 on January 25, 2006, at 0:35:45
In reply to Re: susan » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2006, at 19:37:19
What you wrote about hospital, the pressure being off, having had enough after a week .. you're normal, I'm sure you're absolutely going to be good and better because you're healthy but you have stuff you need to deal with and I wish wish wish you had the vehicle or the avenue by which to do that.
If you could get all the angst out, and the emotions blocked and screaming to get out, you could work your way out of this. Of course you could, and you will. I hope the day is sooner rather than later. You're younger than me. You're smarter. You already know a lot more than I did about this stuff ... and I feel good, I know I'm better, I know I'm okay and I'm going to be that. I just have to stay slightly manic, on the positive side. I just retain that, don't get too manic, just enough that most people can't really notice it, keep it in check and don't get depressed about myself, thinking positively as much as possible, and it works. But I had a lot of emotional garbage I went through. A terrible lot, and I think you will too. I wish there were a magic pill we could all take that would just rid us of this emotional baggage, that we wouldn't have to punch our way out.
Posted by Susan47 on January 25, 2006, at 0:36:30
In reply to all of you, posted by wildcard11 on January 24, 2006, at 11:23:55
(((wildcard11))) Wow, thanks.
This is the end of the thread.
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