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Re: susan » Susan47

Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2006, at 19:37:19

In reply to Re: susan » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2006, at 0:25:47

> I myself am rocking back and forth, back and forth.. like an autistic child

I do that too. But not as much as I used to...

> I've worked out the father thing, I really have. And the mother thing as well...

Okay... I guess I was thinking that the thing with you and your t might be a thing with you and your father (because of stuff you have said about 'all men') but maybe not...

> I wish I were different
> but I'm not.

I feel like that a lot too. I think we can get better in time... I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I don't feel broken and wounded anymore. I don't know. But I guess that there are times when I don't feel that way. So maybe it is about seeing myself that way more often. Feeling that way more often.

I don't know. I feel really very vulnerable at the moment. I guess that is what hospital is about. Opting out of life for a while. Opting out of all the social norms and expectations etc. The thing I like most about hospital is that. The people who don't talk. Who sit down wherever and whenever they feel like. Who ask inappropriate questions. I feel at home there. Like the pressure is off. No pressure. No pressure. Institutionalised apparantly. Maybe... Maybe I am. But one week of that and I've had enough... Unless I'm really bad... And sometimes... All it takes is a couple days. If I had a t... I don't think I'd need that... But maybe I still would. Maybe having a t would bring up more stuff for me and I'd crave it more often. I don't know.

But I'm okay. I feel sad. And wounded. And raw. But I feel a inner calmness and stillness underneath it all and I am okay. I'm going to be okay. But the hurting... I wish the hurting would stop.

(((((((Susan))))))))

I love ya just the way you are.
But I hope that over time... You don't see yourself as broken anymore.
I really really do.
For you.

 

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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051205/msgs/602200.html