![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on December 8, 2008, at 16:53:31
So I started this thread in response to Muffled's thread. She mentioned several things that made me think, along with many others here on Babble lately. So I decided to talk to my therapist, who is an analyst today about it.
Let me digress.
Lately I have been feeling out of sorts. Oh heck, who am I kidding. I often feel out of sorts. But in therapy, I feel good during the session but I can't hang onto that feeling for sometimes even a day. Sometimes by the end of Monday, therapy is at 11:15 on Monday I have lost it. So I do what I do best I dissociate. I make myself numb because that is how I best get through life. It is how I cope, how I face people. I finally got up the courage to tell my t a big thing for me, something that happened and how I felt, but I chose a bad day, a day he had to leave early. I really needed to not do it this day since we would be ending the session early but you know the principle once an object is sent in motion.....and I was sent into motion. I preceded to tell him, I got major upset, crying, the whole shebang and he had to leave. I cried the rest of the day, the next day and the next day. The next session I just clammed up(meaning nothing really important) and babbled. I have been babbling since and feeling like he did not get me. Oh i have been talking about some stuff but not the important stuff.
Until today. The stuff I spoke to him about (the big stuff day and today) partly was DID. It is hard for me to talk about because I get floaty. It is the best word. I start to lose connection to the world, I can't feel my legs or feet. The world seems to be at an end of an tunnel. And then he seems to act like "Oh yeah, you're DID. Ok, let's move on."
No he has not said those words. That is my interpretation. Of course it is slanted.
Today, I opened with what kind of therapy is this. He confirmed my suspicion of psychotherapy. He is an analyst. He is good.
He is the right mix of no-nonsense and some humor. Some personal stuff but not too personal. He rarely makes me uncomfortable these days which is a small feat. I rarely want to run and hide. Another small feat.
But I don't talk about my dissociative events. I hide those from him. Today I told him and why.
And it was an interesting discussion. he said the reason he did not go there yet because he and I did not have a good trust foundation. he said I did not trust him enough for the DID to be brought into the room yet. To talk about my past in depth. To bring all that up needed a great deal of trust. I did not trust him like that yet. He said I know you don't not yet. When the trust is there. Then we can proceed. It is extremely important for you to totally trust me to reveal all that might be revealed. You have never trusted anyone totally. Until you do, you won't reveal all you have hidden all these years. I then expressed my fears in the revelations that might come, not just fears from others but the fears I have from within. We discussed those fears in depth.
But the fact that he knows without me telling him how much I trust or not shows me he does get it. That he is laying a foundation. That our babbling time as I call it is something good.
He told me today, that I don't see the progress I am making but I am making it. He said I hope you will see it one day. Give yourself credit for the work you have done.
We discussed disclosure that was brought up here in another thread. We discussed the hows and whys of how much I disclose sometimes and hide sometimes. He understand all this all too well. A particular situation this past week underscored this disclosure situation particularly well. He helped me see why I reacted the way I did and that it was ok.
That is the thing about him. Usually no matter how I react he helps me understand why I react the way I do, and that for now it is ok. He is slowly helping me reconnect my pathways to make new connections so that sometime in the future I will react a different way.
He has been pushing for me to go to school. I told him today he is pushing hard. Like a parent. He said yes I am pushing hard. Maybe too hard. He said he was sorry but that in a way he was not. Because he said you never had a father or mother that pushed you in a way that was good for you. Now I took that role. And you let me know that it was your decision not mine. And that is progress.
I still have stretches of time I can't account for. Thankfully it is shorter than before. It is though happening at home which it as far as I know never did before. I have been faced with things I have bought or written I can't remember doing. My family is more aware of these weird things but no one in my family knows about this or my dx. I know my DH would freak out. This is from a conversation we had. I related the conversation to my T and he says for now we will leave hubby out of it.
I am having weird conversations in my head and during my dreams. He wants me to write down or record what I can remember. So he can help me with this. They aren't dreams as he said they would stop when I wake up. They dont.
Sometimes when I dissociate I am co-conscious. Most times not. He and I discussed the issues around why the stigma exists. I admitted I think of it as being stigmatized. I had a hard time accepting it. We discussed this a lot too. He is helping me with my own outlook on my dx. And with the episodes when they happen. To try and look at why, what might have triggered it, etc. Sometimes he finds a link, I never do.
He says that all dissociative disorders are coping mechanics that just go awry. That in the beginning they help the child, usually develops in childhood, cope with trauma that is beyond their ability to cope. That it is a good thing. That what might happen to a child that did not develop the dissociative ability is much worse. He says not to think badly of yourself if this is how you coped with circumstances beyond your control.
He was very encouraging and positive. He always is. I am mostly the one that is not. I am trying to learn to think of it as a good thing. But that is one that might take a long time.
He is trying to fulfill the role of a good parent I never had. The question for me is can I let him. I am not sure. He says if enough time goes by, then I will learn that I can trust him and eventually we can get to the stuff that needs to be released and then I begin to view the world as I should have all along.
Sounds complicated and hard. But that is the nature of therapy. HUH.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I may or may not answered the many questions of Dissociative Disorders. I am clearer on it after today. I am trying hard to be more open about it. But with my family not knowing that is hard isn't it.
My son, interestingly enough, was asking about it on the way home from school. I only gave him information from a clinical point of view. That is all I can do for now. He is 16. I am not ready to go further.
He knows when I dissociate. He calls it acting weird. That is enough for now.
Again, thanks for reading.
Posted by lucie lu on December 8, 2008, at 19:09:37
In reply to Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe), posted by rskontos on December 8, 2008, at 16:53:31
Rsk,
That was a treat, for you to give some insight into your therapy and how you are slowly introducing DID into the picture. It must have felt very good, when you brought the subject up, to have him confirm and validate it this time, rather than the previous "oh yeah, you're DID, let's move on" response. Did he really do that before, or is that just how you imagined he might react? I like his deep perception and empathy about the critical importance of gaining your trust and his willingness to wait patiently until you've built up enough to delve into difficult areas. And he is letting you know that every little bit of "babbling" you can muster, even though it may seem inconsequential to you, is still adding stone by stone to the bridge you are building together that will end up connecting you. From the personal qualities you describe, it sounds like you and he are a very good match.
You probably mention it in other posts, but how long have you been seeing this T and how many times a week? I think it was your pdoc who gave you the dx, or am I forgetting?
You said you have trouble holding onto the good feelings from a session for very long afterwards. I'm curious what you think about that. I would have thought that good feelings would be less likely to be dissociated, but maybe it doesn't work that way. Having trouble holding on like that has been a long-standing problem for me too. Except that I am starting to wonder (my case, not yours)if this is something I do to sabotage myself, not to let myself enjoy the pleasure of connection for long. Or maybe that's being overly analytical for me, maybe I just have a bad memory ;)
It is interesting that your son seems more aware of your dissociation that your H. It probably would feel a whole lot better if your family knew, and were accepting and supportive of you. Maybe that's not easy to even imagine. Seems like one of the worst things about DID is the apparent need for shrouding it in secrecy, and how that separates you from others. But I guess it is also self-protective, so you won't be pressed to handle material before you are ready. If there was anywhere in therapy that the "baby steps" injunction applies, I would think it would be here.
Thank you again for posting. I was sorry to see, in muffled's thread, that you originally did not feel too comfortable talking about it, so I'm very glad you found that you could and decided to share.
I wish you all the best, rsk.
Lucie
Posted by Phillipa on December 8, 2008, at 20:56:39
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe) » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on December 8, 2008, at 19:09:37
Rsk I do also and learned so much from muffled's thread. Now I know I also do some of it. How hard it must be to hide from husband. You must be a very strong person. Sounds like your T understands you. I'm thinking your're on your way to feeling much better about diagnosis. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on December 8, 2008, at 23:44:02
In reply to Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe), posted by rskontos on December 8, 2008, at 16:53:31
Wow RSK, GREAT post and very upbeat. Its good to hear your T was able to help you feel better bout stuff.
I used to lose my T right after the session. I gradually was able to hold onto her for longer periods of time, though with much angst.
I often find the first 2-3 days after T session the hardest cuz everything been all stirred up.
Its good he got humour. And amazing that you comfortable w/him. That is HUGE!
I think part of the problem w/diving into dissociation, is that all parts may not be on board about the DX and you don't want a big upset.
SLOW is the order of the day, and I REAL glad your T is being very careful.
It sure does sound like he does get it. Thats great cuz it not so easy to find a good T for DD's.
I dunno bout telling family :-( Guess it might be a releife at some point, but I agree w/T, mebbe not yet.
Thats so hard w/kids :-( I see signs and reactions from mine that make me realize that maybe they have seen more than I realized :-( not that they have a clue what it is...just like your son said...being weird. My D said same thing to me the other night...she said your being weird...your scaring me, kinda half kidding, cuz we were having fun, but only half kidding :-( There's been other things too. I am only slowly realizing them now :-(
Actually there can be many good things bout dissociating. It just needs to be more under , well not so much control, but trust and cooperation btwn parts.
Anyways I have LOTS co-con and it is GREAT. I think you will find you get more of it with time and it is very useful.
I think the number one best thing a babbler once told me, was when she told me that the inner kid I was so struggling and fighting with WAS A KID, and to treat her and relate to her as such. Its was hard to do, as I know I am adult, and others fuss. But our realtionship and trust improved and now I scarecely know she is there. She seemed to mature. We don't fight we have trust and faith in each other. She's a GREAT kid, she is me( though it makes me feel REAL weird to say that...).
So things can improve, it just takes time, and it sounds like you have a good T to start you down this road.
Sometimes it may seem worse B4 it gets better, but then later you realize it was all a part of the learning.
Kids feel REAL intensely and not always logically. Just try and be kind as you can and accept and comfort, and take care of yourself. If there is trouble, phone T. He wants you to heal too.
Oh I want to say so much.
I am exited/scared to know you are going down the road to healing.
(((((((Rsk))))))
Best wishes to you.
I hope you are able to post some as I got lots to learn from you I bet.
Thanks ever so much for sharing. I feel I know you a bit better and thats a wonderful thing :-)
M
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2008, at 8:51:24
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe) » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 8, 2008, at 23:44:02
hi RSK
i haven't posted that much lately.
but i've been following the DD discussion and i'm very thankful that you've shared.
your T sounds Great for 'getting' that you're just not 100% trust yet.but i mostly wanted to tell you that i TOTALLY understand about not telling DH.
i'm in the same boat.
for me it's not so much him knowing, but his reaction to me telling him, but also how it would damage his relationship with my family and it could effect his business??
i just dont want to put him (or myself) through that.
yes ideally i would like to tell him so he understands why i need therapy so badly. and how it's helping me.
but that kind of honesty is just not needed at this point.and my priest once told me that people believe sometimes that you need to share EVERYTHING in a marriage...but he said thats just not true. sometimes things are better left unsaid.
its up to you to decide when, and where, and if.i was so grateful of those words, and i never even revealed everything to that priest...i think from everything else i said and my hospitalizations...i think he just instinctively knew. like, he's heard similar before, kinda made me feel not so alone or outcast about myself.
and i just wanted to pass it along and share that with you.
you are strong and are doing what's BEST for YOU.and kids are just too smart for their own good. They sense things and its much easier to explain to kids i think BECAUSE they are so 'center-oriented' (don't want to say self-centered...sounds mean) but all they care is that mom's ok, and it's not anything THEY did to make you act that way. (if its a negative action)
thank you again for sharing.
and i'm glad you mentioned about the co-consciousness. that's what i am mostly. though i have memory lapses when in session sometimes. depending on what discussion is. sometimes my 'parts' dissociate, or its just hard 'parts work' as my T calls it. Where shes doing thearpy with my part. when it's teen i remember the phsycial energy and outbursts, when i'm littleone i usually remember a picture she puts in my head at the end. and the 'main point' of the discussion.
but i dont remember words or how i acted.thanks again ((((((((RSK))))))))
b2c.
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:10:19
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe) » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on December 8, 2008, at 19:09:37
> Rsk,
>
> That was a treat, for you to give some insight into your therapy and how you are slowly introducing DID into the picture. It must have felt very good, when you brought the subject up, to have him confirm and validate it this time, rather than the previous "oh yeah, you're DID, let's move on" response. Did he really do that before, or is that just how you imagined he might react? I like his deep perception and empathy about the critical importance of gaining your trust and his willingness to wait patiently until you've built up enough to delve into difficult areas. And he is letting you know that every little bit of "babbling" you can muster, even though it may seem inconsequential to you, is still adding stone by stone to the bridge you are building together that will end up connecting you. From the personal qualities you describe, it sounds like you and he are a very good match.No he never said the you are DID let's move on, that was my perception so that is why I gathered up the courage to ask.
I had so much trouble speaking about my dissociative events that I would start, he would have a look on his face I misinterpreted and I would change the subject. We discussed his look, it is of concern, too me it looks like a look I've seen in my flashbacks of an abuser. So that is why I clam up. And why he felt the need to get more trust in the therapy room. I guess I always thought every session needed to be "deep" talk, I never saw all the discussions we have had on subjects ranging from politics, to movies, to my family (current), to things I do now, to how I feel on various things as being building a foundation for the opening up of my discussion of past events that are downright hard to talk about. Things I have never told anyone.
>
> You probably mention it in other posts, but how long have you been seeing this T and how many times a week? I think it was your pdoc who gave you the dx, or am I forgetting?This month is a year. He is my p-doc and therapist. I go now once a week. In the beginning when I was in crisis I saw him three times, two times, as many times as I needed. Then it was twice a week, now once. I am the one that reduced. I have tried to quit three times. He resists that quitting thing for me. And he says as we get deeper into thin gs I will try to quit again. So he is the one that dx'd me. And he is the one doing therapy. He has treated many DD's/DID.
>
> You said you have trouble holding onto the good feelings from a session for very long afterwards. I'm curious what you think about that. I would have thought that good feelings would be less likely to be dissociated, but maybe it doesn't work that way. Having trouble holding on like that has been a long-standing problem for me too. Except that I am starting to wonder (my case, not yours)if this is something I do to sabotage myself, not to let myself enjoy the pleasure of connection for long. Or maybe that's being overly analytical for me, maybe I just have a bad memory ;)
One of the reasons I think I have a hard time is the many others I have that sabotage my good feelings. My fragments don't trust anyone. My constant chat about no don't trust him. He is wrong. He will hurt you like everyone else and so on. And my emotional ineptness. I just can't access my emotions in a calm rational manner most of the time. If something happens I usually can try to either go numb, and try to be clinical about it but if I reach overload then I am off and running and I have to retreat into my head to escape all the bad that happens from those situations. My son can so trigger me and it takes walking away from him so I can stay even and calm. It is a fight everyday. So he triggers the teenager in me big time. That is why I think I can't hold on. I just am unable to effective access my emotions since I don't really hold most of them, they usually remain hidden to me. And when I do access them, they come with baggage. And it ain't pretty baggage. You understand what I mean. The unresolved issues from childhood through my teenage years when I had to protect myself and hide from the world what really went on.>
> It is interesting that your son seems more aware of your dissociation that your H. It probably would feel a whole lot better if your family knew, and were accepting and supportive of you. Maybe that's not easy to even imagine. Seems like one of the worst things about DID is the apparent need for shrouding it in secrecy, and how that separates you from others. But I guess it is also self-protective, so you won't be pressed to handle material before you are ready. If there was anywhere in therapy that the "baby steps" injunction applies, I would think it would be here.Well early on my p-doc/t wanted to include my H and family. We made an appointment. I went into a dissociative state and cancelled the appointment. My H went and my t already had someone there. I was unaware I did this. My t did not pick up on it. I left a message. I think my inners were more aware that my H would not handle it well or else just protecting me. Recently my H and I had a conversation. I related it to my T and he said you are right we need to keep your H out of this for now.
>
> Thank you again for posting. I was sorry to see, in muffled's thread, that you originally did not feel too comfortable talking about it, so I'm very glad you found that you could and decided to share.It was not Muffled it was the subject and something else. But it doesn't matter now. I overcame it. I am glad it is something I need to do so it doesn't have such a hold over me.
>
> I wish you all the best, rsk.Thanks sweetie.
I should post more about how Therapy goes because it really helps me. But I tend to try and work it out alone and that doesn't always work so well when you have too many voices that really aren't so positive. I will try to post more so maybe I can hang on to the positive feelings with Babblers' help.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:14:26
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe), posted by Phillipa on December 8, 2008, at 20:56:39
Thanks Phillipa,
I think posting is very helpful. It might with all your help here on Babble make it possible for me to be more positive and hang onto the good feelings.
I guess I am strong, my t says so, but I just don't think that way. I think I am more of a survivor. If I think about me at all. Which I don't.
My H is a good guy and all he would just rather the work on me to be my T's job. He isn't equipped to help with the mental stuff you know. It is alot of work to hide from him and my family.
My T says all the time how much brain power it takes to keep this hidden. And how much freedom I will have when it is all gone. (Not that I am sure the time for that will come but he has hope Bless his soul)
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:17:03
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb, posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:10:19
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:26:48
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe) » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 8, 2008, at 23:44:02
Thanks Muffled. Yes he did. It was so funny that I went in and said I have nothing to say. And at the end, he said I am glad you had nothing to say. We joked.
The disclosure discussion was a good one too. He is so good at explaining to me why I feel like I do about one moment telling my guts to all and the next minute hiding in a corner.
He is silent enough and asks enough questions.
I have gotten so much better at telling him when I disagree with him and when I think he is wrong. And the best part is I carry that over at home. Before, I just retreated in all situations. Until I got angry. And over-reacted of course. So now I can tell my H or son when to back off before I escalate to a point of when my inner teen gets sets of, or worse when the really angry one comes to the forefront.
He has helped me and I am slowly seeing that. So I guess I am beginning to trust him more.
I don't see telling him stuff necessarily as trust because I have always had a certain level of stuff I would tell anyone. He is still on that level. But recently I have disclosed some stuff to him I haven't told anyone else. Then I wait to see to what he does with it. Not a test but to see if I can trust him.
And a year isn't all that long with a therapist. So all in all, he has been good for me.
And yes you are so right the day of and after are really hard. I have to try certain things to stay present in the world. The weird thing is I am getting more floaty at home. Never happened before. And my flashbacks are coming back slowly. I am trying hard to be ready for them.
I guess whatever I learn won't hurt like it did the first time. I have an inkling of what is coming and I do dread it but I need to finally release it .
Yes kids are more in tuned with us than we realize. My son is more sensitive than his sister. He gets worried about me.I agree about good things about dissociating. I just do it at odd times and it isn't convenient. So if I had more control then maybe.
Yeah my t is big on healing. He has healed many.
thanks muffled.I will post more so I can hopefully hold on to my good feelings between sessions.
thanks so much....back at you (((((((Muffled))))))))))
rsk
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:36:02
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe), posted by B2chica on December 9, 2008, at 8:51:24
Hi B2chica,
I am glad to you, I have missed you, you know.
I think my parts knew better that hubby did not need to know. After a discussion, I think it was just before Thanksgiving, my memory isn't good right now (which my t said is due to the dissociation that is happening so much for a reason), with my husband it was clear to me and to my t when I told him what my H said that he just can't hear it. He said and I paraphrased that he did not want to know about the abuse in more deal because it would slant his view of me. More of less is what he meant not exactly what he said. So t said we will keep him out of it for now.
I knew he would feel this way. I can't examine that right now. TMI for now. At some point I will think about how I feel about that but not now.
And you are right kids are so smart and intuitive. But my son only wants to know I am ok. We discussed it and his bottom line was are you ok. Yes I am . End of discussion. My daughter wants me to be happy. Well that is a stretch but I will get there I hope. Anyway, happiness is a process not a state of being.
Yeah, co-consciousness is interesting. Something I never had until therapy. I don't have it will all just a few. But I can't act during the c0-sharing I just know a bit of what is happening. Just unable to stop whatever is happening. It is more frustrating sometimes when I am acting in a way I would not normally act.
My T and I have talk about it some but not much since it makes me really uncomfortable. That is for a later day.I hope I will get to the point were I can control it more.
I thank you for post. It made my day too.
I hope you are doing better.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2008, at 12:07:23
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » B2chica, posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:36:02
Hi sweets!
i'm glad your T is onboard and understands well about not disclosing all to DH.
and honestly some people just don't deal well "with all the information".
Me, the more i know the better i can cope. but i dont think my Dh is like that either.about your daughter, of course kids want us to be happy, they love us and hate to see us sad. but i dont know how old your DD is, if shes old enough to understand, let her know that its ok for you to feel happy about some things (like her) and sad about others at the same time. and that sometimes the toughest times bring us the Greatest joys in the end. (you remember that too k?)
about CC, what's so weird and unreal at the same time is SO releaving to me.
with littleone i know i talk differently (i've even tried to imitate her to see if i'm faking...ya i know, weird. but i cant do it)
And this T is so great that she discovered what my 'states' were. i was aware but docs kept thinking they were manic behavior or depressive and meds weren't working on them and there weren't patterened like normal BP. And with last T i was SO dissociative that i would 'fog out', heck i saw him for one year 2-3 times a week and i can remember about a months worth of discussions. i remember once i was feeling so weird and he thought i was getting worse depression cuz of session so i waited in a second room next to his, when he came in to check on me i was sitting on the floor against the wall knees curled up. (i recognize now it was probably littleones' first showing to anyone outside that i couldn't control) i remember trying not to talk cuz i "didn't want him to see me". lo talking.BUT i guess my point of this babble is that NOW that i'm with a T who see's them AND accepts and dare say loves them. she works with them, lets them talk. i know littleone pretends to know a lot when she doesn't, but now trusts T so when T uses a word she doens't understand she asks. She doen'st think i'm a freak, or that i'm faking or that i can 'control' this. or 'just stop it'.
and now i'm almost exclusively only switch during sessions.and YES that utter feeling of helplessness at times when you can't control what you're doing or saying, that's NOT YOU.
i know RSK.
i understand. maybe not exactly, but i do understand.
it isn't us, but it is. we have to first accept them before we can let them go.
my T talked about 'integration' once or twice, but my parts felt, well they freaked out a bit. so it's off the table for right now.
She thinks there will be a time when i will no longer need them. but i disagree. i think i've been so used to them being around.i think they protect me. i think i am able to function in this crazy world as well as i do BECAUSE i can dissociate. and although at times its, oh lets say inconvienient to say the least. i think now that i have a release for them, that they can talk about their experiences and can get help that they can survive with me.and YoU TOO will get there.
hang in there, you are doing SO well this year!
it WILL get easier, it will get better. and you'll be stronger for it kiddo.ly
b2c.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 9, 2008, at 16:11:36
In reply to Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe), posted by rskontos on December 8, 2008, at 16:53:31
Rsk,
Thank you for sharing this. I found it fascinating and heart warming.
Since you described the first meeting with your new pdoc/analyst, I thought "this is a keeper" - and in this reflection of your work so far, he certainly sounds like a gifted analyst - and you a dedicated, brave patient. I really hope you are able one day to trust him to that new level required to work through your past, so that you can live in the way you want and do the things that are rightly yours to do.
To me, DID is something fascinating but something that lies under an air of mystery. I can see why it must be a very difficult thing to come to understand and to accept. How to explain to others in a way that they won't perceive you differently? It made me warm to read how insightful your T has become in understanding where you stand and what you are ready for; that he no longer (for the most part) triggers you by saying the wrong thing or being too outlandish. You really deserve the best, sweet Rsk :) (((hugs)))
I like the way you distinguish between those sessions where you 'babble' and those where you dive in and tell something that in a way lets him get that little bit closer to you. I sometimes feel disillusioned with the number of sessions I just babble, but maybe without all the in between babble, those difficult 'deep' sessions wouldn't occur. I think in a way the babble is just as meaningful and purposeful as the other type of session. I'm sorry you've suffered so much with it the last days - it sounds hard.
How did it feel to realise that he got you in the ways you described?
I've recently started studying again. Like yours, my T put a lot of emphasis on the worth of doing this. It was one of the things he was quite (very?) firm on, and I was rather resistant, although it was my plan - the idea scared me, I didn't feel I was ready, but now I am studying again, it's really helping me. Mentally I seem to be healthier. Of course we are in different situations but it could be a very positive thing and worth the risk.
I think you need to try and trust in the process of therapy, to let it happen, and I truly believe in time you will learn to trust your T to be that 'good parent' that you sadly never had - it will happen gradually - you're already on that journey and I guess you see that. It's great that your T recognises your progress and that you do too in the improvements you see in the frequency and length of your dissociative episodes.
It makes me sad that you go through this alone without the support/knowledge of your family. That must place a heavy burden on you. I hope if/when the day comes when you and they are ready to share this, that they can be there for you and help you get through this.
Thanks again for sharing this with us.
Witti
Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 23:40:33
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » rskontos, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 9, 2008, at 16:11:36
> Rsk,
>
> Thank you for sharing this. I found it fascinating and heart warming.Thanks Witti.
>
> Since you described the first meeting with your new pdoc/analyst, I thought "this is a keeper" - and in this reflection of your work so far, he certainly sounds like a gifted analyst - and you a dedicated, brave patient. I really hope you are able one day to trust him to that new level required to work through your past, so that you can live in the way you want and do the things that are rightly yours to do.I hope so too. I am working toward that. I did see a glimmer of what trust could be this time. I went there prepared to quiz him and found a warmth and understanding that I did not expect. He seems to understand how much I can tolerate. It is nice that he gets that. Unexpected though. And still hard to wrap my mind around. But lately he has done that. Throw me curve balls that make it hard to wrap my mind around. No I don't think I am brave or dedicated. I think I hang in there sometimes feeling trapped and then something unexpected happens. And well it is nice and that surprises me. So I come back. But thanks I never really think about what I deserve. Funny isn't how us survivors just think about surviving.
>
> To me, DID is something fascinating but something that lies under an air of mystery. I can see why it must be a very difficult thing to come to understand and to accept. How to explain to others in a way that they won't perceive you differently? It made me warm to read how insightful your T has become in understanding where you stand and what you are ready for; that he no longer (for the most part) triggers you by saying the wrong thing or being too outlandish. You really deserve the best, sweet Rsk :) (((hugs)))I don't see a way to explain it in a way that doesn't make it sounds well just plain strange. It is hard to explain for me. The words don't cover how it feels. The entire strangeness. I think back and just wonder now why I never thought anything was going on but as he said that was part of it. Being unaware of what was going on and not questioning the strangers, the different places I was in and not being able to account for it. I just accepted it and went on. I dont recall even thinking anything was wrong about it. I felt strange but I pushed those bad feelings down/hide them away in the deep recesses of my mind too. Everything, all feelings really just were buried. I just kept trying to function and survive.
>
> I like the way you distinguish between those sessions where you 'babble' and those where you dive in and tell something that in a way lets him get that little bit closer to you. I sometimes feel disillusioned with the number of sessions I just babble, but maybe without all the in between babble, those difficult 'deep' sessions wouldn't occur. I think in a way the babble is just as meaningful and purposeful as the other type of session. I'm sorry you've suffered so much with it the last days - it sounds hard.Yeah, this session I finally got why babbling, I guess it needs a better word but I can't right now come up with one, is necessary. It is like a friendship dance between therapuee and therapist that helps establish a level of comfort moving toward trust and eventually a friendship of sorts. The last few months have been tough. The hiding and using so much energy to act "normal" but I am ok. I just deal. And when I can't my body breaks down and forces me to bed to sleep it off. The amount of energy hiding uses up. But exercise is helping too.
>
> How did it feel to realise that he got you in the ways you described?It is a little frightening but slowly I am trying to think of it as a good thing. I am trying to find comfort in it. I think when I can do that I can trust him. He is trustworthy I know. It is the opening and talking that is the hardest step to take. As I told him, I also have to trust myself to open up to you as well. The trust thing is so complex. Trusting him and myself.
>
> I've recently started studying again. Like yours, my T put a lot of emphasis on the worth of doing this. It was one of the things he was quite (very?) firm on, and I was rather resistant, although it was my plan - the idea scared me, I didn't feel I was ready, but now I am studying again, it's really helping me. Mentally I seem to be healthier. Of course we are in different situations but it could be a very positive thing and worth the risk.I want to study but I have something else I really want to do first. A dream I have had for so long. As a child. I need to try it first.
It would be huge for me to start and work on for now. If I can focus my energies on that dream it would be so great. Something that would help me believe in me again.
>
> I think you need to try and trust in the process of therapy, to let it happen, and I truly believe in time you will learn to trust your T to be that 'good parent' that you sadly never had - it will happen gradually - you're already on that journey and I guess you see that. It's great that your T recognises your progress and that you do too in the improvements you see in the frequency and length of your dissociative episodes.Yeah, the issue of therapy is one I grapple with continually. I have to believe in it and in him. To be a parent and to let him and to trust in that I could use one now.
I have to see progress so that I believe letting go of the dissociation is a safe thing to do. Sometimes I feel really strong and connected to the world but often it is so fleeting. I then think I imagined it.
Like tonight. I took my son downtown Indy to take photo's in the rain. All was going ok between us. And suddenly I "became aware" that I had been out of pocket for a space of time. But my son was not aware of it. I drove just fine, I did not get us lost in spite of not going downtown often. I just floated off for a while and came back I am not sure how long. I am not sure why I did that. I have never had an accident during it though. That is good.
Thanks for your kind words. They mean alot to me.
>
> It makes me sad that you go through this alone without the support/knowledge of your family. That must place a heavy burden on you. I hope if/when the day comes when you and they are ready to share this, that they can be there for you and help you get through this.It is ok. I am used to it. And unless they could handle it well, well then it would only make me worse and I might loss the tenuous link I hold over everything. I know that I could slip in a big way if they could not handle it, especially my H.
So for now the charade goes on. But as long as I have babble I would endure.
Thanks for listening, Witti and all.
Rsk
>
> Thanks again for sharing this with us.
>
> Witti
>
>
Posted by B2chica on December 10, 2008, at 8:04:23
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb, posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 23:40:33
>>It is ok. I am used to it. And unless they could handle it well, well then it would only make me worse and I might loss the tenuous link I hold over everything. I know that I could slip in a big way if they could not handle it, especially my H.
So for now the charade goes on. But as long as I have babble I would endure.Exactly. when feeling strong you can always test the waters again. until then, keep you safe. and able to work on what you need to work on.
i've been listening to this song and it started playing when i started reading your post so here's a song JUST for you from me RSK.
Posted by rskontos on December 10, 2008, at 9:15:56
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » rskontos, posted by B2chica on December 10, 2008, at 8:04:23
B2c,
that song is wonderful, it made me cry yet feel good.
Thank you so much for that.
That was a sweet and touching gift. It means a lot to me.
(((((((((((B2C))))))))
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 10, 2008, at 9:16:50
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb, posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 23:40:33
Posted by B2chica on December 10, 2008, at 9:50:05
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » B2chica, posted by rskontos on December 10, 2008, at 9:15:56
i'm so glad! i hoped it would touch you the way it touched me.
i still cry during the song and i've been listening to it for about three weeks!
but like you said...its a strong feeling inside. not bad, but the only way i can express what it makes me feel is to cry. its just so powerful.i'm SO glad it touched you that way too!
...just remember this song.(((((((((((((((((((((RSK)))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by rskontos on December 10, 2008, at 16:00:16
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » rskontos, posted by B2chica on December 10, 2008, at 9:50:05
Posted by muffled on December 10, 2008, at 17:24:36
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » B2chica, posted by rskontos on December 10, 2008, at 9:15:56
"Sometimes I feel really strong and connected to the world but often it is so fleeting. I then think I imagined it."
:-( Ya, me too. Why it not stay?
Glad to see you posting Rsk.
M
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2008, at 8:05:34
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb, posted by muffled on December 10, 2008, at 17:24:36
i think when i feel most connected to the world is when i'm most depressed. i'm sad for what we do to ourselves. ask why we separate eachother when we are all the same. when i feel most connected...i cry for us.
so its a hard thing for me to do i think.
b2c
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2008, at 9:02:54
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » muffled, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2008, at 8:05:34
when I feel in reality
Its sad,
but things seem 'possible'
where other times I seem to spend lotsa times confused and conflicted and semi paralyzed
Its all I can do to function and do the basics
Least I DO have some times of better functioning anyhow.Manoman, nothing but bad dreams last night.
I tired.M
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:26:53
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb, posted by muffled on December 10, 2008, at 17:24:36
You know muffled, I just don't why it doesn't stay. Just like now, I read that quote and I it seems strange to me. Weird huh.
Oh well. Today I feel weird. Hubby gone for the rest of the week.
And yesterday I felt bad.I guess one day maybe the feeling will stay.
don't know really.
thanks for "glad I am posting.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:33:50
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » muffled, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2008, at 8:05:34
For me, the feelings of strong, when I feel strong and whole are so seldom I notice them. And then I get sad for I realize how seldom I feel that way. And then of course, the world goes tunnel vision. I really hate the tunnel thing most of all. Because usually that is when I leave. I guess it is a threat for me to feel strong. I don't know.
I tried to read a little of the book that was recommened by Daisym for the poster's whose girlfriend as having flashbacks. I got too sad. It is funny how quickly strong feelings go bad and turn to sad.
Like today, I was on another site and quickly I felt alone and invisible. Until I read a post directed to me. I realized how easily we misconstrue things in our minds. If I had not seen that post to me, I would have let the site feeling rejected.For the most part I don't feel depressed just numb. Maybe that is depression I don't know. I asked my p-doc/t if I was depressed and he said no. I don't seem to have highs and lows just dull flat boringness. You know like the flat line on the monitor. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if often means if I get triggered I go up too fast or down too fast. That gets messy.
That is what t is trying to help me with. So far we are only making ok progress I think. Not really sure.
He says I don't see progress but he does. So I will take his word.
But then again he doesn't see me out in public or at home. For when I melt down.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:37:22
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it, posted by muffled on December 11, 2008, at 9:02:54
Yep i understand the feeling of reality, I call it my feeling strong,
and I feel so capable,
but it never last long,
it is like everyone else, some I am not aware of,
feel threatened.
I told my t that and he agreed.
Like things I want to tell him I think about
then when I am there I can't remember
I said I think this is on purpose by the others
he agreed. He said yes it is
they feel threatened.
First time I remember he spoke of them directly like that.
I got so floaty when he did that. I almost left. No I did briefly.
But I came back fairly quickly I think because I don't think I missed too much of the conversation.Today, yesterday I can't do much but sleep and feel tired.
Being like this take so much energy.No wonder my thyroid and adrenal glands pooped out on me.
rsk
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