Posted by rskontos on December 8, 2008, at 16:53:31
So I started this thread in response to Muffled's thread. She mentioned several things that made me think, along with many others here on Babble lately. So I decided to talk to my therapist, who is an analyst today about it.
Let me digress.
Lately I have been feeling out of sorts. Oh heck, who am I kidding. I often feel out of sorts. But in therapy, I feel good during the session but I can't hang onto that feeling for sometimes even a day. Sometimes by the end of Monday, therapy is at 11:15 on Monday I have lost it. So I do what I do best I dissociate. I make myself numb because that is how I best get through life. It is how I cope, how I face people. I finally got up the courage to tell my t a big thing for me, something that happened and how I felt, but I chose a bad day, a day he had to leave early. I really needed to not do it this day since we would be ending the session early but you know the principle once an object is sent in motion.....and I was sent into motion. I preceded to tell him, I got major upset, crying, the whole shebang and he had to leave. I cried the rest of the day, the next day and the next day. The next session I just clammed up(meaning nothing really important) and babbled. I have been babbling since and feeling like he did not get me. Oh i have been talking about some stuff but not the important stuff.
Until today. The stuff I spoke to him about (the big stuff day and today) partly was DID. It is hard for me to talk about because I get floaty. It is the best word. I start to lose connection to the world, I can't feel my legs or feet. The world seems to be at an end of an tunnel. And then he seems to act like "Oh yeah, you're DID. Ok, let's move on."
No he has not said those words. That is my interpretation. Of course it is slanted.
Today, I opened with what kind of therapy is this. He confirmed my suspicion of psychotherapy. He is an analyst. He is good.
He is the right mix of no-nonsense and some humor. Some personal stuff but not too personal. He rarely makes me uncomfortable these days which is a small feat. I rarely want to run and hide. Another small feat.
But I don't talk about my dissociative events. I hide those from him. Today I told him and why.
And it was an interesting discussion. he said the reason he did not go there yet because he and I did not have a good trust foundation. he said I did not trust him enough for the DID to be brought into the room yet. To talk about my past in depth. To bring all that up needed a great deal of trust. I did not trust him like that yet. He said I know you don't not yet. When the trust is there. Then we can proceed. It is extremely important for you to totally trust me to reveal all that might be revealed. You have never trusted anyone totally. Until you do, you won't reveal all you have hidden all these years. I then expressed my fears in the revelations that might come, not just fears from others but the fears I have from within. We discussed those fears in depth.
But the fact that he knows without me telling him how much I trust or not shows me he does get it. That he is laying a foundation. That our babbling time as I call it is something good.
He told me today, that I don't see the progress I am making but I am making it. He said I hope you will see it one day. Give yourself credit for the work you have done.
We discussed disclosure that was brought up here in another thread. We discussed the hows and whys of how much I disclose sometimes and hide sometimes. He understand all this all too well. A particular situation this past week underscored this disclosure situation particularly well. He helped me see why I reacted the way I did and that it was ok.
That is the thing about him. Usually no matter how I react he helps me understand why I react the way I do, and that for now it is ok. He is slowly helping me reconnect my pathways to make new connections so that sometime in the future I will react a different way.
He has been pushing for me to go to school. I told him today he is pushing hard. Like a parent. He said yes I am pushing hard. Maybe too hard. He said he was sorry but that in a way he was not. Because he said you never had a father or mother that pushed you in a way that was good for you. Now I took that role. And you let me know that it was your decision not mine. And that is progress.
I still have stretches of time I can't account for. Thankfully it is shorter than before. It is though happening at home which it as far as I know never did before. I have been faced with things I have bought or written I can't remember doing. My family is more aware of these weird things but no one in my family knows about this or my dx. I know my DH would freak out. This is from a conversation we had. I related the conversation to my T and he says for now we will leave hubby out of it.
I am having weird conversations in my head and during my dreams. He wants me to write down or record what I can remember. So he can help me with this. They aren't dreams as he said they would stop when I wake up. They dont.
Sometimes when I dissociate I am co-conscious. Most times not. He and I discussed the issues around why the stigma exists. I admitted I think of it as being stigmatized. I had a hard time accepting it. We discussed this a lot too. He is helping me with my own outlook on my dx. And with the episodes when they happen. To try and look at why, what might have triggered it, etc. Sometimes he finds a link, I never do.
He says that all dissociative disorders are coping mechanics that just go awry. That in the beginning they help the child, usually develops in childhood, cope with trauma that is beyond their ability to cope. That it is a good thing. That what might happen to a child that did not develop the dissociative ability is much worse. He says not to think badly of yourself if this is how you coped with circumstances beyond your control.
He was very encouraging and positive. He always is. I am mostly the one that is not. I am trying to learn to think of it as a good thing. But that is one that might take a long time.
He is trying to fulfill the role of a good parent I never had. The question for me is can I let him. I am not sure. He says if enough time goes by, then I will learn that I can trust him and eventually we can get to the stuff that needs to be released and then I begin to view the world as I should have all along.
Sounds complicated and hard. But that is the nature of therapy. HUH.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I may or may not answered the many questions of Dissociative Disorders. I am clearer on it after today. I am trying hard to be more open about it. But with my family not knowing that is hard isn't it.
My son, interestingly enough, was asking about it on the way home from school. I only gave him information from a clinical point of view. That is all I can do for now. He is 16. I am not ready to go further.
He knows when I dissociate. He calls it acting weird. That is enough for now.
Again, thanks for reading.
poster:rskontos
thread:867558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867558.html