Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 23:40:33
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-mayb » rskontos, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 9, 2008, at 16:11:36
> Rsk,
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> Thank you for sharing this. I found it fascinating and heart warming.Thanks Witti.
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> Since you described the first meeting with your new pdoc/analyst, I thought "this is a keeper" - and in this reflection of your work so far, he certainly sounds like a gifted analyst - and you a dedicated, brave patient. I really hope you are able one day to trust him to that new level required to work through your past, so that you can live in the way you want and do the things that are rightly yours to do.I hope so too. I am working toward that. I did see a glimmer of what trust could be this time. I went there prepared to quiz him and found a warmth and understanding that I did not expect. He seems to understand how much I can tolerate. It is nice that he gets that. Unexpected though. And still hard to wrap my mind around. But lately he has done that. Throw me curve balls that make it hard to wrap my mind around. No I don't think I am brave or dedicated. I think I hang in there sometimes feeling trapped and then something unexpected happens. And well it is nice and that surprises me. So I come back. But thanks I never really think about what I deserve. Funny isn't how us survivors just think about surviving.
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> To me, DID is something fascinating but something that lies under an air of mystery. I can see why it must be a very difficult thing to come to understand and to accept. How to explain to others in a way that they won't perceive you differently? It made me warm to read how insightful your T has become in understanding where you stand and what you are ready for; that he no longer (for the most part) triggers you by saying the wrong thing or being too outlandish. You really deserve the best, sweet Rsk :) (((hugs)))I don't see a way to explain it in a way that doesn't make it sounds well just plain strange. It is hard to explain for me. The words don't cover how it feels. The entire strangeness. I think back and just wonder now why I never thought anything was going on but as he said that was part of it. Being unaware of what was going on and not questioning the strangers, the different places I was in and not being able to account for it. I just accepted it and went on. I dont recall even thinking anything was wrong about it. I felt strange but I pushed those bad feelings down/hide them away in the deep recesses of my mind too. Everything, all feelings really just were buried. I just kept trying to function and survive.
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> I like the way you distinguish between those sessions where you 'babble' and those where you dive in and tell something that in a way lets him get that little bit closer to you. I sometimes feel disillusioned with the number of sessions I just babble, but maybe without all the in between babble, those difficult 'deep' sessions wouldn't occur. I think in a way the babble is just as meaningful and purposeful as the other type of session. I'm sorry you've suffered so much with it the last days - it sounds hard.Yeah, this session I finally got why babbling, I guess it needs a better word but I can't right now come up with one, is necessary. It is like a friendship dance between therapuee and therapist that helps establish a level of comfort moving toward trust and eventually a friendship of sorts. The last few months have been tough. The hiding and using so much energy to act "normal" but I am ok. I just deal. And when I can't my body breaks down and forces me to bed to sleep it off. The amount of energy hiding uses up. But exercise is helping too.
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> How did it feel to realise that he got you in the ways you described?It is a little frightening but slowly I am trying to think of it as a good thing. I am trying to find comfort in it. I think when I can do that I can trust him. He is trustworthy I know. It is the opening and talking that is the hardest step to take. As I told him, I also have to trust myself to open up to you as well. The trust thing is so complex. Trusting him and myself.
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> I've recently started studying again. Like yours, my T put a lot of emphasis on the worth of doing this. It was one of the things he was quite (very?) firm on, and I was rather resistant, although it was my plan - the idea scared me, I didn't feel I was ready, but now I am studying again, it's really helping me. Mentally I seem to be healthier. Of course we are in different situations but it could be a very positive thing and worth the risk.I want to study but I have something else I really want to do first. A dream I have had for so long. As a child. I need to try it first.
It would be huge for me to start and work on for now. If I can focus my energies on that dream it would be so great. Something that would help me believe in me again.
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> I think you need to try and trust in the process of therapy, to let it happen, and I truly believe in time you will learn to trust your T to be that 'good parent' that you sadly never had - it will happen gradually - you're already on that journey and I guess you see that. It's great that your T recognises your progress and that you do too in the improvements you see in the frequency and length of your dissociative episodes.Yeah, the issue of therapy is one I grapple with continually. I have to believe in it and in him. To be a parent and to let him and to trust in that I could use one now.
I have to see progress so that I believe letting go of the dissociation is a safe thing to do. Sometimes I feel really strong and connected to the world but often it is so fleeting. I then think I imagined it.
Like tonight. I took my son downtown Indy to take photo's in the rain. All was going ok between us. And suddenly I "became aware" that I had been out of pocket for a space of time. But my son was not aware of it. I drove just fine, I did not get us lost in spite of not going downtown often. I just floated off for a while and came back I am not sure how long. I am not sure why I did that. I have never had an accident during it though. That is good.
Thanks for your kind words. They mean alot to me.
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> It makes me sad that you go through this alone without the support/knowledge of your family. That must place a heavy burden on you. I hope if/when the day comes when you and they are ready to share this, that they can be there for you and help you get through this.It is ok. I am used to it. And unless they could handle it well, well then it would only make me worse and I might loss the tenuous link I hold over everything. I know that I could slip in a big way if they could not handle it, especially my H.
So for now the charade goes on. But as long as I have babble I would endure.
Thanks for listening, Witti and all.
Rsk
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> Thanks again for sharing this with us.
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> Witti
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>
poster:rskontos
thread:867558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867801.html