![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on December 6, 2006, at 20:41:42
[not about doctor or my T]
if you already feel humiliated, how can you convince yourself to volunteer for a little more of it by speaking to someone who knows you, who's in your real-life? :( Especially when there's no guarantees of anything helpful coming of it or how someone will react. How do you tell someone something that makes you seem bad, or that is bad? what if they hate you after. how do you know that it won't make it worse - make you feel even worse. Or does it always make it better. How do you make "the telling" not just add on to the original thing?
I know this isn't real-life and only a board, but when people have posted "bad" things here have you kinda been repulsed by them before? Is it different if you don't have to actually look at the person? :""(
I don't know what to do now. I'm so afraid for myself. Just sitting doing nothing for days - re-playing. I can't stop. My brain has always been so used to aloneness and nothing and empty that i don't ever think. and i don't speak. and I don't ever see. (tears again) Until later. Then it never leaves. And I hate myself more. i need help. :'(
blove el
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 9:11:14
In reply to Telling something hard/bad without hurting more?, posted by ElaineM on December 6, 2006, at 20:41:42
Elaine,
you've been a regular here for a while now. Ask yourself- how do YOU feel when one of us reveals something bad that happened to them, or something bad that they did?Don't be so hard on yourself. You are going through a lot right now, and if you're isolated and not getting out much, it's too easy to let your thoughts run away on you.
I know you need help- is there a way to make that happen? Is this what telling the hard thing is all about? Please be honest and open with someone caring. They may not say all the right things, but if you know them and they are good people, they will probably try to say/do the right things.
do take care of you ((((hugs))))
-ll
p.s. whenever you have revealed something personal about yourself, I have never been grossed out/repulsed/disgusted/critical. Actually, I think it makes me feel closer to you, because I know that you are willing to share something that is private and personal-- that you TRUST me enough with your struggles to allow me to get to know you better. Trust is a very good thing. I hope you can find some of it soon. (((((more hugs))))) and soft kleenex for your tears.
p.p.s. I'm gonna go to a cafe in a bit to do some data analysis. you wanna meet me there for a virtual chai latte? my treat :)
Posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 10:55:13
In reply to Re: Telling something hard/bad without hurting mor » ElaineM, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 9:11:14
Thanks LL:
>>>>how do YOU feel when one of us reveals something bad that happened to them, or something bad that they did?
When people say things here, I have kind emotions, but no judgement. But I worry that that's only because I think I'm lower than others. You know. If I had some esteem (like normal people have) would I judge then? Do "normal" people who like themselves, look down at others who do, or say things that they'd never want connected to *their* person/life?
I guess sometimes people do say some specifics. But mostly we just say a sentence, to encapsulate what has happened, or what our diagnosis is, or whatnot. Or even just hint at, and suggest in a subtle way. I'm scared of the raw details. Which I don't think I've seen much posted here. ANd that's probably cause it's too private, I guess. Not always the right place. (I wouldn't ever say it here. I'm not asking for that) But I'd need to IRL. Need to soon. And I don't know how to do that. I don't even want details in my own head, nevermind coming out of my mouth infront of someone who I'm a person to, and not only a patient/client. :-(
>>>>You are going through a lot right now, and if you're isolated and not getting out much, it's too easy to let your thoughts run away on you.
Not at home all the time. But yes, I am going through alot.
>>>>I know you need help- is there a way to make that happen?
I did - partly. I'm really proud that i took care of myself that way. But I mean *personal* help in the long-run. Someone to be with me after. Different from a therapist - even a good one. [His love is not helpful this way.] Saw him Monday cause I didn't know what else to do. Still can't think. But then I cancelled the rest of the week. I don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy to deal with him too.
>>>>> Is this what telling the hard thing is all about?
No. not that. And not about T at all. I'm sorry - this is hard too. I'm relieved you don't think hearing bad stuff is gross or condemnable. Is that just cause you can't see me? does that kinda make me not a real person, so then it's hard to generate a feeling as strong as disgust or hate, for a "ghost"?
I trust you. I trust a good number of people here. I have no trust in the rest of the world :( I just need to figure out what to do now. And how to tolerate.
Thanks for responding. I've never tried a chai latte - that'd be nice.
blove, EL
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 11:25:39
In reply to sharing details IRL » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 10:55:13
> Thanks LL:
>
> >>>>how do YOU feel when one of us reveals something bad that happened to them, or something bad that they did?
>
> When people say things here, I have kind emotions, but no judgement. But I worry that that's only because I think I'm lower than others. You know. If I had some esteem (like normal people have) would I judge then? Do "normal" people who like themselves, look down at others who do, or say things that they'd never want connected to *their* person/life?I have some self-esteem right now, 'cause I'm anti-depressed. I don't judge you. I know that you do not wish these problems on yourself. It's pointless to go into blame/judgement mode. Doesn't matter how you got here. REALLY. Knowing you, I very much doubt that you have evil intentions. I think you are human, and you have had a really tough time, and you reacted and adapted to the situation of your childhood, of your adolescence, and of that icky phase where we are right now... Sometimes I feel like I never really grew up. Sometimes I feel like I've been an adult my whole life. oh well. no matter. I've said it before, and I will say it many more times: Elaine is a very kind, gentle, intelligent person. When you feel anger, hurt, confusion, self-loathing, etc., it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. you are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling. There's no reason why one of us babblers is going to blame you, or look down upon you. That would be unsupportive, and you come here for support. I know I've got MY issues, and yeah, makes me feel disgusted with myself sometimes. I'm my own worst critic (for the most part).
>
> I guess sometimes people do say some specifics. But mostly we just say a sentence, to encapsulate what has happened, or what our diagnosis is, or whatnot. Or even just hint at, and suggest in a subtle way. I'm scared of the raw details. Which I don't think I've seen much posted here. ANd that's probably cause it's too private, I guess. Not always the right place. (I wouldn't ever say it here. I'm not asking for that) But I'd need to IRL. Need to soon. And I don't know how to do that. I don't even want details in my own head, nevermind coming out of my mouth infront of someone who I'm a person to, and not only a patient/client. :-(I feel like I spill a lot of details. That's probably why my posts are SO freaking long sometimes! Maybe it feels that way to me, because I'm talking about MY stuff. I know you're a really accomplished writer. Maybe if you post your writings on the writing board you can get it out there, and people will give it a little space. That board is good for talking about stuff that we just need to get out of us.
> >>>>You are going through a lot right now, and if you're isolated and not getting out much, it's too easy to let your thoughts run away on you.
>
> Not at home all the time. But yes, I am going through alot.okay, that's good that you're not under "house arrest" please continue to take care of yourself. I'm proud of you that you're getting some of the help you need.
> >>>>I know you need help- is there a way to make that happen?
>
> I did - partly. I'm really proud that i took care of myself that way. But I mean *personal* help in the long-run. Someone to be with me after. Different from a therapist - even a good one. [His love is not helpful this way.] Saw him Monday cause I didn't know what else to do. Still can't think. But then I cancelled the rest of the week. I don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy to deal with him too.Yes, I think we all need some IRL support. I guess I think of therapy as one tool in my arsenal, but the really important relationships are in the other 23 hours of the day. This may be a good time to think about how to meet people that are willing to give you time and caring and who aren't so preoccupied that they make you feel even worse.
At various points in my life I have had supportive relationships with a pastor, a monk, and other folks at my place of worship. It might be good for you to join a community like that, or renew your commitment if you've already joined a congregation.
> >>>>> Is this what telling the hard thing is all about?
>
> No. not that. And not about T at all. I'm sorry - this is hard too. I'm relieved you don't think hearing bad stuff is gross or condemnable. Is that just cause you can't see me? does that kinda make me not a real person, so then it's hard to generate a feeling as strong as disgust or hate, for a "ghost"?Here's the thing- I've spent a lot of time at hospitals, and I've worked with children who have really serious birth (defects- I HATE that word).
Sometimes when I'm getting to know these kids and adults, I feel sad that there is this marvelous person that I would never have imagined, had I met them on the street. We all have reactions to seeing a body that is not healthy. But that doesn't change who I think you are. If you look sick or ill to me, I will feel sad because you are hurting. I might sense your shame and wish that I could convince you that I don't CARE how you look! I have gotten to know you so well from your words, that how you look is incredibly irrelevant. I know you find that hard to believe. It's true though! At the babble-party, it was really amazing how I imagined that people would look and how they ended up looking different. But it really didn't matter! You made your first impression many months ago, and it was never based on your physical appearance. You're not a ghost. you're very real. You're Elaine :)> I trust you. I trust a good number of people here. I have no trust in the rest of the world :( I just need to figure out what to do now. And how to tolerate.
>
> Thanks for responding. I've never tried a chai latte - that'd be nice.
> blove, EL
>it is nice. hot steamed milk mixed with spiced black tea. often very sweet, but sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered ;o)
-ll
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 15:08:49
In reply to sharing details IRL » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 10:55:13
> When people say things here, I have kind emotions, but no judgement. But I worry that that's only because I think I'm lower than others. You know. If I had some esteem (like normal people have) would I judge then? Do "normal" people who like themselves, look down at others who do, or say things that they'd never want connected to *their* person/life?**I'm like you El. I have somne self esteem now. But part of me knows that I am the scum of the earth...
People DO judge people. Its a sad fact of life. Not all people are safe. In fact some are positively toxic. But there ARE those that ARE safe, and those are the ones you need in your life.
>
> I guess sometimes people do say some specifics. But mostly we just say a sentence, to encapsulate what has happened, or what our diagnosis is, or whatnot. Or even just hint at, and suggest in a subtle way. I'm scared of the raw details. Which I don't think I've seen much posted here. ANd that's probably cause it's too private, I guess. Not always the right place. (I wouldn't ever say it here. I'm not asking for that) But I'd need to IRL. Need to soon. And I don't know how to do that. I don't even want details in my own head, nevermind coming out of my mouth infront of someone who I'm a person to, and not only a patient/client. :-(**There have been some that have posted raw details. I dunno how they have felt about it in the long run, but i know they sruggled with it at the time. I don't think anyone looked down on them, and I do beleive it helped them be able to tell others in the end. Could you write it down? Most of my stuff i write to my T,then we talk about it, cuz i just freeze up when I try and talk about myself...
> I did - partly. I'm really proud that i took care of myself that way. But I mean *personal* help in the long-run. Someone to be with me after. Different from a therapist - even a good one.
**You have been working hard at taking care of yourself all along El! I'm not sure what it is your looking for, but that may be part of that which you don't wish to say.
My T has said that just saying stuff to a person takes some of the power out of it? Dunno.> I'm relieved you don't think hearing bad stuff is gross or condemnable. Is that just cause you can't see me? does that kinda make me not a real person, so then it's hard to generate a feeling as strong as disgust or hate, for a "ghost"?
**I also don't think of you as a ghost El. You are a person like me, typing away their pain, trying desprately to feel better, feeling for others who post, and wishing we could help somehow....
> I trust you. I trust a good number of people here. I have no trust in the rest of the world :( I just need to figure out what to do now. And how to tolerate.**I can't offer too much in the trust department. I don't trust many either. But there are those you can. I have some I pretty much trust.
I totally understand you not wanting to say much. But at the same time I wonder if it would be useful? AS far as babble support, I guess you could meet w/someone in chat at a specific time, mebbe in room 2, and post in room 1, that you would like privacy....
Or you could b-mail a trusted person...
I think there are many who want to try and make things a little easier for you in some way, no matter how small it seems, as you have had such hard struggles, and I think you are admired for your contiunued work at bettering your situation, no matter how hard. I think we all want to see things get a little better for you. I think we all feel that your kind and desrve a break.
Best to you El,
I hope things go OK for you,
I honestly do.
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 17:06:08
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 15:08:49
>>>>>I do beleive it helped them be able to tell others in the end. Could you write it down?
Maybe one day. It's hard to think of now.
>>>>>Most of my stuff i write to my T,then we talk about it, cuz i just freeze up when I try and talk about myself...
I used to do that. I'm usually pretty good at mentioning stuff to T now. I used to freeze too. I don't think this will be something I can share with him.
I went to T on Monday, but in a robotic way and without my head. I sat shaking and silent almost the whole time. He tried to push for a bit but I couldn't open my mouth. i started crying a little. he got teary and asked if it was anything he'd done. and i lost it. i told him over and over. "this isn't about you. It's not" And then the final time he asked if he should do something different, the tears just burst through and I said. "Stop asking that! I *said* it has nothing to do with you. it doesn't. there's nothing you or anyone can say to fix this." And i cried a bit more into a wad of kleenex. I was so hostile. he kept wiping his eyes. But just stared at me and didn't say anything else. So I kinda just zoned out to a crack in the ceiling tile. I was facing away from the clock and my watch was all the way up my sleeve and by the time he said to go, we had been sitting there for two hours.
Before I left he asked if he could hold me. I said No, that i could give him a small hug instead. And did. But he told me my hair smelled like vanilla, and I just about threw up. Felt so f*ing sick. Walked out :"( He could've done anything but. but it's not his fault he couldn't understand my silence. it's only mine :"( [I've only returned one of his emails since, cause he wanted to know I was around still] But I don't even care about him right now.
>>>>>My T has said that just saying stuff to a person takes some of the power out of it?
I've told one person. The only other who knows some isn't wanting more to do with me right now (involved with it).
I've never cared about telling T's stuff before, but this feels different. Maybe he's just too different now, after everything else. But it's really not him that's the problem. Right now, it's me.>>>>>I guess you could meet w/someone in chat at a specific time, mebbe in room 2, and post in room 1, that you would like privacy....
Or you could b-mail a trusted person...I'll think about that. Maybe. It's hard. I'm having so many urges right now :(
Thank you Muffled. You are always generous with all your replies. I always hope you're well too.
blove, EL
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 17:44:55
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » muffled, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 17:06:08
You've told 1 person. I almost afraid to ask what happened. Peoples reactions can vary SO widely to stuff.
Did it go OK?
You are having urges?
What kind of urges?
PLEASE stay safe El.
If you feel you got nothing to lose I guess you could talk to babblers. There's little we can do other than offer sympathy or our own personal experiences. Some may be able to offer useful advice.
There's always options.
Understand that the urges are from feelings, and feelings are signals, and you need to use your rational mind to keep doing what you have been doing, and sort thru stuff and get help with that where you can.
I'm so sorry you have such a useless T. I am so glad he is getting help. What ever happened about looking for another T or counsellor of some sort for a bit of support?
Its SO hard to see things clearly when your in the midst of a schmozzle. Its nice to have a person completely removed to help sort out truth and lies, possibilities, and things which just won't work.
To some extent we help each other this way on babble, but it does not replace irl friends or T's.
I am rambling alot.
Sorry.
I just kinda worried bout you :(
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 18:20:41
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » muffled, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 17:06:08
It's hard Elaine,
No matter what you feel inside- how dirty and nasty and worthless-- you can't take away your good qualities. Impossible.Please take care of yourself. Talk to a crisis counselor, return your pdoc's emails, and take a risk that you might feel better.
It's scary, but you're not alone.
blove (((((El)))))
Posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 19:45:00
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 18:20:41
sorry Muff. I meant bad coping behaviour urges. more than urges once. I'm fine.
It's ok, I know there's nothing anyone can do.
Person who knows isn't talking to me right now. Angry still.
T isn't good, but this isn't his fault. No one can fix this. Not even a different T.
You're not rambling. I like listening(reading) to you speak.Alright LL, i'll answer his email tonight. Thanks for not leaving me alone.
((((((M & L))))))
Posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 21:02:36
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 19:45:00
> sorry Muff. I meant bad coping behaviour urges. more than urges once. I'm fine.
**Oh, yeah, I OK w/that stuff so longs your careful...
> It's ok, I know there's nothing anyone can do.
**We CAN offer support and mebbe understanding and sympathy....
> Person who knows isn't talking to me right now. Angry still.
**this was the person who knows or the person you told? I wish I knew more so that if you are not seeing whats true and just seeing things thru wrong thinking(which is what my T session was *all* about last week-so I ougtta know!!!!LOL)
But I respect your need for privacy.> T isn't good, but this isn't his fault. No one can fix this. Not even a different T.
**I wasn't so much thinking of *fixing* as just some support, and someone to help you see thru the mess of stuff, mebbe more clearly?.....
> You're not rambling. I like listening(reading) to you speak.
**LOL! Well thats good!!Cuz i a rambling girl this week!
Take care ((El))
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on December 8, 2006, at 5:14:30
In reply to sharing details IRL » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 10:55:13
A few things...
Try sharing here on the Self Esteem board - what kind of problems are you going through? What do you want to happen? What are other people doing to improve their self esteem? It can be a helpful place for reinforcing good habits to practice IRL.
Also, I have disclosed a lot about myself here. Quite a long time ago, and on many boards. If it looks like I don't share very much now, it's only because I don't want to bring everything up again; I don't want to drag others through my muck again, I guess.
And as for sharing with someone other than my T? I have had less than good experiences doing it. A couple of women (one a former co-worker, and the other one an instructor) who didn't seem to know what do to with the information. Seeing that they had no comprehension of what I've gone through or am going through , I don't think that I'd be able to go that route comfortably. It's not that they weren't sympathetic, but I feel that I'd alienated myself in trying to share.
When I have tried talking to my family, there has been varying shades of rejection and denial. So no go there. No surprise, either, because they've been along side me all my life and have had no appreciation for what I've been through.
It makes me feel lonely; it makes me feel that babble really is the right place for me to share my stuff at. At least my friends here can have compassion for me. And they are a captive audience! At least, if they choose to read what I post.Anyway, that's been my experience.
((((Elaine))))
Posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 21:24:58
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by muffled on December 7, 2006, at 21:02:36
> Person who knows isn't talking to me right now. Angry still.
**this was the person who knows or the person you told?The person was/is kinda involved in the whole thing. We had a confrontation of sorts, on the weekend. They haven't answered any of my emails since, and I know they check everyday. They were so angry and frustrated.
I went to T today cause I needed to do something, and I was afraid I'd never go back now. We got into a huge fight. I've never got vocally angry with him before but I couldn't believe him. He was frustrated that I wouldn't tell him what's going on, though he said he knows it's a big deal. I told him I'll talk to him about anything but this one thing which I'm not not not sharing with him. He said my entire person has changed in two meetings, and that in a relationship both people have to take care of the other person. I need to update him on everything. I need to not depend on him to pull more weight than me. He said I've stopped carrying my part of the responsibility for the conversation. Said he wants me to offer him reassurance that I'll be over this "thing" and back to normal soon, that I can appreciate that this is awkward and uncomfortable for him, that it hurts him when I won't share something that's affected me, and that I have caring feelings for him anyways. I can't say that :-(
I f*ing freaked out. I started angry-crying saying, "How dare you ask for me to comfort you! I have no answers, no kiddie gloves and especially no guarantees for MYSELF right now. NO advice for MYSELF nevermind YOU. I don't care how you feel right now." (something like that) And then I just started bawling. He truly truly doesn't get it :"( He even said again it's not fair for me to expect him to guide/control/provide structure for the sessions. I said, "YOU are the therapist - YOU are supposed to be the expert, not me. It's not like i'm your first client!" [god i was such a b*tch. i can't believe it :( ] He asked why my e-replys aren't the same anymore. Said they have been sparce lately, as though I don't care about him writing me. I told him that I know I missed some emails but I had nothing new to say, and have been in h*ll lately and not wanting to do anything. I told him it shouldn't be big deal that i miss some - said that replying has been the last thing on my mind. He said it wasn't that I missed some but more so the blandness of them. I DON'T CARE! :"( Worse things to worry about.
He told me (again) that sometimes alcohol or drugs can help people open up to talk more. Said he wants me to share even more with him, and be closer. he's never said the alcohol stuff so pointed before. i asked, on purpose, "So you think I should come to sessions drunk?" And he said, "Or we could do it here." I just sat there pinching my arm with my nails. he knows everything about my family's history, my brothers addictions, me being anorexic, the way I've related to alcohol in the past, and he still flat-out suggests it. Saying it would be helpful????!!!! :"( if he only knew.
And that was it. My heart left the room. He kept saying that it will help you deal with everything (even my body) if I tell him about this one thing. This one solitary thing that I want seperate from him! He knows every other horrible piece of sh*t about me. He said, "Sorry if I seem to sound voyeuristic. I'm not. I just think it will make all the difference." I don't think that he wants it for me - especially when I've been saying for him to leave it alone and give me a little f*cking time. It's still new. It's all f*cking new and I can't even think yet. I don't want to think or feel yet. Back off. I think he wants it said cause it will "help" him. He wants my secret because it is all I've ever been willing to offer him. He said something similar - said you've never had a problem telling me stuff before, this makes me feel like you've turned your back on me and the world, and it makes me sad and uncomfortable. pushed again to "get rid of all these confines and limitations" and move our sessions out of the office, then he won't have to feel bad when "the sessions fail".
He's making this worse with all his ME talk. With his insensitive comments. So cruel. He doens't even know! :"( Doesn't know, and he wants me to baby him!!! He's no help to me now. He is weaker, and more self-centered than me. I will not worry about him hurting now because I HURT. I don't care about him. :"( This is so f*cked up. The last thing I need right now. Everything has fallen apart. Right before Christmas. newyears :'(
I've never seen how absent he's been until today. He doesn't care about me, he cares about me not leaving him. Today was the worst. I can't believe I got angry :"( I never ever get angry. I hate it! I cancelled next two appointments. I need a break. He's not a help. Not this. not much:( I'm gonna be scared on my own. I'll deal with the loneliness and silence and waiting, and I'll take the remembering and f*cking shaking that I can't stop. My stupid legs won't stop - i'm nervous 24/7. I may as well endure all this alone cause right now, being with him is the same thing.
:""( I can't deal with him on top of everything else now. It's way too much. I can't do it :""(i'm sorry for ranting all over this reply. I'm just at a collapse point. And I needed something or someone. And he can't even be a neutral supporter. i shouldn't even have gone today at all:( But I don't know how to deal with this alone.
((((muff)))) you take care too.
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 21:34:53
In reply to fought today » muffled, posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 21:24:58
yeah, you got angry, and I think you're entitled.
Suggesting intoxication during a session is very very unethical.
He's messing with your mind again, and this time I'm not sure he cares much about what happens to you. He's doing something that he's always going to do with you, and it's HIS problem. Sh*tty therapist. Very very unethical therapist.
I said it before, and I say it again- run, don't walk away from this thing.
It's a good time for distance. cancel your appointments and get a real therapist. Start right after New Years. get a fresh start. You deserve it.
best,
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 21:53:16
In reply to Re: sharing details IRL » ElaineM, posted by ClearSkies on December 8, 2006, at 5:14:30
Thanks CS. I'll have to read the S.E. board more.
>>What are other people doing to improve their self esteem?
Someone recently told me that I have to not give up on hoping, and not think of myself as a different species from everyone else - because of stuff that happens or the past (or my health).
>>>I have disclosed a lot about myself here. Quite a long time ago, and on many boards. If it looks like I don't share very much now, it's only because I don't want to bring everything up again
Yes - I haven't gone through the archives so I guess I don't know how much others have said, or how explicit. I guess I've just never been so effected by sharing details IRL before. As long as I could read it off paper, I've never really thought too much about it. :"( Though maybe sharing about past, and sharing about now-stuff, is always different.
>>>>but I feel that I'd alienated myself in trying to share.
I think a version of thats going on with me right now (not T's reaction, which is a different story).
>>>>>When I have tried talking to my family, there has been varying shades of rejection and denial. So no go there. No surprise, either, because they've been along side me all my life and have had no appreciation for what I've been through.
I'm sorry your family hasn't been able to empathize. Me too:(
>>>>It makes me feel lonely; it makes me feel that babble really is the right place for me to share my stuff at. At least my friends here can have compassion for me.
(((CS))) hugs for you when you're lonely Clearskies. I do think babble feels safer than real-life. I wish I could see all your faces when you talk :(
I've been trying to tell someone a little of what's going on but I type it out and delete it. I think i did it maybe 15 times in 24hours. I can't do it. I try and can't :(
I've been deciding if I should use my last resort. I want to write my old T. THe woman. I need her help. I need her. someone. But I don't want to force her, and don't want her to hate me (or ruin any kind opinion she could maybe have had of me when we parted), and don't want to hear if she doesn't have the time right now. That would be devastating. i'm reaching bottom though. i don't know what else to do. Maybe I just need to seperate from the world for awhile - I don't know. Really don't know.
Thankyou for telling me about sharing your stuff. I never think anyone cares. sorry if I'm a downer. so bad right now.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 22:32:06
In reply to Re: fought today » ElaineM, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 21:34:53
I know. Time for endings and breaks all around. I will try. I'm trying :( He's said a version of that before and I defended it in my head. But sometimes I can hear you all now when weird stuff happens. When he said that, I heard it as YOU GUYS would've heard it (right away, instead of after). I wanted to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding him, so I asked him that question. I felt a little bad asking it (like I was setting him up) but I had to hear him say it plain. If he'd meant something different he would've said so. It's so different now than before :"(
(((((LL))))) sorry if I'm upsetting you. [if you're not upset, then sorry too - some people are mad at me now, I'm mad at myself, and I can't help but think everyone else is too] I know I must seem stupid to have stayed so long [stupid =my word, not yours]. It's always been hard. Too hard with no breathers:( ANd I know I'll seem obnoxiously stubborn and stupid if I ever go back. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay alone. I know I can't, but I'm trying :'( Can't but trying. Can't - trying. :"(
blove el
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 23:27:42
In reply to Re: fought today » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 22:32:06
no Elaine,
I don't think anyone would ever think you're stupid. you are really smart, and you knew that he was not quite kosher way back when you posted your very first post.I think you've come a long way. Now when you hear him say something sketchy you actually understand it automatically. You have lost some of your filters that were distorting the way you react with the world. That's a good thing, because sometimes we have filters that protect us at first, but eventually end up blinding us.
I'm glad that you're able to see him more and more often for who he is, and what he's doing for your mental health and stability.
I'm sorry that you have a conflict with someone right now. It hurts when there is a fight or a misunderstanding with someone we care about. I hope you don't lose sight of the fact that you have more than one friend in the world. There are a lot of people who care about you. If you did something you regret, you have the opportunity to apologize, and hopefully learn how your actions affected your friend. A lot of friendships suffer from this stuff, but when it's resolved, you may find that your relationship is deeper, more substantial.
I know you're hurting and wondering whether all the mistakes you've ever made somehow "negate" the goodness that we see in you. It's not that simple. The Elaine that I know is a person with many dimensions. Maybe some part of you is capable of hurting someone else. I don't think it's a BIG part of who you are, because I've never seen your vengeance on babble. I'm glad to hear that you're getting in touch with your anger, though. Having angry feelings for your T, and being able to express them sounds like a really positive step for you. When will you be able to ask your pdoc for a recommendation for a new T?
(sorry, thought i'd sneak that in... I'm a sneaky lurpsie)
I'm being so hard on you. I'm sorry. I'm just really really grumpy and not so good tonight. I have been a real b*tch on Administration, and I know that my general tone is much more abrupt and curt than usual. It's not you, though. Mostly it's this feeling of too much responsibility and too little support. trying to move mountains, you know?
and I found a mousie in my place yesterday. poor mousie, probably just wanted a cup of hot cocoa, cause it's so cold out :(
(((mousie)))
((((((((Elaine)))))))))
don't delete anymore. I can read it. really. [klonopin, yknow?]
-Ll
Posted by caraher on December 9, 2006, at 0:57:32
In reply to Re: fought today » ElaineM, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 8, 2006, at 21:34:53
(((El))) Don't call yourself a b**ch for your behavior with "T" - he has it coming, and more! Everything you told him is the truth, nothing more and nothing less.
I understand the ways in which he seems like your only "real life" support, and why you might eventually go back to him, but I hope you can find someone genuinely supportive instead. I hope you feel proud of yourself for taking a stand today, and that this feeling is stronger than your worries about what happens next. I'm proud of you, anyway (and sad for you at the same time, that you need to fight this and all your other battles, especially when feeling so isolated)!
Posted by wishingstar on December 9, 2006, at 9:41:10
In reply to fought today » muffled, posted by ElaineM on December 8, 2006, at 21:24:58
There is so, so much I could say on your expeirence with your T recently (and in the past) but I think the most important thing is just that I'm really proud of you. I know you felt weird about having been angry and arguing with him, that it wasnt like you, etc... but good for you for doing it!! Really. You have every right in the world to be angry with him, and everything you wrote about having said seemed completely appropriate and deserved to me. But congratulations for getting to that place where you are starting to see it as wrong and are reacting to his unethical behaviors (suggesting drinking, etc). I'm glad it helps to keep the babblers on your shoulder during this. I've done that more than once myself. Keep us all sitting there if you need to, but keep it up.. like someone else said, youve come along way. :)
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