Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 7, 2006, at 11:25:39
In reply to sharing details IRL » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by ElaineM on December 7, 2006, at 10:55:13
> Thanks LL:
>
> >>>>how do YOU feel when one of us reveals something bad that happened to them, or something bad that they did?
>
> When people say things here, I have kind emotions, but no judgement. But I worry that that's only because I think I'm lower than others. You know. If I had some esteem (like normal people have) would I judge then? Do "normal" people who like themselves, look down at others who do, or say things that they'd never want connected to *their* person/life?I have some self-esteem right now, 'cause I'm anti-depressed. I don't judge you. I know that you do not wish these problems on yourself. It's pointless to go into blame/judgement mode. Doesn't matter how you got here. REALLY. Knowing you, I very much doubt that you have evil intentions. I think you are human, and you have had a really tough time, and you reacted and adapted to the situation of your childhood, of your adolescence, and of that icky phase where we are right now... Sometimes I feel like I never really grew up. Sometimes I feel like I've been an adult my whole life. oh well. no matter. I've said it before, and I will say it many more times: Elaine is a very kind, gentle, intelligent person. When you feel anger, hurt, confusion, self-loathing, etc., it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. you are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling. There's no reason why one of us babblers is going to blame you, or look down upon you. That would be unsupportive, and you come here for support. I know I've got MY issues, and yeah, makes me feel disgusted with myself sometimes. I'm my own worst critic (for the most part).
>
> I guess sometimes people do say some specifics. But mostly we just say a sentence, to encapsulate what has happened, or what our diagnosis is, or whatnot. Or even just hint at, and suggest in a subtle way. I'm scared of the raw details. Which I don't think I've seen much posted here. ANd that's probably cause it's too private, I guess. Not always the right place. (I wouldn't ever say it here. I'm not asking for that) But I'd need to IRL. Need to soon. And I don't know how to do that. I don't even want details in my own head, nevermind coming out of my mouth infront of someone who I'm a person to, and not only a patient/client. :-(I feel like I spill a lot of details. That's probably why my posts are SO freaking long sometimes! Maybe it feels that way to me, because I'm talking about MY stuff. I know you're a really accomplished writer. Maybe if you post your writings on the writing board you can get it out there, and people will give it a little space. That board is good for talking about stuff that we just need to get out of us.
> >>>>You are going through a lot right now, and if you're isolated and not getting out much, it's too easy to let your thoughts run away on you.
>
> Not at home all the time. But yes, I am going through alot.okay, that's good that you're not under "house arrest" please continue to take care of yourself. I'm proud of you that you're getting some of the help you need.
> >>>>I know you need help- is there a way to make that happen?
>
> I did - partly. I'm really proud that i took care of myself that way. But I mean *personal* help in the long-run. Someone to be with me after. Different from a therapist - even a good one. [His love is not helpful this way.] Saw him Monday cause I didn't know what else to do. Still can't think. But then I cancelled the rest of the week. I don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy to deal with him too.Yes, I think we all need some IRL support. I guess I think of therapy as one tool in my arsenal, but the really important relationships are in the other 23 hours of the day. This may be a good time to think about how to meet people that are willing to give you time and caring and who aren't so preoccupied that they make you feel even worse.
At various points in my life I have had supportive relationships with a pastor, a monk, and other folks at my place of worship. It might be good for you to join a community like that, or renew your commitment if you've already joined a congregation.
> >>>>> Is this what telling the hard thing is all about?
>
> No. not that. And not about T at all. I'm sorry - this is hard too. I'm relieved you don't think hearing bad stuff is gross or condemnable. Is that just cause you can't see me? does that kinda make me not a real person, so then it's hard to generate a feeling as strong as disgust or hate, for a "ghost"?Here's the thing- I've spent a lot of time at hospitals, and I've worked with children who have really serious birth (defects- I HATE that word).
Sometimes when I'm getting to know these kids and adults, I feel sad that there is this marvelous person that I would never have imagined, had I met them on the street. We all have reactions to seeing a body that is not healthy. But that doesn't change who I think you are. If you look sick or ill to me, I will feel sad because you are hurting. I might sense your shame and wish that I could convince you that I don't CARE how you look! I have gotten to know you so well from your words, that how you look is incredibly irrelevant. I know you find that hard to believe. It's true though! At the babble-party, it was really amazing how I imagined that people would look and how they ended up looking different. But it really didn't matter! You made your first impression many months ago, and it was never based on your physical appearance. You're not a ghost. you're very real. You're Elaine :)> I trust you. I trust a good number of people here. I have no trust in the rest of the world :( I just need to figure out what to do now. And how to tolerate.
>
> Thanks for responding. I've never tried a chai latte - that'd be nice.
> blove, EL
>it is nice. hot steamed milk mixed with spiced black tea. often very sweet, but sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered ;o)
-ll
poster:LlurpsieBlossom
thread:711037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/711146.html